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Aug 08
2008
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Dear Blog..
I haven't written in some months.. But this morning I woke up feeling right depressed angry at myself. And why you may ask.. because I can't face life. I live my life hiding behind a fake smile & pretend everything is going to be ok, I wake every morning wondering why I can't move my life forwards. Why do I feel asthough the world around me moving forwards & i'm just stuck here in this horrible prison I have made for myself.
One of my elder sons (22) made the general comment this morning of "Mum what are you going to be doing today..?" & I snapped back at him "wtf do you expect me to be doing, I'm going to be staying in doing the same old crap & wishing my life away untill bedtime, when I can go to sleep & not worry about how f'd up my life has become" needless to say he said no more & I could tell my the look on his face he was hurt by my outburst. I feel so ashamed tht my mouth worked without my brain thinking. He then left for work & I sat crying & thinking how can I help myself move forward.. I think I know how to do it, I have to face everything frm my traumatic upbringing to this present day.
I don't want to go to the dr's as how can I explain how I feel in a 5/10 minute appointment slot. I have had counselling previously after the loss of my baby (15 yrs ago) & me self harming after it. But the session got to the stage about my my upbringing & I cancelled any further appointments, as I didn't want to discuss tht. And so much more has happened to me since then. One thing I remember my CPN telling me was it is good to write things down & tht is what i'm going to do. I want / NO I'M GOING to face all my demons locked in mind tht I know could be responsible for me not moving forwards in life. It's going to be really hard & painfull for me to confront, But I want to do this for ME & i'm going to use you mr blog to face such demons
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mike62
said:
| August 08, 2008 | ||
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Sanctuary, Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. What strikes me from your blog is that you have some very deep rooted issues that are stopping you from moving forwards. Your very own Pandora's box. Once you take the lid of, it is all going to fly around and you will never be able to get the lid back on again. Nature has a way of protecting us from our demons by letting us pack them all neatly in a little box, and lock it away, never to be opened. Well never until we are emotionally ready to do that. Some people can go right through their lives and never ever open their boxes. They are very emotionally strong people and not like us mere mortals. When we have too many boxes cluttering up our lives, we need to go clear a few out. Often, those boxes contain things that we are very badly hurt by, ashamed of, frightened of and are certainly not things that we would want to discuss with our family or friends because they would think badly or less of us. Wikivorce is great for this kind of thing. We are all complete strangers with a common bond. We are all hurting badly following the breakdown of our relationship with our life partners. We all get here by very different routes and for very different reasons. No two of us are alike. But we have all had experiences in our lives that have changed us and talking about them with each other, howewer dreadful those experiences were, helps us open some of those boxes and deal with those demons. We are here for you Sanctuary. Let us help you to help yourself move on. Mike |
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spooky
said:
| August 08, 2008 | ||
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Sanctuary I agree with everything Mike has said. It is now your time, please put yourself first. We women spend our lives putting husband's, kids, housework (in fact everything!) before ourselves and bury the emotional stuff as a result. You have suffered more trauma in your life than most and your despair now is a result of many years of having to bury your feelings. You need to find someone you can trust whether it is a friend, family, priest or counsellor so you can make sense of your feelings. You cannot change the past but you can change the way you feel about it. Please try and find some way of dealing with things for you and no one else. Writing a journal will certainly help but I think you need to tap into the Nhs services and the CPN. In my humble opinion you will not be able to move on until you have dealt with the trauma of your childhood but you do need someone who you trust. Take care and good luck Sanctuary, it's your turn now. |
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Gwendolyn
said:
| August 08, 2008 | ||
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Think about going back to the doctors when you are strong enough. There are different type of counsellors. I had a traumatic childhood and needed help to deal with stuff. I didn't get on with my first counsellor - a Gestalt therapist - at all and dropped out. I went back years later and found therapy really helped me. It was difficult at times, but has been worth it. When you are ready you will be able to deal with it. Meanwhile, take care of yourself and blog away. xxx | |
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Julian ex FBGS
said:
| August 08, 2008 | ||
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Mike, leave Sanctuary's box out of this. I'm sure it is just fine. But I do know what you are saying really. Do remember that if you blog it you can edit it and choose Not to Publish. That way you can get things down and read through them yourself. When you are happy you can reveal them to the world or you may choose to keep them just for yourself. Your counsellor said 'good to write things down' and didn't say place a big article in the local paper. So you have the choice on how m,uch to reveal and when. Take care. |
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Sanctuary
said:
| August 08, 2008 | ||
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Firstly I would like to say a massive LOL To Julian ex FBGS & yes I do know tht I can choose not to publish them, Myb when I feel the time is right I will. As if what I have gone through helps just one person then it would be worth me making it public. A massive thku to spooky & Gwendolyn for ur suport & advise  And a HUGE thku to Mike62 for listening to me. Because of you Mike I can breath tht sigh of relief in tht I have told someone. I have taken tht first step because of you Mike & I thku frm the bottom of my heart. ~Massive huggles~ Mike x Once I have sorted certain things out in my life, I have decided I am going to seek counselling to help me deal with these so called demons, untill then i'm going to continue doing my story privately untill I decide if & when I want to make it public But thku to you all x |
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marriaa
said:
| August 08, 2008 | ||
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Hi sanc, Hope you are feeling better.The sad thing is the closest to us get the brunt of our frustration but I am sure your son understand.Well if this has triggered you looking for help this is a very good thing. see you in chat and most probably next week, we are coming to get you!! |
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Petrof
said:
| August 09, 2008 | ||
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Hi sanctuary, I understand how hard it is to deal with your issues. My troubled childhood made my adult life a hell (nightmares, depression etc, anxiouty attacks). At the end I just had to do something and got counselling on NHS. It was very scary at first and so before I went, I actually started telling my dog about what troubled me. Once at counselling, it was quite easy to talk. I did not feel I am bothering her with my problems, because it was her job to listen to me and I liked her as well. It helped a lot and that is why I decided to do a similar thing now, when I am dealing with a divorce after my husband left us for somebody else. I have decided to have hypnotherapy and also joined a support group for separated and divorced in a church. I am not very religous but I do not think that matters. The main thing is that you start being in control of your life and that does wonders for your confidence and self-esteem. So, writing it all down might be a good start, reading what other people have to say on this site is of a great help too and then you might find enough courage to go and see a counsellor. I believe that if you don't face your demons they will stay with you and keep bothering you on and on. It is amazing how helpful just verbalizing and understanding the issues is. Good luck!!!! Petrof |
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