Enough is enough, I know you have to face the battles to win the war but sometimes it really is too much.

After getting over Pippa dying (mostly anyway) I now have another battle to face.

I have had a bad throat infection for over 8 weeks, after seeing the doctors and the pills not doing anything, they have made an emergency appointment for me at the hospital.

They want to give me a few tests to see if it is cancerous, the doctor told me my chances are good 60/40.

I try to think positively as cancer runs in the family and out of all my 7 brothers and sisters I am the only one that has not had it, we usually get it in our 20's.

I am hoping my luck still holds out.

The infection has travelled to my chest so I know if they do tell me the worst that this is it for me.

You wonder what else life can throw at you, during the last year so much has happened and every time you fight one battle a worse one takes its place.

You wonder what you have done to deserve all these terrible things, I know life has its ups and downs but bloody hell it would be nice to get a few more of the ups.

I hate feeling so depressed and exhausted, that isnt the kind of person I am, so why is life trying to make me feel like that all the time.

When I go to bed I am up 14 or more times a night retching and making it difficult to breath.

It is as though something is continously stuck in my throat,  my voice has gone and any sort of talking makes me cough and retch again.

The gasping and desperate effort to take a breath is one of the worst things I have experienced.

It wears you out so much, I dont have any energy to even walk up the stairs some nights, so I just doze on the sofa.

I just want to be able to lie down and sleep.

I was suppose to submit my answers and statement for FDR but I dont have the energy or think that it is important anymore, the battle I face now is more important.

It is so ironic, I had started reducing the amount I smoked from 20-30 a day down to 5 making it easier for me to quit altogether, too little too late is the cry.

I try to pop into chat but some nights I am so tired I find it hard to type, so I usually just answer the posts during the day, as it doesnt matter how long it takes.

I miss the chat and having a laugh but most of the time I can only manage about half an hour before I am worn out.

As  I sit and write this one I have to keep correcting it as I couldn't manage the 1/2 hour sleep i try to get this afternoon.

Still on the bright side, I am insured for a million and the all the houses will go to Rachel my daughter, so she can get that nice Audi A6 she's been after and as I thought I would keep everything crossed, my pubic hair looks great plaited, I am now wondering whether to grow my arm pit hair and do the same as I am sure it would look just as nice.

Comments on whether it is possible to do the same to nose and bum hair would be appreciated, some one will have to tell me if there is bum hair to be able to do this as I cant see, I cant do ear hair either as i dont have any, shame really but you have to work with what youv'e got dont you.

Writing a blog even though it takes me so long cheers me up as I imagine the sad faces and want to make them smile, makin gme smile at the same time.

so thank you for reading this and for your hair comments they will be read with interest.

my typing is getting worse now so i will  leave it here for now, I will post any results I get when i get them.

take care of yourselves, hug and kiss the ones you love and know that in the sceme of life this divorce that is seemingly taking over your life is nothing but a little battle that you win in the end as you do come through it, slightly poorer, financially and emotionally for some,maybe a bit bitter and angry but still able to experience the joys of another day and all it has to offer.

Love and kisses

dawn

xxxxx