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Aug 23
2008
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Today's the day
Earlier today my kids went off for the first time to stay at their dad's, and they're gonna be away all week. I thought I would really struggle but managed to get them sorted and off without breaking down. As far as I am aware, and I increasingly think I might be wrong, they think they are spending the week just with their dad and don't know the floosie even exists, let alone that they are (presumably) gonna be forced to spend a whole week with her. Of course it's possible they will come home and say, "dad's girlfriend?, oh we knew about that!!"
Of course they are now getting to realise they often know things I don't, which must be an intolerable stress for them, trying to determine if I know something already or whether they are supposed to tell. It just makes me feel humiliated and undermined, hearing certain things from my kids which I should have heard from my stbx, which is no doubt the whole point. All about power and control, just like when we were together.
Last night neither of the kids would help pack or go to bed. Minds numbed in front of play station. My youngest kept getting tearful and wouldn't sleep on his own and the eldest was stroppy, uncommunicative and irritable (normal teen? probably not ). At one time they were excited to be seeing their dad's place, so perhaps they do know more than I think they do, just recently. If so, they haven't been able to express to me anything of what is worrying them, which I find so concerning. I don't want to push them.
Perhaps that was a major part of what the affair offered, the buzz of a really big secret he could enjoy keeping from me, toying with how "careless" he could be and yet I still didn't guess; how trusting I was, when all the time it was right in front of my nose.... but what a lot of anger I see in doing that to someone you used to love. ( And won't bode well for their future together then!)
Of course, he needs to know where I go and who with, " I want to know who the kids are going to be with, that's all". I'm an open and honest sort of person with nothing to hide (thought he was too for 26 years, how wrong can you be?), but I am getting better at protecting my privacy now. Still it's only ever a one way street, and that's not good for me.
I am not the slightest interested in his new love life, which is something stbx really doesn't get, the only exception being where it impacts on the kids wellbeing. A secret loses its power when the other person is no longer interested. She's welcome to him....I don't really think that much about them together as a couple anymore (he moved out 4 months ago), except her role with my children and how it effects their understanding of what has gone on.
It now hits me really strongly that this is all so I don't have any input in his version of what has happened between us when he tells the children the rest, and I will find it hard to contradict if i don't know what they've been told and they are unsure if they can say anything. Any advice from anyone?
In terms of how I coped today, better than I thought I would. Maybe this helped get me through it; to see just how much they needed me to be strong for them, and how very, very hard is is for them, how they are caught in the middle despite my best efforts.
I've got lists of projects to do in case I need to keep busy. Friends to call, and wiki of course!
I will survive. I will be ok. I will be their rock. You only have one mum.
fm
xx
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Dadsrus
said:
| August 23, 2008 | ||
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((((((FM)))))) Deep breath FM, there is so much that is out of our control and that can be scary at times. Try and put down the worry/anger and do something YOU enjoy. Don't sit at home waiting for kids to come home - you need a night out girl. Go for it. Dadsrus |
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findingmyself
said:
| August 23, 2008 | ||
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thanks dadsrus Sometimes i think I've turned into control freak and I hate myself for it! I never used to be like this, but letting stbx get on with things by himself got me where I am now , plus debts into six figures. You're right of course about the night out! fm |
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Poppie
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Hi finding, I was wondering how things were going for you ((((((((((((((((((((((big hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know how you are feeling all I can say is it will get easier. I found that talking to my son who is 13 was the best way, he knew his dad left to be with gf because I asked ex to tell him himself, I did not want to be the one to explain or for there to be any more secrets. It is painful to see them leave but they need to spend time with dad, dont worry that the gf is there they just want to see dad. If its any consolation when my son came back from hols with the two of them he told me they argued every day and gf was in tears. So not everything is as wonderful as they make out. Reality has to set in some time. As you say the excitement of the affair soon wears off. Be good to yourself while they are away, take a walk or just chill out but do something for you. PM me if you want to chat. Love Poppie x |
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Meishka
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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F, I too am also pondering what will be said by my stbx. This week she has managed to say that she was not having an affair and it was all in my imagination.... So what to do? I can only offer what I have done. I have written down what has happened, the dates she stayed away from work, the secret text messages etc. And I will not tell them that she had an affair. I will only let them see (one day) what happened and let them make up their mind. Maybe they will never ask in which case they will never know... And one more thing.... an important one. He does not need to know where you are and who you are with. He gave up that right when he started an affair. I say again. He gave up that right when he had the affair!!! He does however need to be able to contact you - there is a huge difference. I found it tough when my kids went away for a week. It was made worse by the fact that I speak to them in the morning and evening and suddenly I felt very uncomfortable calling them on her mobile. Kids being kids did not leave theirs on! So I would recommend that you know exactly when to call or when they will call you. It will remove alot of anxiety on your part! Other than that, go out with friends, find yourself. Life is for living........... |
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marriaa
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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you sound as if you are coping fairly well.tell the children the truth as it is,do not embelish it.My x2b was soon found out.He always wanted to justify his actions,but I just told my girls that things like this happens and I hope he finds what he is looking for. never run x2b down with the children. The way your children will be fine is by seeing that you are coping well and not angry . Your children will always be yours even though sometimes might seem to take side but most probably only for some financial rewards. Just maintain your diginity and walk away if it gets too hard ,calm down and then look at it again. take care |
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findingmyself
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| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Thanks everyone for being there and such helpful advice. Once they're back, i 'm sure I'll be better knowing that kids won't find out from third person, which I obviously didn't want but which looked more likely as he delayed telling them himself (that is assuming he has!). Its seems such a small thing today, i can get some perspective again. fm xx |
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