Jul 09

2007

Feeling low & frightened

Posted by Tinny in Untagged

Feeling lost but probably shouldnt be.

Today had order agreed that youngest would spend 2 nights per week with me plus one evening for both kids. Solicitors agreed the whole thing very quickly. I'm a bit confused as she said this is the final order but if things dont work out I can go back again if i want.

Ex phoned tonight to say that his parents and childminder have refused to let me collect the boys from their houses. I work full time but over the past month to make the transition easier for the boys I have stopped work early to collect from school. I cant do this forever. Yes I could organise alternative childcare but this is more disruption for the kids and I think they would kick back. The eldest has had this routine now for 13 years!

He has asked that i give him time to persuade them. I know they hate me but i cant help thinking that for adults they are acting very childishly. If it is not resolved my only alternative would be to either work part time thus reducing the amount of money I can pay to Ex, or arrange alternative minders thus taking the kids away from their grandparents/childminder. Logically it doesnt make sense.

I felt so positive earlier and now I feel as if the obstacles will never stop. I feel alienated from my children, old friends, acquaintences, neighbours. There are only a handfull of people in this world who I can completly trust and who I know love me. I didnt think i was such a bad person but then Ex has been clever in his publicity tactics. I'm the only one who truely knows what he was like but most of that I can never tell as he is the kids father and upstanding member of the community.

Life can be crap sometimes. Think I need some good news for a change.

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Shelia said:

July 09, 2007
		I can understand why perhaps HIS parents might not want you pickin up the kids from them, they side with him for obvious reasons, but the childminder? He needs more time to persuade them? Sounds like he's playing games to me. I don't know the age of your kids, but eldest is at least 13, could you not pick them up at the end of the road or something? Could you speak to the childminder yourself? Afterall I personally would not be happy with someone looking after my kids who has such an attitude towards their mother. If something has to give in all this it should be the childminder, not you, she could pack it in next week in any case it's just a job to her. The priority must be you seeing your kids and arrangements need to be sorted to allow that, If that means re-organising childcare so be it. You are and should remain a very important person in your kids life. I am sure you are not a bad person, because a bad person would not be feeling as unhappy as you are over this situation. You say you are the only one who truly knows what he's like. I disagree, I suspect your kids know very much what he's like. Kids get to know their parents very well. Perhaps you need to threaten to work part-time to see kids, let him know you intend seeing them no matter what. He might be forced into being more cooperative then. Presumably their would be less need for a childminder! He can only play games with you if you let him. Hope it all works out

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Dockley said:

July 10, 2007
		Hi Tinny, This is ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS!!! You have finally been able to secure contact with YOUR own children and yet again your ex is putting barriers in the way to stop this. It is your absolute right as their parent to try and have contact with them and he has NO RIGHT to try and purposely come between that. I agree with Sheila that if anyone playing such an active role in the childrens lives can be so detrimental and negative towards the childs mother then they shouldnt even be involved. Children are not weapons, they are children who deserve to have the love of both parents, after all they did whislt you were married so why should it change now? What right does a childminder have to come between you and your child, I would be contacting the local authority to which this childminder is registered and telling them SHE/HE needs to butt out of your arrangements, and just stick to minding the child, that is ALL she/he is paid for after all. Picking them up from the end of the street is acceptable short term but long term they ALL need to grow up and accept that your are the mother, whether they like it is here nor there. There are obviously no horrendous reasons why you shouldn't be allowed contact otherwise you wouldn't have been given it in the first place. You need to grit your teeth and stay strong and insistent in what is your basic right as a mother. Tell your ex to keep his arrangements with parents and childminder as they are. On visitation days, park at the end of the street, ring their phone 3 times as a signal that you are there, they can send the children out to you and you dont have to even see or speak to these childish people. You must keep this together Tinny now you have some regular pattern of contact agreed, it will be difficult and I'm sure there will be more hurdles to come in this, but as long as you and your children are in contact you can reassure them of how you feel about them and want to be with them. This is what they will remember.

