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Jun 10
2008
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Why cant i sleep?Posted by stimo in love, dealing with emotions, breaking up, accepting its over |
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Had a bad night last night, found myself dreaming about her (nothing specific, just her in my dreams!). i awoke at 0310 and then that was it for the night! damn!
I dont understand her sometimes, since seperating in January we have only seen each other at work Mon-Fri. until recently (when i put a stop to it) she would make a point of finding me at the end of the working day to kiss and hug me goodbye for the night!
I put a stop to this a few weeks ago because i felt it was giving me a mixed message and i have to move on.
Last Friday, we had to work closely together on a project and i found that she was purposely making sure we touched when sat in front of my computer and at one point she 'ruffled' my hair when i made a comment about something!
Sunday, she arrived with our other business partner and her best friend, to take one or two things from the house that she needs, this always pains me to see, so i escaped into our conservatory where i wouldnt be in the way (coward!). after a while she came to find me and sat down and said 'thank you for the way you are at work' (i recently came out of my zombie like state and started to focus on what the business needed, also recognised she needed some pressue taken off her and suggested she took time off),
i told her that i wasnt letting her off the hook, that my new found strength was not because i no longer loved her or wanted her back, but that i still loved her very much and thought the world of her, but realised that i had to stand up and be a man.
she started to fill up and asked if she could have a hug, i started to fill up and said 'no, because when i hold you, i find it difficult to let you go'. she came over to me and hugged me really tightly and suprisingly kissed me repeatedly on my head!! (what is that about?).
after a few moments, we broke apart and she left sobbing.
i am broken hearted, i love her so much. i have all of this love and a million memories of her,
can i ask?
What do i do with this love? What do i do with these memories?
Please dont tell me to put it all to the back of my mind, because it/they just come back when i sleep!
Desperately sad and lost
Stimo
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Heath
said:
| June 10, 2008 | ||
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Hi Stimo I really can't tell you what to do, but the way she is acting towards can do nothing but mess you up. The other side of the coin is what my wife did, which was fully withdraw, which hurts like hell too. The first time we split she did the same, shut me out, but then we got back together on an emotional tidal wave when we realised we needed each other. Now it has ended in another split, far worse than the first one. We'd bought a new house only 8 months ago, and then feeling controlled by me (it was actually the financial impact of the new house) she cheated in a most devastating way. Now, my feelings are so bitter towards her, yet I still have loving feelings for her, but they manifest themselves as hate when I see her. Still I had a dream about her the other morning (not sleeping much myself either) I think you must stay resolute in the face of her messing with you. It seems that she feels bad over what has happened between you, but if there's no realistic chance (and I now advise against emotionally charged reunions!) then you must keep on being strong against her. Reinforce the fact that she cannot keep on doing what she is doing, she'll get the message eventually, and hopefully as that subsides, so will your feelings towards her and the dreams should stop. I know from personal experience, that this is easier to say than do, but it must be done to move on. Take Care Heath |
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stimo
said:
| June 10, 2008 | ||
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Thanks Heath, i pretty confused by the way she is behaving towards me, perhaps only a woman would be able to understand her. i obviously welcome any and all contact with her as i miss her so much. God! i wish i could understand her (but that has probably been the problem all along! wiki is full of heartbroken people, all supporting each other through the pain and i appreciate your help and advice. Stimo |
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mrsnomore
said:
| June 10, 2008 | ||
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(((((Stimo)))))) its an awful situation hun. I never had this situation, but I know that as Heath says she is probably sad at seeing what she has done to you and maybe feels sorry for herself and you too. She can't be the one to make you feel better if she is not wanting reconcilliation. She may feel bad but by all the attention it just confuses things for you. I think for your own state of mind that she needs to be clear with you and be fair with you by not giving these mixed messages of being 'best friends' or comforter if you are not 'trying or together'. At these times you want your partner close but they are also the one that cannot comfort you as they are the source of the pain and hurt. It must be really hard having to work closely and go through this. You have made your feelings clear to her and she needs to make hers clear if she has not already as you sound pretty at sea over it all, totally understandable but not fair to you. I can't give you any magic answers but try and be strong and put a bit of distance between you out of work, I know you miss her terribly from your post, but you are also hurt by these encounters. huge hugs and take care x |
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Heath
said:
| June 10, 2008 | ||
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No probs Stimo, I'm not on here much at the mo, as my broadband was disconnected, and I'm awaiting reconnection. I'll keep an eye out for you when I'm on and feel free to PM me if you want. Your comment about heartbroken people is so true, and sometimes have to pinch myself that I'm on here, because it doesn't seem like it's happening to me, and I'm going to wake up! No such luck. But blogging/chatting to people on here really does help. Keep on going mate, Heath |
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broken1
said:
| June 10, 2008 | ||
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Can't add much more to what Heath and Mrsnomore have said except that I went through a period like yours but ended up having to lay the cards on the table and getting her to choose, Very painfull in the short term to hear the answer but in the long term it helped me out loads as I knew where I stood from that moment on and yes there where tears but until she makes her feelings clear you can't move on and that is not fair. As for your question ''What do i do with this love?'' Well I would give it to yourself !!! All the best Broken1 |
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stimo
said:
| June 11, 2008 | ||
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I really appreciate all of your comforting comments, much of my problem is that i am 45 and never saw this break up coming, it was only after she left that i really hit me, i have only really had 2 meaningfull relationships in my life, the first one ended because we both grew apart (childhood sweethearts) and it was all very amicable. so this one is the first time that my heart has been broken and i just dont know what has hit me! i never knew that this pain existed. i admit that i have been a pretty rotten partner and totally took her for granted (to my shame!). A lot of my feelings at the moment are to do with my own guilt and regret and frustration at the fact that i will never get the opportunity to make it up to her as i now realise where i went wrong. Many Thanks to All Stimo |
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Shezi79
said:
| June 11, 2008 | ||
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I don't think you can force thoughts and memories back stimo, I think you have to let them out and ride the pain. At least, that's my experience. You don't need advice from me - you have plenty above and, actually, I think you're doing a pretty good of understanding. All you can really do is keep putting one foot in front of the other... A big hug. Shez x |
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rainy
said:
| June 25, 2008 | ||
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Hi Stimo, Just read your blog (so so sad) and all I would like to do is just give you a big big kiss and hug from RainyX. |
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vlad_depeche1
said:
| July 02, 2008 | ||
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The answer for me is pretty simple,i have ADHD anyway but for some of you that do not know that is attention deficit hyperactive disorder but thats not the problem as such,for some reason i dont use my bed anymore i u sually crash out on the sofa in front of the tv with the remote in my hand if i am tired lol, i was used to sharing my bed with my wife as one does so now she is gone i dont feel im ready to sleep in it and go to bed properly just yet lol.  |
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