Have had a good week. I feel relaxed, normal and happy. STBX has been out of the country and is way too tight to text anything from abroad, so I have had more breathing space and peace than I have had for the last eight months or more. I realise that I still have a huge way to go until this feeling is more or less the norm, but it has really given me some strength and time to gather myself for the forthcoming year or more.

At the beginning of all this (Oct 06) I was so dismayed when people told me it took years to be 'normal'! lol again and that things would take years to sort and that I was only at the very beginning of some awful times (comforting eh?!) But all that time has not been totally bad, I have had some horrendous days and some bloody good ones. I now would not have changed what has happened and in a way am glad that it did.

The longer I reflect on the marriage pre-affair the more I realise that I and he had been unhappy for 3 or more years and that we made the classic mistake of not talking and 'thinking it was just a rough patch'. In no way does this excuse an affair - that would have eventually been 'forgiven' in time - but the manner and way in which he dealt with his guilt (blaming me) and his indignation of me making a decision that I could not put it behind me has been utterly appauling and I am sad that his controlling, bullying behavior had not been totally recognised by me before (maybe he wasn't like that before as he was getting his own way then) I have no respect, like or love left for him whatsoever. This also makes him angry - I have never had to tell him what I think of him, he just knows.

My boyfriend came along and it just worked. Lots ot times I have thought 'maybe it was too soon' but it has just been the easiest, loveliest and amazing relationship. I wasn't needy for someone - still enjoy my space and independence - but it has been the easiest thing in the world and I am incredibly lucky to meet someone that has been there for me and treats me so well. The girls know about him, are happy about it (I didn't realise how much they had taken in, and that they realised how unhappy and sad I have been) but I have not introduced them yet. The ex is threatenend by him, scared of him meeting the girls, has made all kinds of threats and is still trying to control me by dictating that my boyfriend will 'never be involved with girls'. I have said that he is their father and always will be, no-one is going to replace him. But he will still try and use this as another mode of control. Not anymore. The girls are now asking when they can meet him and he also wants to meet them, but when they are ready.

Boyf has called me this morning from Mongolia where he is working at the moment, am all smiley, I have all weekend with girls and lots to do and no dreaded hand-overs or contact from X.

Know that I am not through the woods or anywhere near peace from stbx but I am definately stronger to deal with it and let him and his threats and abuse wash over me - he is getting to be a smaller and smaller irritation in my head. And blimey, it feels sooooooooo good.