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Aug 05
2008
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I broke a trust with my wife....I lied to her. I did not at anytime be unfaithful to her. She was and is my only one love. But about two years ago when this happened, our daughter left for university. We started moving apart. I did not give her the attention she needed. She however reconnected with friends from the past (at least two) on line through facebook.
She developed relationships with them once again. In all this time she thought I guess from my inattention to her,that I was having an affair with someone at my place of work....completetly missplaced...no way. I love her too much.
She took a trip this summer alone...while I was "preparing our house for sale for our retirement B&B" During this break, she hooked up with one of the individuals. But before anything happened she was in a roll over. Fortunately, she and the other person survived. She with some problems but not insurmountable, (will be requiring surgery soon).
Of course the plans of retirement are off at this point...I was in the position to retire at 55 in two years. At this point we are discussing separation, and sale of our home after out only daughter leaves for university in September.
I've had a rollercoaster of emotions in the last few weeks. One day I'm fairly level , others I'm down so low I can't see. I've lost my appetite, and lost 1o lbs in the last 3 weeks. I am also on facebook and I've seen some of the 'suggestive' things that have been sent to the men in question. Jealousy rages with in me.
I know it was my mistake that iniatited it all but I still can't bring myself out of my depression. I've been trying to self medicate with St. John's wort, but frankly it does not seem to help.Wine is a much better pain reliever.
I' m a mess. I am usually the most level headed individual in my circle, but I can hardly hold myself togther right now. I'm on the edge of tears as I write this. I've comptiplated ending it all, but I know that life insurance won't pay for suicide. I desperately want my wife and daughter to not have to want (much) later in life.
I've told my wife that if she wants to go, I won't stop her...although it kills me to say so.(but how can I stop her?) one person cannot keep a relationship together. I've already signed over the ownership of the contents of our home to her, I'm going to the bank tomorrow to take a mortage on our home to clear our debts. (atleast with lower interest rates). I really don't want anything materially right now. I need to be sure to provide for my wife and daughter. I can live in a tent for all that matters.
But it just sucks (pardon my language) how I feel right now. She feels we have reached the point where there's no going back....I get that. At least to where we were. But who says things have to be the same..I don't want to be with any one else, ever. I 'm not even sure I want to survive after the break up if it happens. I' just so unsure of where I stand, what I'm supposed to do, where my boundaries are right now.
Did I say that we are still living in the same home? Albeit more as room mates that spouses. That's another point of contention. She has not been of perfect health in the last few years. So, I thought, that whe she feels off, I give her space which is about 3 weeks of four. I really don't enjoy the space I give her, but if her health is what it is..so be it. I loved for sichness and in health. But I guess that has just magnified the problem. I feel I can't win.
I'm lost, and drowning in my emotions. I don't know if I can hold myself together. I'm barely able to stay sober. I can't find my way from this...........
