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Jun 05
2008
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Please help.
I am usually an extremely strong person, I have had to be to survive, I don't cry when anyone is around as they need my strength during the day to see them through especially my daughter who is so kind and caring and offers me so much love.
I have waited until everyone is asleep and am now sat crying as I write, today I have been typing out my daughter Rachel's statement, she is 2nd respondant in my divorce as we have a property business together and to protect her half of them she has had to be joined, I tried negotiating with her dad so she wouldn't have to go through this but to no avail.
After she had read it she asked me if she could tell the judge that I helped her or would she have to lie, I told her that she would not have to lie and it was best if she always told the truth.
This may sound stupid and unimportant but it really upset me that my daughter, who even goes to the cash machine to be able to give money to the homeless has been reduced to thinking that she has to lie, not only to the judge but her father and has to go to court on every hearing and deal with the pain her dad inflicts on her.
Mothers are supposed to protect their children from pain and worry and today I saw how worried she was, thinking about the court date and the abuse she receives from her dad, the last time, he came into the cafe we were in and started laughing when he saw her crying.
The pain and abuse I recieved from my x during our marriage is nothing compared to the pain I feel now for my daughter.
How can I help her during this terrible time, I don't know what to do to stop the pain she is feeling, I have tried offering my x a clean break, saving him over £400,000 but he is not interested.
I would do anything for my daughter but i can't seem to think of a solution, please if anyone can think of a way out of this for my daughter let me know, as it is breaking my heart to see her upset and taking pills for depression.
I just want to be a good mum and protect her from all this pain.
Thank you and God Bless
Dawn
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mike62
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Dawn, From the outside looking in it would seem to me that your ex-husband is a controlling bully, who clearly feels threatened by you and your daughter, and is fighting you tooth and nail to prove to himself and his family that he is the 'superior' and successful person in the business partnership. You clearly are a very strong and successful woman in your own right, who has built a business portfolio from your own skills and efforts and have assisted him in achieving some success with his own propreties. During your marriage, he appears to have subjected you to typical controlling behaviour and you have had the audacity to leave him. How dare you. He has lost face with those that are important to him, namely his own family. He has to get back at you, and be seen to win. But you left him. How can he control you if you no longer live with him? Your daughter. I suspect that he sees your daughter as an extension of the threat that is yourself. He knows that your daughter is the most precious thing in the world to you and is using that fact to get to you. He knows which buttons to press. Cold, calculating and ruthless. You have escaped his controlling clutches, so he is doing it to you via a third party. How low can a man stoop? He is not interested in the impact that his behaviour is havng on his daughter, as she is a means to an end in his attempt to reign you back in. He cannot bear the thought that you are going to win, and is trying deperately to unseat you through the only avenues left open to him. Your business and your daughter. She is an unwitting pawn in his battle to get to you. How could he do this to her? I don't know. He is sick. Sick in the mind. He must feel very inadequate in your shadow, jealous to the core that you can succeed without him. You must be stopped at all costs, in his tiny little warped mind. Your daughter needs to understand that it is not HER that your husband is trying to get to, but YOU. She is just the vehicle he is using. You have come a long way Dawn, to break away from a very nasty man, who thinks nothing of using and abusing anything or anybody to get his way. Just a little bit further. Get through the divorce and whatever the courts decide, or you negotiate, that is the end point. After that, he has nothing else left to control you with. You and your daughter can start to move on and up. Don't cry Dawn, you did nothing wrong. Mike |
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Donnylass
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Hi Dawn, my stbx told me yesterday, not to communicate with our daughter as it is affecting his relationship with her!!! I have a wonderful relationship with her and would rather chop both my arms off than abandon her, as her dad has done. He has done a fantastic job of totally trashing their relationship without any help from me! You and your daughter will survive this by supporting each other. She has the love of a wonderful mum-I won't put that she is 'lucky', because I believe that all children-regardless of their age- should have parents that love them. The person who will lose out most is your stbx. No amount of money can replace our children. Try not to lose heart. Stay strong, there will be an end to the nightmare. Best wishes  |
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gorgeous
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Hi Dawn I could not add a word to what Mike said. If I replaced daughter with son he would have described me too. The house the business the abuse all of it. You did what you could and continue to do so nothing you do will make him change his behavior so but your energy into the positive now x |
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mrsnomore
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Hi Dawn, Sorry that you are having to go through the pain of this. Mike's response is right and has described the controlling to revenge behaviour so well. I can't offer any solution for you and your daughter, but its not you, your daughter has you and you have her, by being such a spiteful bully he will end up with nothing (emotionally) I know you must really be going through the mill, but you will get there and your daughter and you will be stronger and happier without him in your lives. Big hugs x |
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singstarman
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Hello Dawn, To answer your question, there is no way out of this. We all want to protect our children from any kind of pain or distress and ensure their well being. Despite our best efforts there come times where we can't, times when we feel helpless to do what comes instintively and take their pain away. All we can do in these situations is be there for them, talk to them and love them. Your realationship with your daughter seems to be a close and loving one. She will no doubt be thinking what she can do to ease your pain too. Just be there for each other Dawn. In time things will get better, life will improve as you get this sad, pathetic, excuse for a man out of your life. Just remember there will be happier times when you and your daughter will have a bond that can never be broken for going through this together. Talk to each other , hug each other, be honest with each other and let her know how much she is loved. We can't stop bad things happening to our kids no matter how hard we try. We can show them that with love and understanding they can get through anything, good luck girl  |
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IKNOWNOW
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Dawn, I echo what singstarman has said. I have tried from the outset to protect my 5 lovely children from their father and will continue to the best of my ability forever but life throws things at us that we have no control over. My eldest is only 11 yo but they are the reason that I stay strong. I too put on a brave face when inside I am crying. I am through my divorce now but still face abuse from my ex-husband. He is and always will, I fear, be a bad father. I understand that your daughter is on medication for depression, you are her rock and once all of this is over she will then be able to start picking up the pieces. Anti-depressants aren't a cure, they just help you get by day to day. I feel that eventually she will start to see a brighter future and move on from all of this. I am sure if someone was to ask her whether you could do any more, she would say "No". We have to accept that sometimes we just cannot do anything but be there for them and show them unconditional love. Take care Dawn. xx Sarah xx |
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dawn1
said:
| June 05, 2008 | ||
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Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support, kindness and understanding, sometimes what seems like a straight forward basic statement catches me unawares and ill prepared for the feelings that arise from myself and my daughter. It's at times like these that having such nice people like you offering your support and kind words are so desperately needed and so very much appreciated, thank you. I know you are right, as that sums up how he was during our marriage, one and a half years after my daughter and I started our business he forced us into putting our profit into 7 houses for him, he also started working with us, even though we didn't want him too, I know now it was only another way for him to control what we did and a way of getting as much money out of us as possible, leaving us struggling to keep our heads above water. I thank god every day that we are no longer with him. thank you for being there at a time when it was so needed, having you around helps me cope. My kindest thoughts and wishes. dawn x |
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