i have no idea where to start.

today i feel quiet positive. i dont want this, but i know i have to deal with it, just like any other problem i have faced, and there have been many. the thing is we always faced the together, now i have only myself to rely on.

this cant be that hard to get through. i want to detatch from my emotions and just deal with the problem.

How to do that when my life is in shred i have no idea.

i want my life back, i want to be in control, not have it controlling me.

i have to face upto what i have to do.

i know i want answers, but know i may never have them so i have to let

I always manage to stay quite positive in the daytime, especially when it's sunny and light.  It's night time when all the negative thoughts come out and burrow their way into my brain.  Lying alone in bed, with nobody to talk to, nobody to share the worry with, everything goes round and round, getting bigger and bigger, scarier and scarier, until I find myself in a place I don't want to be.  That's when I have to decide between another night of insomnia or taking benzodiazepines and feeling like a zombie the following day.

To some extent I've always been like that.  I've never slept well. 

The ice around my heart has, of late, begun to melt. My frozen heartstrings have been tugged, and I have begun to feel again. This is frightening, as I know that any cracks in the ice leave me open and vulnerable. I have no desire to feel the hurt again, to put my emotional well-being into the hands of others, and so I must not allow the ice to melt any further. My frozen heart is my own protection, my body-armour if you will. Only I can guard myself from any further anguish, and for

That reason I must allow the cracks in the ice to mesh together again.

This does not mean to say that