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Aug 17
2008
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Back to feeling rock bottom again. I thought I would be ok but after yesterdays panic I am emotionally back to being a complete mess again. I drank far too much last night as my head is a bad place to be and thought and tried to be good as in NO TEXTING!!!! Yeah right, did the begging ones.
When am i going to realise it is over. He is lying to me when he says things, I know now he wants his both lives, not just me. I gotta get it in my head he has moved on (he didn't deny barmaid was still on scene when he replied this time - more hurt). He has new life, new husband stealing tart, lovely new marina home and doesn't want me except to help him find a new pc, cook him a roast weekly and strangely still for sex (odd one as woulda thought that was a new woman domain!!).
DK wrote on my last blog about living in the past, he was so right, I am but I want to. I want my family back. I wany my husband to be pottering around the garden now and me thinking about what to roast for lunch. I want it back NOW, I don't want this rubbish, I don't want to be on my own and lonely and sad and depressed and miserable. I want my family back. I know i sound like a spoilt child but I don't care. He has thrown away 19yrs and I have no say in it, god if he had of died at least it woulda been something he had no say in either. I would never say this is worse than bereavement but when he chose to walk away and I have to watch him move on I at this very moment would have prefered to be a widow.
Sorry if you get fed up with the rollercoaster, I know I don't help myself and i know i should have no contact but i can't breakaway. My heart is too broken.
xxx
P.S. Did leave answerphone message for Relate on Friday to get appt, going to go on my own.
Comments (10)
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Bloddy
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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Hi Fitbird I sometimes refer to my breakup as a living death so I recognise the emotional place that you were in last night. I know that this is a very difficult time and I don't have many answers but it seems to me that if you are on a rollercoaster then there must be ups , no matter how miniscule, as well as downs? I also know that when you are in a down its impossible to remember those small upbeat moments but I know that they are there. "When you are in hell - keep going" Bloddy xxxx |
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sarah39
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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Fitbird, I have thought everything you have voiced. I'm still in that living hell. I want my life back. I don't want to share the kids between us, I want us to share every moment together. I don't want to wake up on my own, knowing he is waking up with the mistress (aka ugli). It isn't fair. I married for life. I don't want another relationship, I want my husband. BUT - my head tells me my husband doesn't exist anymore. Oh he stills looks and sounds the same, and I still fancy the pants off him, but his personality has changed. he has hurt me more than I thought possible. So he's not worth taking back - Is he?? He's not worth wasting time over - Is he?? Well the answer to those questions changes with the wind. I know that the drink doesn't help. I do some very stupid things when I've drunk too much. I send him texts, that she must have a right laugh about. Stop entertaining them. We're better than that. We've got wiki. We'll get through. sarah xxx |
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dk_60
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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Dear Fitbird From my limited experience, these feels are normal for those being rejected. After 19 years together, having travelled the world and had two children, I can't believe that my wife doesn't want me anymore. She'll snap out of it soon and apologise for all the trouble she's been over the last 9 months. Sadly though if I use my head, rather than my heart, I know she won't and that we are both living in the past and need to move on. As much as we want them to, they arn't coming back. As you know my wife had breast cancer, caught early and treated sucessfully but I also think of what might have been if she hadn't survived. The neighbours wouldn't look at me like I'm contagious and I'd get invited to lots of dinner parties, given sympathy and introductions to single women. A terrible thing to think but normal I suspect. Give yourself time to greive, then actively move on. In the very short time I've known you, I've been enormously impressed - you'll get there. You do have a future, not the one expected but a good one all the same - and so do I. Best Wishes DK xxxx |
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Petrof
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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Hi Fitbird. I have also compared what is happening to me right now with my until now the most horrible life experience - a death in my family - when my mother died from cancer. we were very close and the circumstances of her death were horrible,not just her suffering but also the stress of having to deal with my father (an alcoholic) and my sister, who even though they knew she was dying still did not want to make peace with her. When she died, I could find some comfort in two things - she did not suffer anymore and I knew that it was inevitable, you know that your parents will die one day. Because of that, my current situation feels much worse. (My ex having an affair,moving out, living with her and me filing for divorce.) Although I was not very happy in my marriage, I always hoped that things may improve and it never ever crossed my mind that we would get divorced. I am not a quiter. I also married for life, I always wanted to have a complete family, father for my children who is always there. That dream is gone now. The reason why I feel worse than I did when my mother died is because of the betrayal, the lies and dishonesty, that