A small glimpse?

Hello!

Just need to record the fact that my husband came to take our son out today &, for once, I didn't cry or get angry or look sad. In fact, I didn't even feel vulnerable. I have surprised myself!

I suppose I was feeling in quite an upbeat mood to start with- I have been struggling with my confidence & self-esteem throughout all of this, but have been making myself ‘get out there', into the big wide world, & this is, at last, beginning to pay off. I am now able to feel a bit better about myself. I think that I am also beginning to really accept that what we had has gone. He is not interested in me & any words I speak have little, if any, impact on him at all. In the early days, just after he left, whenever I saw him I would yearn for him but this has changed. Today I looked at him & felt....well....not very much at all. His cowardice & lies have destroyed the respect I had for him & I actually felt quite indifferent. I question myself as to whether this is just because I am distracting myself to stop my mind from wandering on to imagining what he & his girlfriend are like together, but so what if I am- thoughts like that only torture me anyway, & I have no control over what they do. I am trying to put my energy into myself instead. The only person I can control in all of this is me & I am trying to do all I can to continue this healing process, not just for my sake but also for the sake of my family. Even my son noticed that I was okay when his father left, & said ‘Wow, you are getting better!' & he gave me a big hug. Those words & that hug are worth their weight in gold to me!

Today was great! I even have to admit to feeling mildly superior! I so wish I could feel like this all the time!

I am aware that my moods can be fragile & change with the wind, but I do feel that maybe today I had a small glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel! x

PS Update on previous blog ‘Mountain or molehill' My husband can't come to see our son next Saturday because he wants to spend the day with his girlfriend before she goes away, & he suggested that he came on the Monday or Tuesday afterwards. My son has been very hurt at the thought that he is not his father's priority & he told my husband today that  he doesn't want to see him on either of these days because, to quote,  ‘Mum & I have arranged to spend these days together'. This was my son's choice & I am proud of him for being able to state his wishes. Secretly, I have to admit that I am really looking forward to having 2 weeks space before my husband's next visit!