I am taking each day as it comes and today thinking at least I will see the boys tomorrow!!   Been texting them but get upset if they don't reply as I know especially the eldest is constantly texting his mates also don't know what to say....

Feel quite down today and the black cloud down - didn't sleep kept waking and look terrible but come in to work to keep mind off it hopefully.  

Inever would have left my ex even after all the problems as all I ever wanted was to have a family unit and to me marriage was forever.   I couldn't keep my ex happy and now I have lost my boys  to him who ruined everything but blames me.   I do take the blame as yes his depression got to the stage for me where I thought I am sick of this and after prob 15 years it does get difficult and yes maybe if I had done things different I wouldn't be in this situation.

I even now think my new relationship will be cursed because of me.   My ex was the only man I have been with but my new guy has he has had quite a number of 'failed'  relationships long and short and never married  - why is he going to stick with me if none of the others worked??  Says he loves me and could see us getting married (?!) and he really is there for me  but maybe I should just call it off and be on my own so I don't get hurt again.   

Best get some work done....