'together'

Hi.

Thought I'd sign in as I wrote my first entry then promptly abandoned my blog to go off for the weekend, camping with my children. I've only mentioned my son up until now but I also have a daughter (in her 20s) from my first marriage (my first husband died). It was really good to get away & spend some quality time with the children- they keep me going - I truly believe that I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for them.

Our weekend was fantastic. A festival with loads of music & even more mud!

My annoyance is....& I hate to admit it.....I found myself catapulted back in time. Even though it has been a while since my husband & I went to a festival together, I found it really hard not to think about the bands we have watched together (one of which played this weekend) & the good times we have experienced together. I think I've just worked out what it is that has been feeding my sadness....it's the word ‘together' that does it for me. I know my lovely children & I were together but it is not the same as being together with the person who you believe you are going to spend the rest of your life with, the person who you believe will love you forever, no matter what. And this weekend I smiled & I danced & I sang a lot of the time, despite the wind & rain, yet I couldn't stop the sadness & emptiness overwhelming me on occasion - I still cried & at times I sobbed (particularly when I watched that band I mentioned earlier)  & I was SO annoyed with myself!

This makes me sound so ungrateful, as though I am writing off the truly wonderful relationship I have with my son & my daughter...please don't think this is the case...I really do count my blessings & I try so hard just to focus on the good things in my life, but the pain of the loss & the grief I am suffering since my husband left is immense. For me, it is far worse than when my first husband died. This is because when he died it was final. When he died, it was not his choice to leave me. He did not reject me. He fought so hard to stay with us. My husband now has rejected me. He chose to leave me. He told me that he did not want our marriage to work. And there can be no closure for me right now. I need to maintain contact for our son and I know I will be required to see him in the future, in the place where I live, as, although he has moved away, he has family who live just around the corner. For me, this is harder than losing my first husband.

And at the festival, I looked around &, although I'm sure it wasn't really the case, everybody I looked at seemed to be together, together with their ‘someone special', sharing those special moments that couples do & my heart just hurt so much & so badly. I thought of my husband with his girlfriend, a girl who is only a few years older than my daughter, & wondered how he could make the choice to leave what we had behind, & why he would choose not to be there with us, the family who, up until he left, loved him wholeheartedly. As you can tell, I still find it really hard to get my head around this.

On the up side, despite extremely windy & wet conditions, we novice ‘tent- putter- uppers' did a fine job, even if we say so ourselves! The tent stayed upright & watertight (although we did have one pretty dodgy moment in the middle of the night when I had go outside & tighten the guy ropes as I feared we might wake up in a different field) & we were relatively comfortable!

I have to admit that I had great difficulty in feeling positive about coming home today (apart from the thought of dry socks!). Part of me wanted to travel on to another place & set up camp there, but it is a real world & I have to face the reality of all that has happened. I also know for sure that there is no escape from the thoughts that run around my head, no matter where I am.