A bit of everything on my mind!

Well where do I start?

The children are with their father for one of their few contact sessions; so I have 7 hours all to myself.

What do I want to be doing with this time? I know what I should be doing - housework, without the children demanding my time and distracting me from what needs doing.

I would love to be spending the time with my "partner" (questionable terminology I know but can't let go of that just yet; don't think he wants to either); frolicking on the beach, walking along holding hands; just relishing the time we have together.

So, "me" time. This is such a rare thing I am not sure I really know what to do. Have spent the morning texting several friends from wiki, all of them having the wonderful ability of raising a smile just from being themselves. My life without wiki - I really don't want to think about it. Some people dip in and out of wiki for a bit of support and advice but wiki is so much more than that to me. Wiki is my lifeline; my safety belt, an outstretched hand always there to pull me back from despair.

Now the divorce is over I am doing a lot of searching; searching for answers about where my life has gone. Why I let it disappear from under my nose and whether I will ever get it back. It seems I don't know the answers to anything much anymore.

You know the hardest thing for me at the moment is knowing how to have a relationship with a friend. Now if this friend is female I can justify that and involve my children but what if this person is a male?

Most of my friends before I got married were of the lovely male species but they disappeared with my single life. All my friends disappeared, all as a result of living with a dominator for a husband. I have always been a natural flirt and a very tactile person and miss the closeness of a cuddle.

So, am I allowed male friends and how do I make them part of my life without people thinking I am a tart? Say this man has kids and we just want to spend time together sharing the activities that we do with the children.

I know my children will no doubt tell their father of any man in my life whether that be platonic or otherwise. What message am I sending to my children if I do more than talk to this man, just wanting to feel that closeness but not on a sexual level?

I need to be there for my children and they will always be my number 1 priority but I am realising for the first time since I got married that I am a person in my own right; not just mum to 5 lovely children. I need more from my life before I go mad in the closed capsule that is my life at the moment.

As for the abuse I am receiving from my ex-husband at the moment; I am dealing with this but am looking for guidance. My solicitor has suggested that I go back to mediation to set some ground rules re: contact with myself and the children. My x currently intimidates me just by making his presence felt in any given situation so I cannot see how I will face mediation (unless I could have a person who understands the abuse present) and feel that I am being heard. Will be discussing how I move forward with my course facilitator on Tuesday - need to start living my life again.

As for the comments made about changing my phone numbers! I don't see why I should; I see this as him making me do yet something else. I know that this will be a pointless exercise as my daughter would give her father the new phone number as soon as he asked; not thinking anything of it. I refuse to drag my children into the abuse anymore than they are already and will not put them in the position where they cannot give out their phone number. My solicitor has also told me that my ex-husband also needs a contact number to reach me on in an emergency or when he can't email me with regards to the children.

It has also been said that I could withdraw contact for a period of time until he realises what he is doing. This was done on a previous occasion and a court order is now in place making it a neccesity that I make the children available for contact. Currently the courts pay little attention to a history of domestic abuse in contact cases although the Domestic Abuse Action Groups have recommended that any allegation of Domestic Abuse is fully investigated before a final contact order is granted.

I feel like the system has let me down and that I can't protect myself or my children properly because I could face a prison sentence for not making the children available for contact. He is clearly breaching both the contact order and the undertaking not to harass or intimidate etc but my solicitor seems reluctant to act.

I cannot go on feeling the way I do. Sometimes I feel like writing him an open letter telling him how he makes me feel but someone commented last night that this is effectively handing him yet more control.

I know he will not change, he sees no reason to, so that means I have to take control of the way he makes me feel. So can I face mediation? Can I see the point; even more can I take any more abuse being in such close proximity to him?

Let us see what this week's events throw up. The time draws near to go and collect the children from their father, from the supermarket car park. The public place that we collect and drop off as he is not allowed within a mile of my house.

Life has to change; my youngest is only 1 year old and therefore the contact will continue for a long time to come yet. Many people said that he would graudually start to cancel contact sessions and gradually fade out of their lives; I guess only time will tell. I want my children to have a father; more over I want them to have a dad but don't know whether that will ever happen. It saddens me that he cannot see the pain he causes both to me and the children by his abuse and limited contact with the children.

I will always be there for my children but know I need to deal with my issues to make sure I can support my children properly. I need to find a life for me, need to find fulfillment in whatever form that is.

I still am not sure where to start as regards finances and selling the house; trying to make sure all posts have been covered before I have to kiss my equity (my little compensation for 11 years of abuse) goodbye. He has walked away with an intact pension and I face losing any financial recompense I have from a marriage based on abuse and financial control. Don't get me wrong, money isn't everything and me and the children will always be happy wherever we are but just part of me is bitter that he once again comes up smelling of roses.

Well, just one more thing to share with my friends at wiki : my 11 year old son has been chosen to go to try-outs to represent Waveney at the Suffolk Youth Games. He has an initial assessment on thursday evening. I have managed to get him some coaching at the sports centre and he went for the first time last week. His coach asked whether he had been selected to attend the try-outs saying that he would question it if he hadn't. He went to assessment last year but never got past the initial stage. This year he has more experience and age on his side and has not been sidelined with injuries. He has the build for a top basket ball player being the height of a 14 year old.

I am glad that he has had his sport through all of the divorce crap. He doesn't express his feelings well and I see sport as his release. He has his Year 6 SATS this week as has my daughter her Year 5 practice SATS.

He is going away with the youth club next weekend, something his father would never have allowed. I asked him to pay towards this weekend as I really couldn't afford it but he wanted to be the one to decide whether he could go or not. I told him that he was no longer going to tell me what decisions I make. If he wants to play an active part in decision making then he needs to play an active part in his children's lives (not that I told him this).

I know I had to allow my son this weekend away so that he can be allowed to spread his wings and just be himself. After his father repeatedly tells him to be the man of the house he needs to just be an 11 year old boy. That comment in itself causes conflict for my son as he has only ever seen the man of the house as the dominator. Something to live upto - I hope not but you learn what you live!

I hope that I have sounded some what positive throughout this blog, although still wanting answers!