hit not only me but also our children. The pain of being betrayed by the very person who is supposed to protect you and your children is just unbearable. A friend of mine, who got divorced years ago told me that when she felt really really low at that time, it helped her when she thought - if he had died instead of leaving her, I would have to get up and carry on because I have got children here who I have to take care of. I agree with Sarah. My ex is not the same person anymore. He has also changed and I not only don't love him anymore, I don't like him either. I also broke my rule of no contact a few times in the early weeks( it is so difficult to let go of your dream), but it got gradually better. Later on I just decided to write it down but give it 24 hours before I send it and at the end I did not send anything. No contact helped me to stabilise my emotions a little and I am glad that so far he respected it. It is going to be 2 months next week since i asked him to move out and I think I am ready now to start some negotiations with him. It helped me to look for the positive things even in this horrible situation - the number of days when I was feeling really low, crying uncontrolably, getting gradually smaller and the number of reasonable days getting bigger. The reaction of my children on my "good" days, seeing them how happy it makes them to see me strong again, how proud they are of me. How relieved they are that they do not have to worry about me. The chidlren should not worry about their parents at this age and I know they were under immerxe pressure because of my emotional state. I will just add this quotation that helped me in those very bad first weeks: WHEN A DOOR OF HAPPINESS IS CLOSED, ANOTHER OPENS, BUT US, WE CONTINUE TO LOOK AT THE CLOSED DOOR AND WE DO NOT ATTACH IMPORTANCE TO THAT WHICH WE HAVE JUST OPENED. I hope it helps you too. Bad days always alternate with the good ones. So, good days are coming for you, you will see. Petrof |
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kidsinbulgaria
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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((((fitbird)))) Everyone handles these things in different ways.... your way is not necessarily wrong but you have to learn to be fluid and move with the times.... Maybe a little naive to think that one day he is going to come running back and profess his undying love and everything returns to normal....but....has happened in rare and isolated cases. In the meantime, don't let him use you.... you are worth more than that and you will regret it in the long run. Why on earth should you settle for second best and why should he have his cake and eat it !! Relate by yourself ? What are you hoping to achieve out of this session.... However much it pains you, there will be life after him....but it won't begin to start until you let go... Posted this before but, why do we experience low moments? it is only when you have experienced low moments that you have a yardstick to measure good times when they come along again...which they will. We are all here for you.... Mike x |
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Bloke123
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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Hi Fitbird Won't (can't) write much now but I know the territory you are in Try and work out the facts and then decide which side of the fence you both want to be. Seems sadly, like all of us you are on opposite sides. Once you come to terms with that you will see more clearly - and funnily enough once he sees that you have 'moved on' he'll hurt. Since as you mentioned he wants it all - hell wouldn't we all??? This is the toughest time you have ever been through or will go through and you will be so strong when you turn the corner. It took me 3 years to realise I'd been wasting my life. Whilst I have a few complications myself - mentally I know where I am going. All I need to do is find the road that will take me there - and to do that I need my eyes open. You are allowed to hurt. You are also allowed to be in control. That was taken from you. However you can get that back - and once you do - you've turned the corner. Have no fears about contacting anyone here with any questions if you find stories you recognise. Good luck |
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katyliz
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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Gosh I recognise so much about what I have been going through when I read these blogs. I suppose it means that although we all feel isolated and unique there is so much pain out there that we are all sharing in one way or another. So solidarity and support has to be the way out.............. A big hug from me |
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Mockingbird
said:
| August 17, 2008 | ||
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As everyone else has said, know exactly what you are going through - dont feel bad about being all over the place emotionally - we have all/still are going through this. Just remember you are a better person than him - chin up... LOL Mockingbird |
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britgirl01
said:
| August 18, 2008 | ||
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I understand and feel so much of what you are going through.....please keep ur chin up. hug from me. |
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cindygirl
said:
| August 21, 2008 | ||
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I feel the pain you're going through too. I'm also in daily contact with my stbx that has a younger woman for the last 18 months, but mostly him that texts or rings me to see how i am & if he can pop round to see me? Sometimes i feel so lonely that i think its ok to carry on like this, other times i know he is just screwing with my life & stopping me getting over him & moving on. All i know is that reading the posts in Wikki helps me to see where im going wrong, then one day soon I will put things right & really move on. We will all get there in our own time |
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