Reconciliation?????

Well after yest morning and was so low, I got up, had bath, did hair and make up, went out to lunch with my daugter, then long walk round Hengistbury Head, then soup kitchen. It did wonders as had no time to think.

But when in the restaurant it was funny. It was mainly couples and family groups. I was watching them. Bar one couple in early 20's not one of the couples was laughing and most weren't even talking to each other. As for the families it was the same, except the parents were talking to the kids, The only peeps laughing were the friends groups. God it reminded me of the past.  

Soup kitchen is always good when on a downer, I love working with the rough sleepers. I was telling some of them about my wet Cornish camping holiday and they laughed at me calling me a big girlie:-) If you saw what some of these people had to live with you would feel better instantly, they have awful histories and problems yet always find time to ask how i am. Hadn't seem them for a few weeks due to hol but some still remembered I was waiting to hear about job and a few other bits, god it really does put you in your place sometimes.

Anway he sent text asking what I was up to, I said busy as at SK, he texted when I got home. He said he is missing me. He said he can't live with me but can't live without me. He said I was scary - note my fault, no mention of refusing to do what relate said or barmaid!!!!! His friends thought i was scary. Well if attractive and intelligent and capable of having conversation that does not involve football or beer is scary then woop de doo, I need a new man!!! He also said i was in your face scary too, not sure what he means but as he was slating me I don't know if i care - rather that than running off with barmaids. His friends thought i was scary too he said, like I care about them, hmmmmmmmm lets see. We have x who shags prostitutes, we have y who is a criminal, we have z who snorts enough coke up his nose to fund an nhs system in Columbia, oh yes one of the girls he thought was ok.......she thought i was stupid wanting to buy a house when you could get one free from the council!!!!! Most throught is was a waste getting an uni education, had no concept of art - I had a photograpgy exhib last yr, and generally thought i was nuts wanting to tour peru which i did last yr when they all went to drunken prostitute using golf holiday to Thailand (half of them admitted trying out the girls out out there!!!).

So not too worried what his friends think.  Anyway off track as he misses me and i am what is missing in his life!! He said what could we do about it? I not rushing into anything. I said spend a bit of time getting to know him again and see, I'm not sure i could go back. How can I have been hurt so much by someone and then go back, plus would have to make personal visit to barmaid in his company and tell her to die and keep away. Need to keep it ultra secret for now as 15yr old had words before bed last night saying we don't need him and she was quite adament we are better family without him.

Also had call from relate this am, the offered me initial appt at 6 tonight. They help people through separation and look at issues with relationships and help peeps get over divorce. It gotta be worth a try.

So rollercoaster is still going, am numb today, no feelings, am bit teary, very tired and well actually can't put into words how i feel today.

Where to go from here???????

xxx