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Aug 20
2008
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Me again!Posted by Iwillbeok in grief and loss, bad day, accepting its over |
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Hello! Me again!
I have to admit that I'm not having a good day. Since my husband phoned earlier, I have been mostly miserable & tearful. I know that my last blog featured my annoyance at him wanting to change the day when he takes our son out, & this is still bugging me, but, in truth, I know that there is more to it than this for me.
If I'm brutally honest, my tears are also about the fact that he is going away with his girlfriend. Why does this cut me up so much- after all, he moved in with her a couple of weeks ago so shares his life with her now anyway. What is my problem? Why can't I just put them out of my head & get on with enjoying my time off work instead of allowing my mind to drift back to him & her again & again & again? I've been keeping busy (loads of things that I need to catch up on in the house) but they have been loitering in my thoughts. I know I don't love the person he is now, so why should it matter to me? It's probably the same old thing- I find it really hard to truly accept that the man I knew no longer exists for me. I still have a sense of disbelief. Why aren't we going away together for his birthday? How can it be that he feels it is okay to be doing what he's doing? How bizarre the words ‘his girlfriend' appear to me- I still have difficulty in understanding any of this- how can my husband have a girlfriend ????? It still doesn't feel real sometimes. Who is this man now? What happened to the loyal husband & father who I believed he was? I am in love with a memory of the man he was & not the reality of who he is now.
I'm so sorry to ramble on like this but I need to get it out, otherwise I'll do myself a disservice & end up texting him with all of this. Then I will be playing into his (possible) portrayal of me as a neurotic / psychotic / obsessive wife (who knows what he's said about me). I am trying hard to maintain my dignity in all of this but it is so difficult sometimes, particularly because he was the person I would turn to when I was down. I have family & friends who I can turn to but I am beginning to get the feeling that they might be getting a bit fed up (understatement!) with hearing about the way I feel, thinking that it's about time I started to ‘get over it'. My mother thinks it's time for me to move on, to stop the tears etc - if only it was that simple. Believe me, I would if I could!! And I am trying to move on but I know that this grieving process is not something that can be skipped over- it needs to be worked through so that I can come out the other end strong, confident & comfortable with myself.
Thank you for putting up with my outburst. I so appreciate having somewhere to let off steam. I am really beginning to understand the value of this wonderful wiki space. x
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JessieJ
said:
| August 20, 2008 | ||
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Know how you feel .... I describe it as living someone elses life cos it sure aint mine! Im a valued wife and mother with a loving husband and two kids not a single parent.... or I was!!! How its going to be in the future is still open for debate but for now I just think of myself as me, someone who's been dealt a massive blow and is getting on with it as best she can. Dont worry about these people who tell you to get over it .... unless they have been there they have no idea.... you wouldnt tell someone newly bereaved to get over it.?? Whatever our path is destined to be, we will get there ..... there are just some unexpected twists and turns to be encountered along the way.... this is one of them. Take care and comfort in the fact that you are not alone ..... we all share your feelings. Take a day at a time, deal with todays issues and worry about tomorrows when it happens. |
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bats
said:
| August 20, 2008 | ||
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I know exactly how you feel. (My ex has gone to a friend of mine) Someone said to me the other day, if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Thanks a bunch! We know life goes on but they have no idea do they? Thinking of you. |
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Iwillbeok
said:
| August 20, 2008 | ||
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Jessie, you are right, it is about taking a day at a time & not trying to run before I can walk, regardless of what well meaning people might say. Bats, how hard it must be for you to have been betrayed by both your wife & friend! I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. You are so right when you say that others just have no idea how it feels to be in our situation. Thank you both for your understanding & support. It makes such a difference to know that there are people out there, like yourselves, who really understand what this feels like. x |
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cindygirl
said:
| August 20, 2008 | ||
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I know how you feel too, my thoughts are constantly with my stbx and his new younger girlfriend, i drive myself mad wondering what they are doing right now, what they say to each other, i wonder if they kiss and cuddle as he was never the type to in 16 years with me! I cried buckets tonight because he came to see me & was really nice, he kept saying he was sorry for hurting me etc & i kept really cool until the minute he left, then i broke down. He keeps saying she means nothing to him, but then why is he still with her after 18 months and the cause of our divorce? Somehow we need to get through this and move past it. Ive tried going out & had a few dates, i even have a nice man that wants me, but i cant get my stbx out of my mind long enough to understand what i really want. I'm not sure i'd ever take him back so why the confusion, pain & deep sense of loss? Its good to know were not alone here x | |
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findingmyself
said:
| August 20, 2008 | ||
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iwillbeok, You have put into words so much of what I am feeling. I suppose I accept that what I have lost was not the reality of the situation, but a dream of a relationship where we had got through our difficulties and grown together. The person he has become is not really someone I have any respect for given his chosen solutions to life's trials and his disregard for the hurt he caused others by his behaviour, especially his children. I do not wish him back or miss him. I suppose I cannot bear the thought that someone else might be living my dream. Of course the reality in his new life is almost certainly very different..... take care & keep blogging finding xx |
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