To: Amelia Grace It’s really hard to believe that now it has been fifteen years nearly. And for you these past few years have been nothing but constant uncertainty. So now I hope to redress the balance a little bit. By hopefully telling you that there are some certainties in life that perhaps I should have been better at making you aware of. For instance the fact that I am irrationally proud of your strong individuality, your stubborn determination, (straight from your mother). I envy your many friendships and social life, mainly because it reminds me so much of myself at your age. And now in the autumn years it seems so lost to me. But most of all the greatest certainty of all is that I love you. Unconditionally, absolutely......
But I really wanted to talk to you. To leave you something that you can go to when you’re older, so that they’ll always be an index of how I feel about you. At this moment, in this place. That you hold it against me, (not being a perfect “Hannah Montana” Dad) is perhaps is the measure of how much mum & dad’s recent up’s and downs are part of the irregular rhythm of your recent life. I only wish it were different. When you need your own Dad time, you will always have it if you want it. But in truth, July 2nd 1993 may have been the day that you were born, but it’s the fact it was the day that you came into our lives that really matters. One day I would love to put your story in a book. A book filled with the spirit of you, and there haven’t been many days since July 2nd 1993 that your character hasn’t filled every moment and every breath that we’ve shared. Some for worse, but many more than you are aware of for the better.
I can still remember the time spent in the maternity room to await your arrival. Not before it suited you? Fourteen hours later? A pattern to be repeated often in your life. That first moment I saw you, you were just a lump of baby, there was no indication of the spirit that was to come. The thing I always remember about your early days, (apart from the fact that you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, an opinion I still hold to this day), was the sense of intimacy that you demanded from your Dad. As an infant, you often needed to be held and I often needed to hold you. Many a dark night when your Mum was tired and you woke up crying, Mum would unceremoniously eject me from a warm bed with the words “Go sort your daughter out”. And I could then. I would take you in my arms and your face would rest in my neck and often for an hour or more just feel you at peace, secure, loved. At those moments, I was closer to God than I have ever felt in my life.
You would often touch my face, as if to memorise it’s contours, as if you already knew that God had some plans for your Dad, that even he was unaware of, and that, in days to come, there would be so many less, in which you only got a glimpse of who Dad really was.
I often lament that these days I don’t get to spend as much quality time with you and your sister, as I did during the first few years of her life. But truth be told, I spent more time with you during the first six months of your life than I ever did at any point in your sister’s life. And the joy of being able to hold you, have you sleeping quietly on my chest, when Dad needed a break from his daily routine or was stressed. I miss the simplicity of those days.
You were such a tiny diamond. When you began to walk, suddenly and proficiently, at just short of twelve months, people often remarked that you were too small to be so confident. Of course many of those people had not borne witness to the confidence with which you entered school on your first day at 4 years old. We rarely remark on how little you are these days. You are a growing beauty, whose physical stature pales into insignificance when measured against your huge personality. That it is also matched by an equally big heart, is another large dollop of icing on the cake. Your loyalty and thoughtfulness towards your friends and compassion for those that deserve it has been a source of quiet pride to me for many years.
It’s that hearty (maybe too earthy Mum would say?) sense of humour and hearty desire for life that we share. Make me proud. Have a full rich, adventurous and wonderful life. It’s what we’ve tried to equip you for. Even the sometimes unwelcome discipline was a part of that. Not too say we haven’t made mistakes. And some days still do. One day when you have your own children, I hope you’ll look back with some greater understanding. Parenthood doesn’t come installed at birth. It’s all on the job training.
And, of course the music thing. I don’t know whether to be proud or angry that you robbed a handful of my intimate musical memories of my youth from my cherished collection, and made some of them your own. I should thank you for hastening my move to the MP3 world. Thirty-five years earlier, that was me going through your Auntie Sylvia’s album collection. Stevie Wonder, Gypsy Kings, Abba, Thin Lizzy, ALL the Motown stars, Some of these I note have become favourites, although they never overpower your own rhythms and toons.
How many of your teachers have told us that you flow to your own music? As if we didn’t wage battle with your strong will everyday of your life? Like your unwillingness to go to sleep until it’s sleep that you want. So you sit in your room and imagine and build and create and pretend and dance and sing and write stories too, and I can’t get mad, since it’s your eternally restless Dad who can never get his own ass to bed before 1am.
There’s that defiant streak in you and your sister, marked by the defence of your rights to know the logic behind the things that your parents/teachers/friends/others ask of you. Your mother and I would like to think that we have endowed you and your sister with the ability to make your own decisions and to develop your own convictions and moral code. And yes, when we’re running late on the mornings, or the two of you are testing our last nerves at the end of a long day, that stuff is maddening. But I often think about how well your spirits will serve you as grown women in a world that would rather you sit quietly and take directions.
The thing I so love about you now, is the way that you simply fill a room. That people, some twice your age, feel the need to gravitate towards you and take your conversation seriously. The little kids who, literally hung on your legs because you showed them tenderness and kindness. The teachers who need to remark about your obvious maturity, intellect and ability. Perhaps because nowadays, I only get a too rare glimpse of you, yet I still find myself mesmerised by your spirit.
My favourite moments with you these days are those times when your guard comes down and we talk. I’ll correct that. You chatter and I listen. Then you ask for a lift/money/unspecified necessity......... Just once more in my life, I would love to have you reach up, like you are that crawling infant again, asking for me to lift you. At first I would complain. You are in fact a fully grown fourteen year old and dad’s is a 52-year back, until I came to realize your intent.
Yes, you are a big girl, but even a big girl sometimes needs to feel small and secure in her dad’s arms. Hopefully this big girl knows her Dad loves her... absolutely... whether near or far, in time, or in distance,
To: Amelia Grace It's really hard to believe that now it has been fifteen years nearly. And for you these past few years have been nothing but constant uncertainty. So now I hope to redress the balance a little bit. By hopefully telling you that there are some certainties in life that perhaps I should have been better at making you aware of. For instance the fact that I am irrationally proud of your strong individuality, your stubborn determination, (straight from your mother). I envy your many friendships and social life, mainly because it reminds me so much of
bertie670 said: 'Saffy, heres a cuddle (((((((((((((())))))))))))))))
;)
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So because you had your heart crapped on you are worried about it happening again, well thats not a surprise!
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Peterd said: 'Just signed in and read your story.
I went through the same sort of thing, with violence/excessive drinking/screaming and eventually punching etc. The Courts/CAFCASS have pro ... Read more...
megan said: 'Daisy just seen your blog (((((((((((((((((((((( Daisy))))))))))))))))))
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