Well I didn;t really know how I would feel about this, as it was the first one without my stbx, but it was surprisingly good - i guess it really showed me how tense xmas had become with him around, he always behaved like it was the worse day of the year rather than the best.

anyway,  jack was out between 9.30 and 2 and Sam joined her day for an hour too, but it was just a very relaxed day, didn't have to worry whether the dinner, or gravy was perfect, or it was late, or whether something went wrong, instead could concentrate on just relaxing, with the kids, playing their games, reading with

Well... its now saturday night and have just got back from G/F parents as me and dau were invited there for lunch etc...

Got to G/F house and I left my car there and went to G/F parents in her car. Got there and lunch was really nice, but dau played up. Crying and being difficult at the table. She wanted her Nintendo DS as G/F had told son he couldn't have his I said no too as G/F doesn't like me allowing my dau to have something she doesn't like her son to have !!! Anyway.... Dau told me she hated me ! She was quite embarassing, and I felt awkward, but G/F mum seemed to be ok with it and

ex told me so many times that i should die before we got divorced

i was okay but suddenly around this christmas, i suddenly started to feel i should

tonite im just so close to commit

i know its bad as ppl feel angry and sad if i did, but just not sure if i could