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May 14
2008
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It all comes flooding back.........Posted by starry_eyes in Untagged |
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I went to the hospital today for some physio on a sprained ankle, i didnt expect to feel the way i felt. Hospitals have very sad memories for me. Around two years ago i lost a baby, i was 20 weeks pregnant and went for a routine scan, i was all excited and was looking forward to the scan pic to show the kids. I had a very rough pregnancy and spent most of it in hospital, as i did with my other children due to hyperemises, which is excessive vomitting, i need to be kept on a drip and have no energy at all, could just about manage to walk to the loo. Anyway there i was in the scan room and saw the face of the person taking the scan changed and then her lip quivered, she told me she my baby had passed. Some of you may have watched coronation street recently when Maria lost her baby, mine was in the same way. I was devasted my youngest was 8 at the time, the baby wasnt planned but it was a nice surprise. I felt i had to be very brave and had to hold it together for the kids, they were heartbroken and i tried to get things back to normality, especially since i had just come back from a lengthy stay in hospital (5 months) and wanted to be a mother to them once again.
My ex pretty much got back to normal, i had asked him if we could try for another some time, and he said hopefully, dont know what hopefully meant, it wasnt yes and it wasnt no, i think it was kinda vague.
Unknown to me he had been seeing someone before i became pregnant, and was just about to leave when i fell pregnant. So he leaves a month after i lost the baby. We never had a row, he just left. One night he just packed his stuff and left. So now i had lost my baby, hadnt grieved properly and lost my husband, not only that but had very strong suspicions there must of been someone else. The next few months were particularly hard, but i stayed strong for my childrens sake. My ex treated me like rubbish, i didnt want him to see me become a nervous wreck, i was going to rise above everything. Have i grieved properly? Im not sure, i feel im not over what has happened. As i sat in the hospital earlier today, tears welled up in my eyes, as everything came flooding back.
Not sure why im writing this, im not looking for sympathy, just had to get my feelings down. Me and the children talk about what happened, but in a nice way we say their brother is in heaven, and the angels are looking after him. My ex didnt mention him at all. I know it was because he was only bothered about himself and when he could leave. By the way the woman who he left me for dumped him, and it serves him right, as for her, she knew who i was, and the situation, but still decided to wreck our home, the got bored and didnt go for him herself. My ex has moved on again, and again, and has a number of affairs during our marriage. I'm glad hes no longer in my life, cant live with a controlling horrible man that he was.
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rubytuesday
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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HI Starry, Its hard dealing the emotional loss of a baby (I lost a baby 10 years ago at 14/16 weeks), let alone having to deal with everything else you went through at that time. Allow yourself time to grieve, that is important. Every year, I allow myself some time alone to think about my own loss, and while the pain does ease over time, I feel it is important to allow myself those few precious thoughts of what might have been. We were both married to nasty controlling men, and we are both far better off without them in our lives. Stay Strong, Starry Ruby xx |
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mike62
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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StarryEyes, I don't think we ever really get over the loss of a child fully. As Ruby says, it eases over time, but there are always those 'what if' and 'who was' moments where we wonder what might have been different. Dealing with the loss of your marriage and husband would inevitably cause you to suppress grieving for your lost child. I find it hard to comprehend how someone could be so nasty as to leave you at such an emotionally difficult time. But from what you say, that was his nature. He seems to have got his comeuppance with his new lady, but I suspect that will be like water off a duck's back. Take comfort in the fact that he is no longer causing you so much grief. Enjoy your children, they grow up all too quickly. Big hug, Mike |
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Fiona
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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You are not alone, there are probably a fair number on this site who have suffered the loss of a child. Our first baby was stillborn at full term and the first time I was aware there was anything wrong was when I went into labour and the midwife couldn't detect a heartbeat. My ex suffered clinical depression and was emotionally unavailable in my hour of need and even now almost 26 years later the feelings of loneliness from that time can be overwhelming on occasions. Still, as the German philosopher Nietzsche said, what does not kill us makes us stronger. Take care. |
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marriaa
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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nd I still think about them when it would have been their birthday.But I do believe everything happens for a reason.If I had the last one the child would be only fourteen and I would have had to put up will the marriage for the sake of my child so i think it is Gods will and we humbly have to accept it. It is something we can never forget but men are deffirent but then we can never deny that we are the mother ,it s easy for a man . look after yourself |
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Rasher
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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Hi Starry eyes I would imagine you are doing a bit of grieving now, the human psyche is a very powerful thing and when you had this loss you simply didnt get the circumstances to allow you to deal with it all then. Sometimes we have to just 'do' rather than 'feel' because its all too much at the time. Your mind and body knew you had to be strong for yourself and your other children. I would let it flow through if thats whats happening right now. Hard not to feel bitter towards an ex who acts like that but somethings really wrong there and yr better off without as you seem to acknowledge. Good of you to share this with people, there are many more who are encouraged by knowing they are not alone. Life can be very tough sometimes. I hope theres some happier things winging their way to you. Best wishes - Rasher |
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starry_eyes
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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Thank you all for your messages, what you say makes a lot of sense, your right fiona i am not alone, it happens to many many people, feel for you losing a child full term, mike yes we never really get over it, but in time the pain does ease, yes im fortunate to have other children who make everything in life worthwile. Maria definately Gods will, and we do have to try and accept things that go wrong in our lives. Rasher you summed it up how it was, i was so busy trying to be strong that i put the grieving into a little box and closed it. Perhaps if i had that on top of everything else that was going on at the time i would of had a breakdown, and it was my way of copeing. Ruby your right we are rid of those nasty controlling men. Heres to happy days! I do feel a lot better after writing the blog, and especially after reading peoples little messages, its nice knowing there are good people in the world, who can spare there time for a stranger, for no gain, but only to ease anothers pain, how beautiful xxx |
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daisygreen
said:
| May 15, 2008 | ||
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Hi Starry eyes, thank you for sharing this, I continue to be astounded at the callous way some men choose to behave, and move on without a backward glance, but its true about the things not killing us make us stronger. Wonder if that kind of behaviour dates back to pre history - neanderthal methods of dealing with stressful situations - run away, hope his knuckles got skinned running.. Enjoy a life of freedom and living well |
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rubytuesday
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| May 15, 2008 | ||
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its nice knowing there are good people in the world, who can spare there time for a stranger, for no gain, but only to ease anothers pain, how beautifu What beautiful words, Starry - bought tears to my eyes! Glad you feel better after writing your blog, and thank you for sharing this with us. Ruby xx |
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denmanra
said:
| May 16, 2008 | ||
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no man can ever understand the emotional pain of losing a child as a carrying parent, but to be in that position with what else was going on must have only made you withdraw to a level that many people could never understand, i think the fact you have opened up on here shows your carachter and stregnth is begining to shine through and surface again. take care ricky |
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