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Jan 30
2012
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I recently read and replied to a thread on infidelity and commented on some of the 'reasons' (cough) it should read EXCUSES people give for behaving this way. I posted that I despised my stbx's behaviour and him because I couldn't separate the two. The behaviour (his affairs, lies, deception, selfishness) to me, defined and displayed his true character (who he really was, his values and morals). Some people hold the view that we shouldn't use labels and separate the behaviour from the person because it doesn't necessarily define a person's character. I believe this to be true if we are talking about a one off deal. For example, your partner gets totally smashed at a Christmas party - this does not make him/her an irresponsible, unreliable, drunk. You tell your partner that the roast was good even though it was a little dry - doesn't make you a liar. I know this is a simplistic view to a complex notion and my point is this - ONE bad choice/behaviour doesn't define one's character BUT if it's habitual and one continues with the behaviour then how can one separate the deed/s from the doer? Aren't we a reflection of what we believe, how we live by these principles (my stbx was a great example never practised what he preached) and ultimately our behaviour? Aren't these the things that mould and determine our true character?
Comments (5)
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Young again
said:
| January 31, 2012 | ||
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Hi freefalling, What we do is an indication of who we are. We are all human and therefore prone to making mistakes and behaving irrationally. For the lucky few these could be rare occurrences, for most of us though they can't be considered as unusual. I agree that ONE bad choice doesn't define character, neither does a string of bad luck, but it is what a person does afterwards that is a good pointer to character. The adulterer(ess) who blames the spouse for his(her) own acts of free will is making a mistake. If you make a choice you should stand and face the music with the same dignity and determination as with which you collected the rewards. An adulterer(ess) once is not necessarily one for ever. It is of course possible for people to get hooked on the buzz of short flings and one-night stands and this addiction then affects their core character. Even if you are agreeable to an 'open-marriage', I think such addicts are to be avoided because, as for any drug, the search for a higher and more intense buzz will continue. Good luck! YA |
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carlykav
said:
| January 31, 2012 | ||
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No I can't separate the two. He broke the family. He can live with it as he's playing part time happy families else where. His kids can only just about speak to him. Me I'm waiting for indifference, just wish it would hurry up and get here! |
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scaryclairie
said:
| January 31, 2012 | ||
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I can't seperate the two certainly. He is a liar and a cheat. Does it matter who he lies and cheats to? My stbx prides himself on integrity - and the fact he lied and cheated to his wife and kids? - well, in his opinion they are so low on his radar as not to matter - but not in my opinion (and hell it hurts so much) | |
Patrick1968
said:
| January 31, 2012 | ||
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Labels work because they are convinent. I like labels. A single action in most cases does not define you but if that single action goes unchecked it can become a behavior. My ex and her lover are liars - proved by there actions not once but on a number of occasions this defines them to me at least as untrustworthy. The question is can they trust each other? And why should I care? |
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Mitchum
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| January 31, 2012 | ||
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In my opinion... We each 'own' the deeds we perform and the things we say. The doer owns the deed; the ideas for the action germinate in their head and they carry them out. They are intertwined. The adulterous cheating behaviours; the off-loading of guilt onto the other spouse; the lies and deceit belong to the perpetrator. They cannot be seperated. If the good things we do in life mark us out as kind,loving, caring and generous,it follows that the lying and cheating behaviours associated with adultery and divorce identify with the person too and define them accordingly. They know that and that's why so many don't wish to acknowledge the guilt. |
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