The Sexual Controller

I apologise from the outset if this is hard reading and totally understand if you stop reading now. This is going to be hard to write but I have to do it for my own sake. This blog entry is for me, to work through thoughts and feelings that have been brought to the forefront.

Today's session of my course was all about the sexual controller. In comparison to others on my course I was lucky; yes lucky that I wasn't subjected to what they had to endure throughout their marriage.

It is a hard thing to accept, that the man you married; the man you had children with could treat you in such a way. To violate your body as well as your mind. This is hard, because looking back at what my now ex-husband did to me, I know there are going to be lots of people asking why I stayed and why I had 5 children with this man.

Believe me, that is one question I want the answer to, but have been told I may never truly find it. It is a heavy weight to carry, knowing that you were helpless to change things because of the abuse yet you let yourself and your children be abused for so long. I guess I just have to be proud of myself for finding the catalyst to face up to the abuse and rescue myself and the children from a future in that environment.

I need to make it clear that on my part at least, all my children were wanted additions to the family and that whatever he put me through, my children were born out of my love. I know that my youngest child was not part of my ex game plan and he openly admitted this in court by saying that in his opinion our marriage had been dead for at least 2 years, at the time he said this, she was not even 18 months old.

I went through a lonely pregnancy, knowing that I loved this baby more than life itself; but even the pleasure of being pregnant was taken away from me by this man. I had no support; no affection, no sharing the baby's first kick. The hard decision of having to have another C-section was left to me in the car park of the hospital on my own as he didn't offer me any support.

Don't get me wrong, in the beginning our sex life was good. We were very affectionate; passionate, spontaneous. Yes, children come along and your sex life changes, of course it does but.........

God, this is so hard, not even sure I have the words................

How is it, that the man you loved, had babies with, can violate you in such a way. If your partner said that they didn't want to make love (or have sex - which eventually was all it was) would you still carry on? Would you see it as your right because you want it now? Would you say "you would if you loved me!"? Would you carry on touching your partner in places that they really didn't want to be touched? Would you then be as rough as you wanted to be even when they said they were in pain?

If I dared to initiate sex (I know, why would I? but we all need love and affection - which yes I know that isn't) he would purely ignore me until I took the hint, but sometimes that would turn him on until later, when I was falling asleep he would start touching me. You are in that state of not knowing whether you are dreaming or not.

I have a medical condition which means sometimes making love can be painful however gentle it is. He probably had sex with me more then than at times when even I would have loved to have made love.

You always believe that next time he will make love to you because you both want to. On the odd occasion that good sex happens; the next morning the emotional abuse escalates, almost to justify you having made love the night before. Almost like a punishment for daring to feel lust and passion.

He never bought me sexy lingerie, he didn't need to. Why would he need me to turn him on? Even on the odd occasion I did buy something nice for myself it would do nothing, probably he would say he didn't want it, that he was too tired. Some nights I tried so hard and he just threw it back in my face.

But do you know what hurt most when he had sex with me? He never kissed or cuddled me. You hear it on TV when programmes portray prostitutes, the "No Kissing" thing.

Now this is a bit explicit maybe, but when you talk about orgasms! Well, I have a real problem in that respect, in a way that I didn't orgasm because he either didn't feel it important to help me reach that point or where I tried to hold onto a little bit of control and not allow myself to.

There are times during the month when a woman is not up for sex if you catch my drift but on occasions that never stopped him either. This is because it was safe. Bearing in mind, we were married 11 years, have 5 children together and that I breastfed them until they were about a year old, I was never on the pill. This meant that we had to use condoms. Yes I know, no one really likes using them, but sometimes are a necessary thing. My ex hated these to think that he had to use one. Not going into detail but he had ways of getting round not using a condom.

He expected me to tell him when it was safe to have sex, like anyone can really guarantee that. He would persuade me that it would be ok, or he would put one on in a bit.

Now, I am sure my youngest was as a result of one of these sessions. Rightly or wrongly, sometimes I never worried about getting pregnant (I know that is really selfish now) because being pregnant was one thing that was in me, something he could never do. I hate myself for bringing my 5 lovely babies into a life of abuse with a man who is not a good father or dad and I will carry that guilt with me, which I know probably is not healthy.

Before I was married, as a student nurse, I was sexually assaulted by a HCA (Health Care Assistant) who I believed I had a relationship with. He got drunk one night and enough said, I explained away the physical evidence and after he stalked me for a while, I moved on. I was only 19 years old. Before we got married, I told all of this to my ex which makes his behaviour even harder to accept.

It was said on my course today, that these abusers often take something from the past and use it against you.

I used to hate it when my ex was drinking (he drank most days, but I mean the days where he really drank) because I just knew I had to get to sleep before he came to bed and even then you could never be sure.

I have never really spoken about the extent sexual control featured in my marriage; like I say, not that bad in the grand scheme of things, when you hear other victims of Domestic Abuse talk about what happened to them. It was just another part of "The Dominator".

I never asked for any of this. But did I ever just say "NO"?

You learn to make excuses as to why you don't want sex with your husband. You feel you have to excuse yourself, that you can't just say "NO". Then he twists it because you didn't say "NO", you obviously wanted it.

I see myself as lucky. Lucky that I see my ex-husband as one man, not a nice man, not a real man. I know that when I find my "Mr. Right" or even "Mr. Right Now" (but still the lover, not the sexual controller) that I will feel love and affection behind the actions of sex. The next time I have sex, I want to make love with someone, for both of us.

If anyone has got as far as this:

I am glad that I have written this blog, too many people are ashamed of what has happened to them in an abusive relationship. I can move forward and find a man that loves me for who I am, and who if we kiss and cuddle doesn't automatically think we will end up in bed. Someone that is happy to show people he loves me and that is happy that the children see us being affectionate to one another.

I know people will find it hard to accept that I stayed with this man for 11 years, but I have to accept that that is past, I cannot change the past but I can build a future free of abuse for me and the children.

It has taken me 10 months to get this far. I now see my body as beautiful; voluptuous and cuddly. I still have days where I hate my body, we all do & being overweight doesn't help. But I am happy with my body. I feel sexy.

In fact, I think I may now have a bit of an obsession with buying sexy knickers; just for my pleasure. To make me feel good. God knows, no one else sees them.

I am a sexual being now. I want to feel sexy now.