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Louise11 said:

July 10, 2007
		Awwww COME ON TINNY!!! Old friends? Acquaintences? Neighbours? Who cares about them? Forget them! Gossipy old plonkers! As for the child minder? Who wants someone like that looking after you kids anyway. I suggest you get your Solicitor to write a quick short sharp letter (will cost you about £25 but i think it may just do the trick!) Something along the lines of.....I understand from my clients husband, Mr blah blah, that you refuse to allow my client, Mrs Blah blah, from picking the children up from your house, this is not acceptable behaviour from someone who is employed by both parties, and has a duty of care towards the children. After all it is the welfare of these children that must come first before anyone! If you do not allow my client to pick the children up from your premises then you leave us no choice but to seek other child care arrangements! My client will be picking the children up on blah blah date, i trust this is to your satisfaction!.................Or words to that effect! Why would you even want someone like this looking after your children? She could be filling the kids heads with allsorts. But a letter like that might just show you that its your husband whose playing the mind games. DONT be bullied by him. You have your reasons for leaving him and no one but you and him know what goes on behind closed doors. I suspect hes bitter because you left him and he will always play up to peoples view oooooooo shes left kids, blah blah. I've heard it all before, but you left him NOT your kids and if it was at all possible, then i suspect your kids would of left with you. The trouble is........i have no doubt hes in the MH and your in some rented place, what do you as a mother do? Leave the kids where you know its best? I.E ....why confuse them anymore than you have too, take them away from all they know? No! as a mother we always do what we think is the best for the kids, however hard that may be for us, but then again most mothers are not selfish people! Stop beating yourself up about what people think of you. You left for a reason and that reason was him. He knows it, but just wants people to think you have deserted kids. Well you havent and your order and feelings show it! Come on girl be BRAVE, no-one on here judges you, dont allow him to dictate to you, tell him if he continues to cause problems with the child care issues, then he leaves you no choice but to work part time therefore reducing your payments to him! I think if you turn the tables on him, then he may just see hes the one being the A***! Kind ones Louise

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Tinny said:

July 10, 2007
		Hi Sheila, Dockley & Louise Your support means so much. It make me feel I'm not going mad after all. I have questionned myself so much over the past year, was it all my fault, have I gone about things the wrong way? As you might guess my confidence is at rock bottom. Grandparents and childminder are very close with the children. Childminder is more like another gran really and the kids are content there, hence my reluctance to change things. Ex would probably go daft anyway if I suggested it and i really cant cope with more agression. He has asked that I give him time to bring them round and I'll do that but not wait forever. They all need to demonstate (even if they dont want to) that I have an equall roll in the kids lives. By dictating where and when I collect demeans and emphasises their belief in my 2nd class importance in the kids lives. I'll keep going, I cant give up even though I think thats what he wants. This site is so good, youre all so kind. Tinny

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sueki said:

July 11, 2007
		Hi Tinny. I am a childminder and thought the following might help. You are quite right it is silly to disrupt the childrens childcare arrangments if they are happy and settled there. It sounds to me like your ex is just trying to cause trouble have their been any problems when u have collected the children. I would write or phone the childminder, asking her why she does not you want you collecting the children. The only reason I would refuse was if there was likely to be a scene which may effect the children I was looking after. She should be registered with OFSTED and has a legal obligation to respond to all comments/complaints. If she does not respond I would contact your local FIND and then OFSTED. I could be wrong but my gut feeling is that she has not said you cannot collect the children. You say they hate me which I assume includes the childminder I do not know why she hates you but her first priority should be the children she cares for not her opinion of you. If u don't want to work part time don't he will only come up with some other excuse to try and sabotage contact (their teachers don't want you collecting from school, etc). Its all about control don't let him rule your life.

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Tinny said:

July 11, 2007
		Hi Sueki Thanks for that. I am going to see what happens over the next few days to see if he can work things out...as he promised. My Mum suggested a letter to the childminder and I think that would be the next step. She is registered and there never was any suggestion that there would be a scene, I dont/didnt have any argument with her and wouldnt put my kids through that. Youre very right about the control. Thanks.

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Shelia said:

July 14, 2007
		Hi Tinny Be sure to let us know how things work out. Hope it works out well for you Best wishes Shelia

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marco said:

August 13, 2007
		Hi Tinny Hope you dont mind me adding to your site but reading your history bought it all home to me. My kids live with my wife and her parents live just around the corner - always a little to convenient, but thats history now. Every other weekend I pick the kids up on a Friday and drop them back on a Sunday but it took 3 solicitiors letters and a threat of a trip to court to convince my wife that the children do not belong to her and her parents. My flat seems empty for 11 days a fortnight and I only really come back to life once my kids are with me. Yes I am a man but Istill cry big tears when I drop them back each time (obviously not in front of them) and that has been the same for the past year. Your children sound a similar age to mine and believe me they love you for the person you are. They are not as naive as you think and will make their own decisions on the actions of their parents. I wish you luck in starting your new life, do what I do and do not dwell too much on the past. You can offer your children a real future and share their dreams now. Marco

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Tinny said:

August 13, 2007
		Thanks Marco. I must update my blog again but things havent really improved that much apart from childminder now "allowing" me to wait outside house for the kids. I'm having a low day today so your message is really appreciated. Hope things are ok with you. Tinny

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