Im still around

  As some of you resident readers may have noticed I've not been in much of late so just letting you know that I'm still around.

Why the hell do I let myself get into these emotions, I should after all these years be able to control it but with each lie that comes out and I have to prove it false, its getting me down, each time I prove its false another lie comes out even more outrageous; are judges really so stupidly blind that they will just about believe anything put it front of them. I'm not going to go on about what the X has done, does or doesn't deserve I know I'm wasting my time, the law isn't likely to change in my life time...

So where the *&^% am I?  I think I'm going through that depression stage once more.

I been in it in my past and as I say once again struggling through it, the moments of sadness that jump into my mind in my quiet moments of time, I don't sleep very well most times around 3 - 4 hours then wake for a few hours and doze again. Sometimes I feel anxious and hyper, but then as the minutes drag on I feel drained of energy. I feel confused and find it difficult to make decisions that are really trivial like what to have for dinner.

As a man I find it hard to admit I cry, I get angry with myself at silly things. I have aches and pains all the time, only thing I don't feel or think about is death and suicide, so at least I know I've not gone that far down the road.

Out side of the internet I find it hard to talk to new people, I feel I can't trust anyone now, like life is spiralling once more out of control, my thoughts go into getting up and running away, getting a new start in life, but then reality steps in and says your over the hill idiot think again.

 Something in me takes control and I look back into my mind and I know that these experiences and issues I feel and describe, the sadness, sleep problems and mood swings feeling confused are very distressing. I don't have to go through this alone.  It can be very isolating and hard feeling unable to tell parents, brothers, sisters or friends in a face to face situation.

So whats dragged me back here? For me I'm back again to that terrible period of 3 years ago, very little of nothing, only this time I can't keep this roof over my head anymore the house is now up for sale.  I've had a very quite skint period since before Christmas so much like last time. Once more I'm having to resort to Sally Anne to provide me with sustenanceat least 4 times a week, consolation at least this winter it has been warmer than 4 years ago, but Im back to sitting in the supermarket and library to pass time and keep warm if feeling nippy.

The differences now of course is that the security moves people on, old, young, broke what ever you can't sit here too long. I go for a cuppa and seat with my meagre existence I pop into Azda café and even there I moved on, your not allowed to linger anymore than 20 minutes, I have to be drinking or eating, and most times where I sit nobody does its in a colder area than most and never fills to that capacity, also of course with price hikes and tax robbery I'm now worse off by £3.75 a week, less than I was getting in 2005 down to £12.23 to buy food with per week after everything is paid, so 19:000-20:30 nightly Im in Azda buying the out of date stuff, cooking and freezing what I can.

I found myself talking to a pensioner who I hadn't seen for a few weeks and found out that they now congregate at the new Doctors surgery, lots of seats, 2 floors and nobody asks questions, it has a café there and is warm, just keep busy talking to patience's that are seating round you.

I'm using someone else wireless broadband because they've not locked it, but at least chat and reading can be done here in wiki. Of course I cant stay on too long as I don't want to find Im using to much of whose ever line it is.

So if any of you are in my part of Cheshire and feel like a cuppa in Azda or Morrison's and you see a grey haired quite well dressed chubby chappy who smiles easily, holding an empty cup to his lips to look as if hes drinking buy him a cuppa and and a bacon butty LOL