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Jul 07
2008
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First time blogger so forgive mistakes/lack of bblog etiquette if such a thing!
Why is it that friends don't undersatnd that you're feeling so rubbish u just need to stay in your pyjamas with all the curtains closed? Today it's hit me that I'm 40 in two months exactly and at this moment in time I'll have nothing to celebrate and don't even know whether I'll have somewhere to live.
I spose I hoped that I could keep everything at bay, just for a bit and for once not think about all the financial calculations, how my dreams had died and how the future really looks so bleak.
I thought all i wanted from life and my marriage was simple, to be a great wife and part of a loving family, I had so much love to give and thought I had found the one who wanted to do the same for me. Now I discover , he had been living a lie for our marriage perhaps even before. Some of you have written about mental illness and the problems it can cause in marriage and I totally agree, usually they cannot see beyond themselves but they want u to sort their lives and make them better.However, if u push them they c u as being controlling and can turn your minds whirling into thinking it's 'my fault'.You support someone thru 6 years of hell,when just after you are married they have a breakdown and then cannot even leave the house or be left alone for six months, fight their legal battle,constantly reassure them that things will be ok and how much u love them and behind your back they are spending,spending,spending online;putting your house at risk,your financial security etc. When confronted it will never happen again, they're so sorry and u forgive them because u can say its part of the breakdown.Then it happens again and you forgive again and then again and so on.All thru this time, they're getting better, spending time with friends who say how improved they are, but with you they don't make the same effort. U go to relate and it seems to be helping and then u discovert they are still spending and hiding thousands of pounds of monies made from selling from you, just so they can buy more! Addiction, yes I think so, but if a specialist counsellor is seen and they r not honest with them, so the addict is told u r not an addict, what can u do? and when the parents think their son is so fantastic he can do no wrong and allow him to use their name and address to buy more and hide it from the wife,what can u do?
Part of me is glad we didn't have children, he couldn't have handled no longer being the cared for person and I know jealousy would have been a major problem, but on the other hand I desperately wanted kids and now feel my chances have gone. At least they would have given me a reason to get up in the morning too.I've started to wander why I put up with it for so long (I loved him) and what it is about me that made him keep doing it. Kids are a joke really too, we haven't made love since before his breakdown,another topic for relate, yet I find out he's been on loads of porn sites,including gay ones on the home computer and hidden that from me too. He even joked the other day that he could put some in a pippette for me if I was that desperate for kids but that he could have them at any age so he'd be alright with someone else.Yeah right, like at the moment I'm even convinced he's ever really wanted to be in a loving relationship with a woman or just mothered and allowed to do what the hell he likes.
Sorry all bit of a rant there to say the least, but I'm just feeeling so crap and sad today I had to find an outlet for it. My eyes feel like they got cactus in them from crying so much and even tho I've been the one to finally say enough is enough, it still goddam hurts. Lost hopes and dreams and all that and feeling like your life has been wasted for last 7 odd years.
Curtains still closed.Hope I wake up tomorrow brighter or might as well not wake up at all x x
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Goodman01
said:
| July 07, 2008 | ||
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Blog-on I say, A lot of what you describe in your blog, hits the spot with me, my ex was diagnosed with depression after our second child was born, and one thing lead to another, here I am, two children, living/existing with her and new bloke, me carrying the debt that she generated, and her digging another hole of dispair with her new bloke, which i destined to end in tears as she cannot change, because in her mind she is ill and this is not her fault! Anyway, didnt mean to rant back at you, do what you need to do, and keep the blog going it has helped me to get some of this our there! Good luck GM |
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Techy
said:
| July 07, 2008 | ||
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Hits the spot with me too. Ex suffered from depression, I found it impossible as she refused to get help but blamed it all on me. I could only do so much to help. I also felt like I fighting a losing battle, in that I was constantly undermined by her parents. I'm still battling them, as ex has passed all dealings re divorce, sol's etc to her parents ! In effect I'm divorcing them ! As GM says, keep the blog going. Techy. |
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scaredandupset
said:
| July 07, 2008 | ||
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Thanks techy and goodman Seeing if I had any responses made me get up and its good to know his behaviour is echoed by others. Hope i'll open curtains tomorrow or at least have a less ranting blog! Not quite so scared . |
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Heath
said:
| July 07, 2008 | ||
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Hi It sounds like you've gone through the mill, only to be taken back and put through again. I had a day where I really just couldn't be bothered, stayed in bed and called work. I still have days where I could still do that, but it's no good for your well being. Well meaning friends will come out with the cliches and advice, but they can't ever truly know what you're going through until they've been there. I know that because I used to be blase about divorce, until I became a statistic. Depression touched my marriage too, and has been a huge contributing factor in the situation I now find myself in. My wife suffered from PND after the birth of our first child, and resented me for it, as I was unable to help. To be honest, I wasn't equipped to deal with it, and living with her was very trying. She resented me for the fact she was put on anti depressants, and kept saying 'yeah that's right, put xxxxx on the happy pills and we'll all be alright, won't we' Well I just didn't know what to do. I had been very supportive through the pregnancy and the traumatic birth, never really leaving her side in the hospital. But she had formed a cloud over me and couldn't come out from under it. When our second child came along, I thought it might get better, it did briefly, but... She has viewed me as controlling too, but speaking to her parents this has been a constant theme throughout her life, and they never seemed to challenge her. Spending, not on selfish things, but family holidays etc (alright so her wanting a flash new motor was a bit selfish) has been her way of coping. But then when we were having discussions about money, she'd say money isn't everything! True, but it's just paid for everything she wanted! At the end of it all, the depression was not her fault, but nor was it mine. Anyway, if you on occassion fancy a duvet day, and it won't impact too much on the other things in your life, well take it. But I'd say stay away from getting in to a habit, not good. I hope your days become brighter soon Take Care Heath |
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saoirshe
said:
| July 13, 2008 | ||
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hello, your words could have been written by me, indeed they have on occasions been written, torn up. I too feel like i have been living on a roller coaster for 30 years. i have cried for years, been depressed (but not clinically and not for a long time). Don't give up, it has taken me all my life to finally admit defeat, i have tried every way i know to be the perfect wife and mother. It's all i ever wanted to be and i was very good at it. I thought for years it was me who was wrong but of course it wasn't. Addicts (whatever the addiction) and depressive natures/compulsive behaviour, overspending any of these things really, but basically they are bullies and cowards. You are the crutch. They seem to gravitate towards someone who wont rock the boat, will try to keep things going. His parents are still in denial about him having any problems. I could go on and on but what i need to say is that somewhere from deep within my a light has been switched on and even though i still live in the nightmare i am emotionally removed now, am holding down 2 jobs as i need the money, will have to sell my home which i adore, won't have enough to buy anything ever again, my credit rating is of the scale (not my me but by him but he used mortgage, took cards out etc) today i did a 26 mile cycle for the 1st time in my life and i feel great about myself. I look like a wreck but i don't intend to let him take any more of my life. so don't give up, if i can keep going believe you can too. sorry for going on so much but i needed to know also that there were other people who were in similar situations so please know that you are not alone. take care Saoirshe |
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lyndamac
said:
| August 02, 2008 | ||
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Some people can take you down a road ,they are clever once thye do this then you can not find your way back. Please get up open the curtains talk to friends ,this is not good for you. This is what a bully does gets you on your own so they can manipulate you easier. I hope you feel better soon. Lyndamac |
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bud
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| August 11, 2008 | ||
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well its nice if thats the right word to know that others have suffered and experienced the pain of supporting anothers pain/problems only to be hated and hurt by them all part of denial but I cant help wonder how the hell you rode so far well did S | |
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