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Feb 01
2012
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Hi
Was chatting to Young Again last night and as I'm at the beginning of the nightmare thought it would be usedful to try this.
Background - married 16 years. 13 yr old daughter (autistic) and 9 year old son. I have a good job - wife worked until Dec 10 and hasn't worked since.
On Jan 7 I found a christmas card from my wifes lover. For several days she said she wanted to save the marriage and then after seeing a friend a few days later decided she wanted to leave me. I became depressed - got anti depressents and since then have been in work, off work, in work - difficult to concentrate.
We're had problems in the marriage her insecurity, body image issues, lack of affection. I turned to watching porn videos which she found 7 years ago. Since then it's been a one sided relationship with her always holding the upper hand. She has always struggled to say she loves me and I have always tried to give her love and affection but felt pushed away. I asked her to try Relate but she refused.
We are still in the house and put on a front for the kids. I don't want to separate but try and get counselling and look forward together with the kids.
She doesn't want this and we have agreed to buy a 2 bed house within walking distance. I stay in the family home with the kids and she does the afternoon school run and spends time with them in the evening. Effectively they have two homes and we will try and stay flexible where and when they stay.
I think my wife wants a single life to play the field - thats why she is happy for me to have the kids overnight. She has also pursued her lover but he has gone back to his wife. I gave him an ultimatum to stop speaking to my wife. The phone calls didn't stop so I told his wife about the affair.
He is 50 and my wife 37. His wife tells me he had a crisis at turning 50 and was flaterred by the attention of a younger woman. Says that my wife did all the running and from experience I can believe that. The affair lasted 18 months and happened in my home - he is a builder. My home feels violated and happy memories have been ruined by this.
I struggle to carry on with normal life - no close friends and family. 10 years ago we moved from my home town in the south to east anglia to be near her family. I cut all ties with my former life because i invested in my and her family. Also it's been hard because of my daughters autism.
Everyone says I'm a brilliant dad (my dad left when I was 3) and thats why I can't understand why my wife is pressing the self destuct button.
Thanks for reading this.
Comments (7)
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Patrick1968
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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Weird. I never knew my ex-wife had a twin. It looks as though she has had a taste of whats outside and wants more. There is some good news if you can call it that and thats that you know she's had an affair. She's felt ugly/fat etc with you but now feels empowered because men want her...well sort of...old men want her..and they want her for who she is...no they don't. You need to get legal advice, make yourself the priority. DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING. She wants out she can do the walking. I expect that once she loses the security of you or Monty Burns she'll make her way back to you. She's hit the self destruct button because she is selfish like all of our ex's. What happens then is up to you. Prepare for war Sarum because its coming your way. There are no answers. You need to look after YOU. |
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carlykav
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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(((sarum))) You will probably never know why. You need to do what's best for you and the Children. Sounds to me like you are a GREAT dad. Stay stong! |
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Canuck425
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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Similar stories for sure. Focus on you first, then the kids. I think it is so common for men to put all their energy into a marriage and then family and leave nothing for themselves. It's just not ok for you to have no friends or support. I was in this same situation, so I know. Reach out to people and you may be surprised at who steps up. Support is so important to getting through this healthier! |
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sarum
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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I appreciate the point about legal advice but I'm trying to keep this amicable. Just viewed a flat for £80K and she wants to move into it. I can easily afford it and gets her out of the home but gives the kids somewhere to visit. Its really hard staying in the family home with someone that has rejected me so I'm keen she moves out ASAP. I'm not moving out, I've worked hard for my home and I get to spend every night with the kids. I think I need to investigate mediation and putting in place a separation agreement. |
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ascatfish
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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If you are staying the FMH,Sarum I would definitely suggest re-decorating. Stupid as it sounds it gives you a fresh start, removes some memories AND keeps you busy and active and moving forward. {{{{Hugs}}}} We all know what you are going trhough because we have been there. and an extra hug for having an autistic daughter - I have a son with a disability and I know this makes everything even harder xx | |
Young again
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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Hi (((((Sarum))))), I am very happy to see your blog and I hope it made you feel a bit better to share and also to vent some of the bewildered anger and stupefaction that you may be feeling. A problem shared is said to be a problem halved. I don't know if that is mathematically accurate but sharing certainly did help me. What you propose sounds an excellent solution. You are very lucky to be in the position of being able to have a home each and both near enough for each of you to take care of your children and have the ready opportunity of being fully involved in their lives. Some couples are forced to split and economic circumstance or malice means one parent hardly ever sees their kids. Such tragedies are endured in silent despair by honest and decent people whose sole fault appears to be that their love was not wanted and/or returned. You are so fortunate Sarum, you may not think that right now because you have been hit with this through no fault of your own. No, I do not equate watching porn 7 years ago with the end of a marriage now. If it really was such a big deal for you wife (and for some people it is) why didn't she raise a divorce/split/separation then? No, the porn is now being used as a desperate excuse in a search for some vestige of moral high ground. This is still going to be hard for the both of you and puzzling for your children, but children are very resilient, more than us adults think, and they'll be alright. There amy be 2 years of faffing about with legalities but if your wife can be sensible and keep the matter amicable as you appear to be then the two of you are likely to keep most of your assets and not have them wasted on solicitors and your children will be the winners - not the legal system. I sincerely hope it goes the least worst way for you, your wife and your children. (((((Sarum))))) All the best YA |
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caz2011
said:
| February 02, 2012 | ||
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i agree with everyone and you r a great father stay strong its a hard ride on the rollercoaster but we are all here for you x | |
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