...something comes along and knocks you down.

I thought I was doing so much better. My son went away for 9 days with his mother. I had a really hard time, but the report back was that he was doing okay on this visit, which made me feel much better about the whole thing.

I drove to California to pick him up the day before Mother's Day, and I met with his mother for a bit before she went back to her house. There wasn't much for us to say to eachother, so I guess that means I have come to realize there is nothing left but memories. As I was putting my son in my car and getting ready to leave, I handed her a card I had purchased and wished her "Happy Mother's Day". She thanked me, and then I reached into the car, grabbed a folder, and handed it to her. When she asked what it was, I replied, "divorce papers...can you sign them this week?". She seemed stunned and just stood there as I climbed into the car. I asked again if she would sign them and she said "I'll get around to it." I asked, "What are you waiting for?" and she simply shrugged her shoulders. I changed my question to, "Are you waiting for something?" and she just shrugged again and stood there looking at me. I started the engine and said, "just sign them please" and I closed the door. She turned and walked away.

It has now been 11 days and there have been no text messages, no e-mails, no phone calls, and no contact whatsoever. I was starting to feel better about the whole separation and moving on with life, then tonight came...

I still check her e-mail periodically. I want to be sure she's not filing for divorce in her state or making some plans to try to take my son. I'm sure part of it is just out of the need for me to know what she is doing. And I'm asking for the pain by continuing to look at the e-mails. I know this. There was an e-mail from someone to her with photos of her and her new partner...enjoying an afternoon out somewhere. Looking happy together. It really hurt me to see them. I guess that's just one step closer to reality of the end of things.

So...here I sit. Wondering whats next for me. Not understing how someone can just abandon a family and a marriage for selfish personal gratification. How do some people live with themselves?

At least I have no hope for saving the marriage anymore. I don't know how that can be described as a good thing, but I guess it is.