How I Got Here

Here  I am a 42 year old man married with 3 kids (12, 10,& 4) and until 3 weeks ago looking to have a future with the only woman I have ever loved.

Now I find myself relegated to the spare room (only as a temporary measure until I have somewhere to go) with a wife who states she does not want to be married to me and wants me out.

How did this happen?

Background 

We had known each other for 3 years before getting together and moving in together, married 2 years later and I was expecting to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary in October.

The last 15 years has not been all rosy there have been good and not so good times But if I am totally honest over the last few years things have been deteriorating and I guess my lethargy in or inability to stem this has led to my current predicament my wife has several times said she was unhappy but that she believed marriage to be a commitment and she would never leave, however I did not believe it to be anywhere near as bad as it now appears to be.

 Characteristics

Fundamentally I am anti confrontational and am always the one to back down or in my wife's eyes I am weak. She on the other hand is strong, determined, knows what she wants and does not stop until she gets it.

I have always held the view that all I want in life is to make my wife and children happy and to finally realise that I have failed miserably in the case of my wife has devastated me and makes me question whether I am doing any better with the kids.

I have shied away from making decisions deferring to my wife desperate to ensure that the decision provides the outcome she wants. Of course I know this is the wrong thing to do but I can't help myself. Even when I do make a decision it invariably is the wrong one and she lets me know it.

She states that I am a "great wife" but that she wants a husband.

Finance

I have an average income while my wife has over the years has flourished and now has a much higher income (approx 3 times) and to her she sees this as me having not bothered to progress and sees me as a leach \ parasite enjoying the benefits of her labours. I should point out that she has always chosen to progress there has never been an occasion where she has had to move to increase our income she enjoys the career challenges.

We started out together with nothing and we have always employed a nanny for our children, this has drained us of most of our free cash so we have not had an extravagant life style,

The nanny would care for the kids during the day until I returned home from work to take over, I have flexible working hours so am able to work around some of the after school activities. My wife has to commute to work and works long hours (not her choice - my fault for not having a better paid job!) indeed having to stay over on a regular basis.

 The Final Straw

My wife was one of a number of employees given an award for her efforts from her company - 5 days for 2 in Barbados all expenses paid 5* hotel the works (her company took over the hotel). Anyway we had a relatively good time until the last night - a grand gala ball - things started all right but somehow and I have no recollection how we ended up sitting outside with her telling me that although she had not done so yet she was willing to respond positively to advances that were made to her from people she met at \ through work. - As you can imagine the * hour flight home surrounded by her work colleagues was not one of my better experiences.

We went to Relate  for an initial interview (where some of the quotes I have made above surfaced) and signed up for counselling however we did not get to the formal counselling before the "I want you out declaration".

 What was to be the future.

Our youngest is starting full time education in September and the nanny will be leaving shortly after. At last some free cash to be able to do things with (or so I thought).

We had it all planned out - I was to take the kids to School, we were going to get my parents to move closer renting them a place to stay, they would pick the kids up from school and I  again would take over after work giving my wife the same flexibility to work as before.

Wife's  Preferred Vision of the future now

She keeps marital home and kids

Child Care:- Actually not much different from above - I move out into what she doesn't really care as long as have my parents stay with me I am able to do return each morning , look after the kids and get them ready for school, my parents provide after school cover and I stay with the kids until she returns home and I then leave.

Finances :- All ties severed - she keeps her income and meets all living costs for the kids and I keep my income.

We will still do things as a family at weekends, go on family holidays spend Christmas together etc.

What Now

I wish I knew all I know is that I have very little time to get my head around all this and work out how to proceed with the change in child care imminent. Can my wife's vision work, can I accept a future where I am living with my parents, can I deny my mother the opportunity to be closer to and play a bigger part in my children's life. I have to find solutions when all I want to do is curl up and cry.

I know my wife believes she is doing what is best for her and the kids but that does not help I am devastated she has ripped my heart out. I feel like I am being punnished for loving to much.