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Aug 22
2008
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Hello all my wiki friends
what would i do if you lot was not here? what would i do if i could not come here, get some advice, support and guidance.
I need your guidance now, i basically dont know what im doing, sounds stupid at 49 with 2 kids, but i dont! i dont really even know where to start i just feel so alone, so sad and im still crying since i found out about my husband's affair in December what is wrong with me why cant i seem to make decisions for myself? For the first time in my life i really do not know what to do for the best.
Basically what has happened is that as some of you will have read from my last blog for some unknown strange reason - mainly because i think his girlfriend is now pregnant and seems to be enjoying taunting me with the fact, i.e she keeps driving past my house and last Saturday she took great pleasure in waving a p.......sy stick (pregnancy tester) at me from car window. My husband has been staying here since last Saturday (not sleeping together though in separate rooms) but then yesterday my older sister and her husband was bringing my mum over to look at a residential/nursing home in my area and asked if i wanted to go with them as mum had an assessment at the home booked for 6.30 i said ok would meet them there and cook their dinner for afterwards. Mum has been living with me since my dad died in 2006 and because she has COPD and Osteoporosis she could not manage in her own home so my darling husband asked her to move in with us. To cut a long story short (if possible) mum moved in with us, she needed a room downstairs and she paid to have the garage converted into an en-suite bedroom. When all this affair malarky blew up way out of proportion, i guess because i just have not handled things very well at all, mum moved out and in with my older sister- older sister has kidney problems she is now having dialysis and my younger sister is giving her a kidney in October (all tested, booked etc) Naturally for my older sister it is not good for her and her husband to be having my mum to look after as well and hence they have been looking at homes for mum to go to. Yesterday i could'nt go to the home to meet them made up a feeble excuse sent via text when they were already there and said i see them after for dinner, i basically could'nt go because i felt ashamed that i have let my family or mum and dad down as i am unable to look after her and i dont know what im doing myself at the moment but i felt so ashamed, guilty, i was dreading them coming round, i really wanted to run and hide and not see them at all, i feel a bit guilty, ashamed, i dont know really about the fact that he has stayed here most of week (told him not to come round last night) WHY?
This morning i have got up after a really bad nights sleep and im dreading him coming round later - i think i could easily kill him for what he has done not just to me and kids but to my mum. He thinks we can put this right, be a family again, says he loves me etc etc. HOW CAN HE?
My divorce is now on hold but supposing him and i get back together and six months or a year down the line he gets fed up with me (im not exactly the most exciting person to be around since all this happened) and we decide to split where does that then leave me and kids, i would have lost my trump card (i.e adultery). Maybe he is playing a game with me now, as he knows if i divorce him now ie for adultery which he has signed i will get the larger share of house etc, not that it's really any good to me as there is no way that myself and two children are going to be able to stay in a five bedroom house which it is now because of garage conversion and i wont be able to buy anything else i will have to rent!! Why do i want him back? is it because im scared of being on our own, of giving up what i thought was, well, what a happy home, a good marriage i dont know, my life as i know it, you see i just dont know why would you want someone who has done this to you? my life obviously was not as happy as i thought was it?
What the hell should i do? the more i think the more i cry, what is happening to me, why does he even want to come back? ???? Could it be that i really am just a financial thing!!!!
If i were a dog they would put me down im so distressed, unhappy, miserable and confused - CONFUSED I have been like this since xmas, what is wrong with me.
One final point when he is here which has been a bit this week since saturday he seems to be spending a lot of time with my son ie sorting bikes, and boy's things etc he is not really with me then is he - or am i just being paranoid????
IS THIS A GAME to him do you think - if im being an idiot would one of you please tell me
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Petrof
said:
| August 22, 2008 | ||
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HI JJ, I felt like that last Christmas. I just did not know what to do. He split up with his misstress, had nowhere to go and was to much of a coward to find his own place and live on his own. But that was not what he said to me, at that time he said he loves me, he will do anything to sort himself out, counselling, blah, blab, blah, you name it. (Now he just brushes is off by: Oh you know I was not mentally well at that time!) And i found it so difficult to accept that my dream is over = having a complete family, a father for my children who is present in their lives, growing old together. So I allowed him to come back, against advice of my own children and friends. I very soon realised it was a mistake, there was no trust, left, his presence here was very oppressive, when we went out together i kept having flashbacks of what he said or did to me. It was a mistake to take him back but it did help me to realise that there is no future for us. Having said that, although I don't love him, I still spend many months grieving for my marriage and crying my eyes our. I can understand that you feel completely lost now. But you will be able to look in the future where YOU are the important person, who is able to make her own decisions and who is able to be in control of her life. i can understand that this change is just so so hard. You are much stronger than you think you are and one day you will be so proud of yourself. Petrof |
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jude6168
said:
| August 22, 2008 | ||
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Hi JJ There is nothing wrong with you hun youre just in a bad situation and not knowing what to do is the hardest. All the possible outcomes go round in your head and you cant see a clear path. As you know I was in a very similar situation and tried to sort out my marriage for a year only for him to say he wasnt happy and leave again. Please think about why you want him back and if you can trust him. You may be able to rebuild but it will be very hard. Have you both been to relate to talk about what happened? If you dont talk about what has happened you will never mend your relationship. If his mistress is pregnant (which I doubt she is) how will you deal with this? You have got lots of thinking to do and you need to take time before making any big decisions. Only you know the answers and I know how upset and confused you are feeling. You will find your way through this truly awful time and I wish you well. ((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) Keep bloging and we will keep listening Jude x |
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marriaa
said:
| August 22, 2008 | ||
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JJ, first of all you should not feel guilty about your mother.I am sure your family know what you are going through. About your relationship- Do not let gf konws that she is getting to you,she will do it the more. Now ,can you really deal with knowing that he has a child(is she keeping the baby) Even if they are not together she will always be in her life if a baby is here. How old are your children?if one of them is under !8 you will be better off financially off getting divorce now than waiting till they get older. What about the money your mother put in the house. Can you draw a contract saying that when you sell the house you will have to give her back what ever the value the extention has added to your house.That way if you have to buy him out ,you will have less to find and you are protecting your inheritance. Even though you do not get divorce,if I were you I would see to this,you never know what the future hold. Make a list of pros and cons ,this will help you dig into your feelings and decide the way forward. It is important that you look after yourself so that what ever happens you can face it.The children are going through enough ,they need an ill mother on top.You can do it ,just need a big push. take care,please look after yourself,that is a long time.Have medical help if you need it |
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