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Jan 18
2012
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I think it was Patrick that said that I'm not ok since I am thinking about this 24/7. He's right. I keep saying to myself that I am doing fine. Especially watching my wife self destruct, I am doing way better than that. However, I am really not ok. I thought I had a good marriage and it has been ripped away from me. I thought I would be with my wife forever and that is gone. I thought I could count on her and she folded - big time. So when will I be ok? Not for a while, I guess. My aunt called tonight and we had a nice chat. She's been divorced and went through cancer and I love her thoroughly. We have quite a bit in common and it was so nice to get that call. It almost brought me to tears. There are so many people that care about me and that helps but I am still not ok.
My wife went on a text rampage with me today and was so mean. calling me passive aggressive and throwing subtle threats around. I don't escalate these things. But it is so tough to take the high road. Her reality is so different than mine. Believe me, I just want to say screw her. But I need to have decent relations with her for the next 10 years or so as my youngest is 8. I can see why some men just walk away from everything including their kids. I wlll not do that. My kids need me in their lives and I will be there for them. She does not make it easy though...
Comments (14)
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scaryclairie
said:
| January 19, 2012 | ||
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Dear Chanuck Of course you are not ok. You are reeling from shock. It's sort of cliched support but it's a good place to start. - Look up the stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. They apply to the death of a relationship as well as death. In a way it is a simplistic formula - but it's a start. What you have been describing are shock and denial. The tricky thing is that you can go from one stage to another and back and also - knowing what is happening does not take away the pain. Having said that - it does stop you thinking that these huge emotional swings mean you are mad - permanantly unstable - (just a little rocky for a while) and it shows you are definitely not alone. In fact one of the amazing things is the similarity between us. Take good care. It may be one of the hardest things you have dealt with. I'm glad you had your Aunt to talk to. I wish we all had an Aunt like her! |
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scaryclairie
said:
| January 19, 2012 | ||
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Just following on from how similar we can be. A couple of things. There is often a pattern to the leavers behaviour - often where they try to blame it on us - it becomes reassuring to see that for what it is - rather than that every wrong in life can be laid at our door. But often - reading the blogs and forums here on wiki - you can think - wow that is exactly how I am feeling or what I am feeling - but I didn't realise it - and then that clarification and identification of our feelings lets us work on that little glitch. The brain seems to chunter away on it's own working out how to deal with all the changes we are forced to accept - and then when it needs your attention that's when you are apt to have a little emotional melt down - and then you go back to 'normal' The grief comes in waves - learn to ride the waves - they will pass. (And boy can I talk the talk - but walking it - I'm not so sure I'm so good at that.!) Take care |
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Mitchum
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| January 19, 2012 | ||
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LOL SC! You're doing a brilliant job of talking and walking! Just to add Canuck, I really doubt that we will ever be the same again, we're changed for ever. What we have to do is to keep finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I used think my life is over without him, but in fact life isn't over, it's changed and for you young'uns this is just a new beginning for you. Stay strong and focused. Thinking of you. |
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pixy
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| January 19, 2012 | ||
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Of course you are not ok. How could you be? Only a person with shallow emotions or perhaps a robot would be ok after being dumped on like this. Yes, you have to try to stay on something approaching amicable terms with your wife for the sake of the children (even if you end up with them living with you, which doesn't seem to have crossed your mind as a possibility). That does not mean you have to take her cr*p. Try to keep your communications to a minimum and make them as businessliken as you can. 'I don't want to discuss this right now' is a useful response when she starts on the accusations/threats. | |
debbiedoodaa
said:
| January 19, 2012 | ||
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some good advice above  . I also wonder if communications may work for you if they are written down in a letter. Emotions are not shown so much and seeing things written down in black and white can get your viewpoint across and also gives you a chance to think about what you are saying. I tried this when every conversation seemed to break down into a screaming match. It is more formal but gives the other person time to digest what is written and also could count as evidence in any pediation or other disagreements. A calm controlled voice is easier said than done but would also work wonders if you can manage it |
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Patrick1968
said:
| January 19, 2012 | ||
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Well done matey. You ex will kick off becuase YOUR not playing HER game. Don't take the moral high ground or at least not with her, stay calm think practically don't give any ground unless it benefits YOU . Remember her reality is different from yours. The analogy is you've been playing volley ball and stuck by those rules but shes been playing water polo - different rules different game. The other thing that I thought of last night as I was digging a lime pit for my ex was that you are playing catch up....she's further down the program than you so IF she did any grieving for your relationship she did it a while ago....sounds like she's in the anger/petchulant phase. And you won't be one of those fathers who bails, your too smart for that. |
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ascotiel
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| January 19, 2012 | ||
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Agree with all advice above, I;d also NOT reply to any of her texts - she;ll get bored sending a barage of accusationary texts if there is absolutely no reply. Only reply for the practical stuff, meet all the petulance with silence (and save your text allowance on someone not worth it. LOL) She seems to me that she is regretting her decision to walk away and is throwing her toys out of the pram because there are consequences to her behaviour which she won't or can;t accept. You deserve someone who loves you wholeheartedly and not someone who walks away when the going gets tough | |
jjones123
said:
| January 19, 2012 | ||
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One thing that I have heard is that we train those who we have to communicate with, so that they communicate with us in a way that is acceptable. It took me a while to learn a simple lesson that we have a choice as to whether we reply or talk to our ex's. After being sent an abusive or shouty txt or email, we can either send back a reply, or simply choose not reply, or say something akin to, 'we can discuss this but not in this way'. It's not about being manipulative, it's about being treated with respect. When you're called a whole range of different stupid things, rather than accepting them on face value step back and think to yourself, 'if I'm really this monster, then why did you choose to marry me?' All their rants eventually collapse in the face of scrutiny. |
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Patrick1968
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| January 19, 2012 | ||
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Spot on JJ. They meet someone else who offers them something different to what they have and they opt to pursue this, I would in most cases for something not that much different to what they had. I've just been looking at some old email exchanges and have spent a lot of time thinking about people who have made that transition to the next part of thier lives. They have reached that part of thier lives with their ex's where they are OK with them or just don't care about them. Its obvious that I'm hurt,angry and bitter becuase I have lost everything but as time goes by would I want any sort of relationship with my ex-wife? (other than as my wife) and the answer is no. If I'm good enough to father my children but not good enough to be your husband, to be swapped for some gimp you see once a month at work do's you can Foxtrot Oscar. And yes that is self righteous and angry but thats the nature of this board, it isn't about redemption is about the journey, through the pain together... | |
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