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Feb 03
2012
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Should of, could of, would ofPosted by woodybuk in breaking up, accepting its over |
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OK, this is a really short bolg. Still, so sad, sad, sad. Does anyone else see their ex with a new partner and think, 'hold on, it's easy to blame but, God I wish I'd made moe effort, wish I'd made it come OK'.
Comments (12)
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flowerofscotland
said:
| February 04, 2012 | ||
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woodybuk, Yes I agree, we all had our parts to play in the breakdown of our relationships. Nobody after all, is perfect. It is hard knowing that the one person you have had so much history with is making a new life, whilst we are still stuck. I am angry at the fact that my STBX gave up on us, the children and I, so easily. No talk of marriage guidance, no sitting me down and trying to work things out, no recognition of the long term effect on the kids, yes I am angry. Meanwhile he plays happy families with OW No2, who has absolutely no clue what he has done to his wife and children, it is ripping me apart. So yes I wish I had tried harder, tried much harder to make thinks better before things got totally out of hand. Take care for now FoS x |
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scaryclairie
said:
| February 04, 2012 | ||
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I think we were dealt marked cards. In some cases there is not much we could have done to stop them going of on their own course....the cards had been dealt long before we were brought to the table to discuss the game. I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. (Just as a ps to hopefully bring a smile to your face - I reckon I could have been a cross between Mother Teresa and Heidi Klume and my ex would still have gone off with the ow - who had been on scene for 14 years - however, for the record for anybody going in March, I have the looks of MT and the religous ethics of HK....ps I may be doing HK a disservice - but you get the picture I hope!) Take care, and once again, I am so sorry you are sad. |
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chokoy
said:
| February 04, 2012 | ||
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i stopped thinking about i should have, could have and must have done when we're together. i am coming into the realisation that though we are not perfect, they too have an obligation to make the relationship work. i feel bad because i invested my life in our relationship. however, what my wife had done is an easy way out. i know it hurts to see them as it hurts me when my friends tell me about them. this is a mind game playing on our emotions. i hope you well... | |
Mitchum
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| February 05, 2012 | ||
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I have to hand on heart say that I could not cope with seeing my ex-husband and my ex-friend together. Fortunately I don't have to but I can imagine how you're affected by it. We did what we did and we hoped it would be enough. Sometimes, loving just isn't enough for some people. The sadness will ebb away. It doesn't go overnight but slowly you will begin to feel whole again. Changed,certainly different, but whole. For whatever reason our exes decided to leave, it creates a massive hole where our lives used to be. You have to begin to fill it. xx |
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Canuck425
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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I really believe there is nothing I could have done. My ex came into this so damaged and messed up that it was going to blow apart at some point. I miss the "happy family" or the semblance on one. However, I think I really mean it when I say I wish my ex the best. I hope she finds happiness. I want the mother of my children to be happy and she has not been for so long. | |
ascatfish
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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I don;t think I could have done anything more to humanly hold my marriage together. i read my old diaries and again and again I was saying how badly he weas treating me - just being selfish and uncaring - and whether he was going to change and grow up once we had kids... I was giving 100% all the time and he was giving 25% most of the time. I was exhausted with it, and then when i started to speak out about his problems with his temper and selfishness and ask him to seek help with our GP, then he conveniently starts an affair with the nearest rancid person who threw herself at him... So while I hate the thought of him with OW - I also know he is deeply unhappy now - and I know i tried my very best in an impossible situation. i coudnt have done any better with the cards Id been dealt, so I wont take any blame. I wasnt always perfect but i was alwasy working in the best interests of my husband and our family - unfortunately he wasn't :/ |
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startagain
