I hated myself today. I asked my daughter what had happened about the potential holiday her boyfriend's parents had suggested, in Italy. She said they're going for a week, parents are paying for the accommodation, daughter and boyfriend will have to pay transport. As they're students, funds are limited, so this means they can't come with me on holiday to Cornwall in September, as we'd planned, but not booked.

Despite knowing perfectly well that she'd be daft to turn down a 'free' holiday, that she would prefer a holiday with me, that the idea of a holiday with me only came up when I found a

The last couple of days have been very hard. Overwhelmed by tears last night, feeling so lonely and unwanted. Thank goodness a friend from a depression group realized how low I was and gave me a phone call. Today, it was a case of trying to keep calm enough to go to my IT course, but as soon as I was driving home, the tears started again. At least my daughter's going to be home this week - A level exams.

There's a scenery painting session at the theatre tonight, and it's back to my usual struggle between feeling I ought to go and help, but just not having the energy or motivation to do it.

I experience mood swings a lot, and very quickly. So having my son leave home, come back, leave, come back, several times over one week-end hasn't been easy. He left on Friday, the plan being to stay with his girlfriend next week as he starts a new job close to her on Monday. Then they'd return next week-end to collect furniture they've been given and move into their new flat together.

In fact, they appeared on Saturday to use my scanner to reply quickly with the Tenancy Application Form! They stayed with me for lunch, went to her family for dinner, while I went out to do a murder mystery,