As if the pain and torture of what he has put me through isn't enough, my dear husband has now registered (some 3 weeks ago) on a dating agency. changed his password so i can't see what hes up to and then lies about it all!

I know i'm leaving in a month to stat a new life and maybe i'm being selfish here but why couldn't he have at least waited til i'd gone. I don't want him conducting his new love life in my home while he is here at the weekends. doesn't seem to be able to be on his own for more than 5 mins.

He says hes not interested in looking for anyone else, but what does it matter that he

I'd like more sleep.  I don't have time for more sleep.  It's past midnight and I'm still up, trying to focus on work.

 Some days are like that.

It's remarkable how unstructured my life is.  Of course, there are things I have to remember (school, office appointments, doctor, etc.) but some of the everyday structures seem to have been removed.  For a lot of the time I can work from home, so home becomes a messy, unsuitable workplace.

I used to have a social life - a long time ago.  It's a shame my really good friends live far away.  It would be good to have an evening out with friends - but

I still dont know yet whether I'm "allowed" to pick up or collect kids from grandparents/childminders.  Maybe thats adding to my mood which is not good.

 Youngest and I have had a good couple of days and he is supposed to be with me until tomorrow evening.  But eldest told him what he was doing tomorrow and now youngest wants to go too.  The plan means they will end up at grandparents.  Youngest really wants to go.  What could I say, I dont want him going without all the fun.

 I think I'm a crap mum.  I dont think they really need me.  I dont think they love me anymore.  How did it change so