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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I am 2.5 years on from finding out about my ex's affair. For me it is very strange that some guy now lives the life I use to have, tough as he has lived in almost from the same week I had to leave and yes there are still times when it feel strange that I am outside of the family unit or as Canuck has said the semblance or it. Although seeing them all play happy families still hurts it gets less and less. Mitchum is right the hurt does ebb away. On the other side it feel strange to imagine still being with my ex, she wanted out for 10 years (i think she never really wanted to be in at all) and she treated me like crap for those 10 years did not know how bad it was until I was out of it - and boy I would not like to be in that place again. From what the kids tell me it not all happy families. I have a good relationship with my kids and spend good about of time, I also have time for myself - which I have have when married, I now have more control of my life and no longer have my ex telling me what to do and what I have do wrong -well she still does but I ignore it and do not let it get to me. Being free on this abuse is very liberating. OK wish all the crap had not happen as it was the worst thing I have been though the lies the abuse, I lost my home, I lost my say in my kids lives and see them less and manyy people turn their back on me because of my ex's lies and bad mouthing , I do also miss "happy family" or the semblance of one and ending up being an uncle or an old brother to my own kids is harsh, but as I said some guy now lives the life I use to have and to be honest he is welcome to it - maybe he is better walking on those egg shells! I believe if you are trying too hard to keep a relationship going something is badly wrong. Good relationships should be effortless. |
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patti.p
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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Woody, Firstly, (((hugs)))). I hope each day sends you a small bit of relief, even if it seems slowgoing. I have spent far, far too much time thinking about what I could have done differently, esp early on. I used to think that if I was thinner, worked shorter hours, was generally happier (as I was when we met), had more similar hobbies, was more friendly with his Mum, etc., we would still be together. It is simply not true at all. He was a child that demanded that he was to get his way no matter who or what he destroyed. I agree with scary - he would have done what he did (leave me for a woman who he met through his Mum) no matter what. The seeds were planted & I, too, have looked at old diaries writing how I was upset, sad, wished he would change... It was only a matter of time before the very thin veneer came off him & he made his break. Even now it is absolutely the worst thing to ever happen to me, just for the cruelty alone. I think that its unfair to blame yourself too much. Sometimes people may put 100% effort in, but the OH still thinks no effort has been made - because they misread info, are too selfish to think about anything but themselves, or just dont see the other side. Also, for a lot of us, we are simply collateral damage in the "grass is greener" syndrome. They have an idea of what they want, dont want to work to make it better, are just waiting for that calculated risk to take. I couldnt have done any more than I did to make my marriage work, I bent my personal philosophy & took him back after cheating, I spent all my money on him, worked longer & harder than him & still did everything in the house, took care of him when he had a cold whilst he still demanded to be fed after I came home from the hospital on bed rest - I couldnt do any more. No matter how scared I am for my future, it is still better than being alone when you are with someone. I was always thinking of the both of us, he wasnt. End of. Now he is still thinking of himself & that will be the same no matter who he is with. If you are doing all the work and getting no reward, then you need to stop and look at why the machinery isnt working. |
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Hoping for better
said:
| February 05, 2012 | ||
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The question of what you could have done differently will torment you, and it's the wrong question. The only questions you need to ask yourself are about now, because the past is fixed. You can't go back and change it. Also, you are looking at the past with only half the knowledge about what happened, so wont be able to find the answerrs that you seek anyway. You will have to find a way to draw a line about the past, and start asking different questions. Questions about today - what you want, and what you can do to get it. These are hard questions too, but the answers are going to shape your future. | |
Cornie
said:
| February 07, 2012 | ||
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I remember what a good friend said to me once: "we always think it is all rose coloured in the new relationship but the fact is, it isn't". We rather blame ourselves and keep sticking in the why's then indeed moving by asking ourselves the questions what we really want now (thanks to hoping for better). Fact is, we were reality when it all happened, the OW (or OM) was the fantasy. There was simply nothing we could have done to change their minds (something my hypnotherapist told me). Moving forward is hard work, damn hard work but to me the only way forward. Now I am thinking more and more that the OW (in my case) only went for 2nd best and I know even considering going back to him would mean I settle for 2nd best. I know now that there was simply nothing I could have done to make him change his mind, and if, I don't know if I ever could have trusted him anymore. Stop torture yourself, you did the best you could with the tools available and that is something only to be damn proud off. Take care.... |
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