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livewire
said:
| August 05, 2008 | ||
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Dear downhillfast How very, very bad it must all seem right now. You sound overwhelmed, exhausted and like a person who's not looking after himself at all. The following suggestion may sound crazy, but please think about trying it. I recognise much in what is happening in your life, but I am a little further down the road. First, please accept that you cannot tackle everything at once. We are only human. Get all this human-sized. Eat a meal and read the paper. Then sit down quietly and let your mind relax. Imagine a filing cabinet in your head. Lots of drawers. Neatly file away in separate drawers your marriage and your wife, your fatherhood and your daugher, your house and your money/debts, your career and where you work, your health and physical condition, your friends and extended family, your regrets about the past and fears for the future. Big cabinet. Resolve, right now, to open one drawer at a time and to deal with one thing at a time from that drawer. Just deal with small things, but finish them. Put the done thing back in the drawer and have a rest. You are then ready to open another drawer. Keep this up for as long as necessary. On top of the cabinet there is a big sign: This Too Shall Pass. Sent with warm sympathy and the hope that it is of some help. And you can ignore it, of course! livewire  |
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scaredgirl
said:
| August 05, 2008 | ||
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I was really saddened to read your post, I think we all know how it feels to have moments where you wonder how you can possibly cope. But, as I'm sure you've been told many times already, things will get better. Sometimes you have to repeat this to yourself like a mantra, even if you don't necessarily believe in it. It does sound as though you and your wife have grown apart - easily done when children, work and finances are involved. That doesn't mean it's the end, it just means that you have to work at getting back what you've lost. Spend some time on your own, join a gym, go away for a weekend - anything really that makes you put things into perspective. My son has been hospitalised since birth and it's only when I do something 'normal' like going to Tesco or take my daughter swimming that I remember that there is something else beyond the 4 walls of his room. And by rediscovering yourself, your wife may want to be a part of this. Take care of yourself and keep strong - not just for yourself but also for your daughter who would not want to see her dad like this. Jen |
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phoenix1
said:
| August 05, 2008 | ||
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Sad sorry but a word of warning '' Do not do anything while you are feeling like this'' DO NOT take a loan or sign anything. I speak from experiance and am sure others on here will agree but you do silly things when you head is full of emotions. Give it time and I dont mean a week, at least a month and if possible a couple before you do anything that you may regret down the line. Also drinking is not the answer, yes it dulls the pain for a while but the emotions can go mad !! If your happy, drink makes you happier but if your down, it pulls you down even more !! Now is the time to look after yourself not to drown yourself. You need a clear head to make the right calls on the things you need to do. Take care Phoenix1 |
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marriaa
said:
| August 05, 2008 | ||
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hi,we can sense the feelings of hopeless,it does get better.Things between you and your wife might get better or it might not .By you being ill is not going to help the matter.Drinking is not the solution ,alcholol in the wrong situation is a depressant(been there) so try anything else,exercise is very good.I completly agree with Phoneix,do not do anything specially financially.Get use to and deal with your emotions first.I remember when I was so hurt and very angry that I wanted to sign everything away (to teach him a lesson) but now a few months down the line my attitude has changed. You signing everything to her will not bring her back but might bankrupt you. You are not alone,you will have plenty of support to see you through to the end ,whatever that may be. look after yourself |
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dawn1
said:
| August 05, 2008 | ||
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think of the life you have led, the happy, the sad, the times of despair, the good times far out weigh the bad. yes you have drifted apart, your wife needs you to be strong, to help her after the accident, being there and showing how much you care may make her realise that she was wrong, she thought you didnt care, didnt love her or want her, so she tried to protect herself from the hurt she was feeling by looking for comfort elsewhere, nothing happened, this means there is still hope, she still has feelings for you and couldnt go the whole way because of those fellings. take heart in that, tell her how you feel if that makes her uncomfortable just be there to show her, by offering your support and strength. People sometimes need a shock to realise what they have, with you helping her she might realise that this is the man she fell in love with and the locked up emotions might be released. dont give up until the end, fight for what you want, dont be a drunk that she feels pity for be the strong loving man that she married. it isnt over until you give up. dawn xxxxx |
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Gwendolyn
said:
| August 05, 2008 | ||
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You are in a very sad and difficult place right now. Listen to the advice of the above wise people on wiki. Don't try and do too much and do very simple ordinary things for yourself such as a walk in the park, read a funny book or other simple pleasures. Take care of yourself. | |
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downhillfast
said:
| August 06, 2008 | ||
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Thank you to all of you. Your words have helped. I've taken some of your advice today regarding food and drink. I made myself eat today and stayed away from the alcohol. As Dawn suggested, this is what I've been trying to do, being there for her...and yes I did lose sight of being of sober mind through out this ordeal.. You are absolutely right I must remain sober through this with a clear head. Also thank you to livewire in particular, the compartmentalising things does help..I've always done that in order to balance myself when panic around me arises. I feel much better today. I've never used a blog before, but I find this does help. I have not had an opportunity to say what was on my mind prior to my posting. Thank you to all of you for providing this. |
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