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Aug 14
2008
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I have decided to write my emotions down as they are just so stupidly differing sometimes from hour to hour let alone day to day.
Today I woke up at 4am and wanted to smash his face in, I also want to smash the barmaids face in. I have no family thanks to her and he is a cheating liar.
Last night he told me by txt that his uncle had died, someone I have known for 18 years, and actually spoke to more than he did. By TEXT?????? I tried ringing but he wouldn't pick up, texted saying he would call this am. Then my head starts running away. He said he was going to the pub with Clive, surely if he was in the pub with Clive then he would be able to ring me quick and let me known what happened but why do i think he is lying and was with the barmaid? He has said they are just friends now, nothing sexual, well if that was so why couldn't he have called me? I bet he was with her.
If he wants to see how things go, as he wants to still sleep with me, as he texts to say he misses us and wants to come home why would he still be seeing HER? I just have to hang onto the feling tha when i saw his yest I loked at him and thought I am no longer truly in love with him...........so why do I still want him? Is it I don't want him anymore after her but don't want him to be happy as that would not be fair? Is it I do still love him and am just angry? Am i just mourning the loss of a 19yr relationship? Have been thinking about going to relate on my own.
I wish I could understand where this emotion came from though, I have never felt such anger. It comes and goes, some days I feel ok. It feels like someone has implanted a big ball of something in my stomach that just makes me want to wipe the stupid smiles of their soddin faces..........
But being positive looking forward to my new job as probation officer, new start, new job, new people. Need to get out and start making new friends rather than just sit here every evening, need to get back to gym and tennis, wish it wasn't so hard.
But do feel better now have written it down this morning. Got to get head straight as counselling addicts and acoholics this morning, it's stupid I can help others to get their lives back on track but not my own!
Clairexxx
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phoenix1
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Morning Claire First of all ''stupidly differing emotions'' as you call them are in fact normal emotions after being cheated on, You feel you want to kill them, love them,hate them,hug them,stab them,kiss them, etc etc, If I where you, I would put the cheating scumbag out with the trash and start a new life without him as you will be so better off. Your emotions will change for the better in time, but whatever you do, do not sleep with him, as this will just mess you up again. All the best for your new job Take Care Phoenix1 |
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mrsnomore
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Hi Claire Think its totally normal to want him not to be happy, to want him to want to coe back, even if you are realising that you dont actually feel the same way about someone that you loved that could do this to you - there is a gradual shift in your feelings there and thats good for you, but why does it take such a long time?! Relate on your own is well worth trying as its just as much about how YOU feel, if not more than trying to get down to the nitty girtty with him at the moment. It may help you understand how you are feeling and explain these confusing swings we all have. Anger is definately a stage and again, it means that you are moving forward, which is good, strength and survival instincts are kicking in x He may be doing as you summise, and maybe 'keeping a foot in both camps' but what is most important is how YOU feel about him now. Sorry to hear about his Uncle that you got on well with, I hope that you manage to get some information from him. Take care and keep blogging, it does help to vent on here! MrsNM x |
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Marshmellow
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Hi Clair. Glad to see that someone else doesnt understand emotions. I felt the same as you. In fact I still have my moments nearly 3 years on. I think we want something that we cant have. You know he is cheating and it enrages you. But he is no good. He wants the penny and the bun and thats not possible. For your own sake dont have anything to do with him. He will just drag you down. You are worth more than that. C | |
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sarah39
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Hi Claire, I hate these emotions, they are so confusing. I thought I was finally accepting the my husband decision to leave. He told me that if I loved him I would accept his decision to live with his mistress. That I would be happy for him!! Well maybe I'm not wired correctly, but my idea of love doesn't mean sending him off to the arms of another woman with a cheer and "all the best". I wanted my husband with me, to continue the good life we had started 14 years ago. Anyway - a year on and so much stress and hate and love and stupid actions later, I really thought I was making progress. Accepting my new life. leaving the old life behind. Then it becomes clear that there are cracks in his new relationship. "Ok", I think, "it's not my problem. He's not coming back" Then I go through a very traumatic experience and he is there for me. Last night I find myself believing that this means we'll be back together soon. NO! I need to be strong. It's not happening. It's these damn emotions trying to unravel me again. Stay strong Claire. There are so many wise words on this site. I have kept it very close to hand over the last week. It keeps me strong in moments of weakness. Good luck sarah xx |
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jamieh
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Claire, Having read your blog .... I could have almost written the same thing describing how I feel. I'm still in a state of shock about just how very quickly everything went from total happiness to this ... a matter of weeks. My wife is still seeing the guy, yet she vigourously denies it - the evidence is overwhelming she must think I've just come from Mars. My initial emotions were upset and I would have done anything yes anything to win her back .... then it went to hate ... and now to pity .... yet I am up an down ... had an awful night last night which followed a great day on Tuesday. Like you, I can be up and down minute to minute .... I know time will heal things and want time to speed up just for a few months. Finally go to relate on your own .... i've been once and it made me feel so much better ... I plan now to go for a few sessions .... I know I won't be 'cured' of this extreme unhappiness, but I know it will be one of a few things to help Best Wishes |
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mike62
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Claire now fitbird, These damned emotions. Don't you just wish that you could switch them off, like a light switch? But they deveoped over a long time, and suddenly everything has changed. It will take time to adjust. Different people take a different amount of time. For me it was a little over a year before I had accepted that it was really, really over. I still find it difficult being in the same room for any length of time with her. But it is getting easier. Change your name and change your mood again - some suggestions: classychassis, toptotty, hottotty, babelicious....You are doing great, but it isn't easy. Keep smiling and be nice to yourself, Mike |
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Seth
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Hi Claire, I'm new to all this emotional stress, my wife has cheated on me and says that she no longer loves me as her husband but loves me as a friend. She says she has changed and now wants her own life. We have two children and I thought a reasonably happy marriage but through a lack of sex, I suggested relate to help us. I was shocked to find out she no longer loved me, and had to play detective to find out about the cheating although I had my suspicions, this was a double whammy as I thought she had gone off sex. My problem is that although we are going to relate I think she has already made her mind up to go. I am still totally in love with her and want us to move on as a married couple, my emotions are all over the place, angry, tears, hate, love etc etc - I have no control over the situation and only have a small glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. I feel that if I push the situation, she'll leave and if i wait she'll leave. I feel at my wits end...............Does it ever get any easier? | |
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kidsinbulgaria
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Claire, You must have been putting a brave face on in chat last night then... Very sorry to hear about his uncle... he has shown a total disregard of respect in his handling of this sad event.... Good luck with new job will give you something to channel your efforts on... As for emotions generally, I have read initial blogs like this quite frequently and over the coming weeks / months it will be great to see you unfurl your wings and become the beautiful butterfly you once were again. We will notice your emotions turning from anger, shock, disappointment, wariness, pessimism, daunted through to reflection, moving on, optimism, confidence, independence, coping and on towards happiness..... You don't have to make the jourey alone. We are here for you.... Thought for the day - Barmaids smell of stale beer anyways.....he's welcome to her. He must also be a louse so she is welcome to him..... Mike x |
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smurf1973
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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It's a feelings rollercoster at the moment, for you, for me and many of us. I just hope that we can get through it together and smile through the tears. Sending u a BIG HUG x |
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crazylady
said:
| August 14, 2008 | ||
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Claire, You are just feeling the normal emotions. I think the new job will be good for you and try to go to the gym the positive endorphins it releases help with the stress of all this. Time is a great healer. Love CL xx |
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