Background to my bitter 'ex' periences

18 months ago my stbx hubby had a classic colleague affair after 10 years of marriage and two children. He left 'to sort his head out' ignoring my pathetic attempts to make him stay. He continued to see her for five months then decided he wanted to come back and 'save his family' (as you can imagine I was most impressed with him remembering us after 5 months).

So we 'tried to save our marriage'. We went to Relate, made an attempt to do all the things that we said were lacking. In between times I still did not feel that he 'loved' me as he still reeled off the faults I had that lead to his affair, and he is extremely worried about what 'people' think of him. In a nut shell he came back through guilt, his totty not being that good and because he did not want to be another statistic or as bad as a number of his colleagues that chose the affair and multiple marriage option on a regular basis.

I did not trust him, had huge issues with little bits and bobs I consequently found out that had not been true and then found out that he had been in contact with totty by text and phone calls (all 'ok' as she was his 'friend' and she needed help?!)

Within six months of him coming 'home' we had broken up again for a month and then I finally admitted that I had had enough. Always checking his phone and not believing a word he said or action he did (even when I knew they were not dodgy, my head would not let it go). Then found that he had been in contact for a second time.... again totty needed his help.

I said that I was not happy (understatement) and that I wanted to separate as I had had enough of living like this and could not forgive him. He said 'fine, yur decision, you sell the house if you want to, but I am not moving out' And so I did. For the three months that it took to sell he was spiteful, aggressive, nasty, snide and sly. Going out clubbing, telling me I would regret it, meeting up with totty and lying about his whereabouts (not that I was changing my mind but he was playing mind games). House move was a nightmare as he arranged nothing - even for himself. The day of the move the aggressive, abusive and spiteful texts and phone messages started and here we are six months, after moving and nine months after telling him I had had enough finally and I am still getting them daily and then some.

Three months after we moved into separate houses he decided that he loved me after all and wanted me back. I have said a few (million) times that I have not and will not change my mind. He thinks by being abusive and then telling me I should be 'saving my family' that I will suddenly think he is the answer to my dreams (omg dillusions r us)

I cannot afford to divorce at the moment, and really don't think that that will change his behaviour. I have met a new partner and am happy (much to stbx's wrath) My children are doing well, but he is dragging them into it all the time by using them as a parenting competition and information pumping station to fuel more rants at me.

I am learning on a daily basis to try and not let his bitterness and failure to accept my decision affect me. He has been a control freak and a bully and he is going mad about losing 'control' of me. I am not able to stop his bitterness.