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Jan 17
2012
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As this is my first blog entry, I thought I'd start with a little summary of my current situation: I'm still with my wife ("with" in the broadest possible sense) but she has declared that she is no longer attracted to me and essentially wants a trial separation. That's pretty much the crux of it.
I've been feeling a bit low this week, after a relatively positive one last week, which coincided with me joining wikivorce (lots of positive vibes about). I'm not totally sure why, but it might be something to do with my heart being ripped out and fed to me for dinner!!
My wife has now decided that she is willing to go to counselling (after previously dismissing it as pointless), but she wants to go on her on. It's this Friday and I'm really not getting my hopes up that she'll have any kind of revelation either way. In the back of my mind I think that whatever comes out of it will help me to make a decision about my own future, even though I'll not be there.
I'm quite anxious about the "trial" separation, as I have read that the vast majority of them just lead to divorce anyway. I think I'm maybe not prepared for me to change my outlook, even though the time apart probably will force me to take a long hard look at myself. Every sensible brain cell in my head tells me that I should just grasp the opportunity to start afresh as I don't deserve the hurt and awful treatment I'm getting. Having said that, my, less than sensible, heart is telling me that it would be rash to throw away all the years we've spent together (8.5 married and 11+ in total).
I'm not sure who to credit but I recently read a quote that said, "Sometimes, when you give up on someone, it’s not because you don’t care anymore, but because you realize they don’t." That has been rattling around my head for the past while, and I think it's getting near the time to realise that it's time.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, it's been therapeutic for me so expect more of my ramblings over the next while!
Steven
Comments (10)
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Canuck425
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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Well welcome, too bad you're here with us. You're early in this journey so take a deep breath. The common threads are amazing. Not attracted anymore, I've heard that! Are you sure there is not another man in the picture? Would it matter to you if there was? I think her going to counseling alone is a great idea. I don't think there is any point at all in marriage counseling if both parties are not committed to making the marriage work. She is confused, she needs to figure herself out. Give her that time and space. Take the time to figure yourself out too. Maybe you'll want out of the marriage. Maybe you'll want to try hard to save it. Accept that at this point you don't know what will happen. No one does. Take good care of yourself. Right now, she is only thinking of herself and her needs. |
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lovestinks
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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Sorry you find yourself here, but great place for support in situations such as yours. Haven't got any wise words, just to say look after yourself and cut yourself one helluva lot of slack at this point in your life. Take care, LS x |
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Mitchum
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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This is the worst time, when you feel that awful pain in your chest and panic in your heart. This is probably the hardest thing you've ever had to face and you have to dig deep and think of - Steven. You need to shift into damage limitation mode. Would you not see a counsellor too? We'll be here for you,don't underestimate the value of virtual wikifriends, but talking it over with my counsellor each week helped to make sense of the scenario playing out in my life. Hope you have real friends and family to support you at home. Glad you've decided to blog because it helps to set it down and people will respond and help you through this. Take care of yourself. Mitchum xx |
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steveng
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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Thanks for the kind words, as usual. I actually would be willing to visit a counsellor myself. In fact, it was only because my wife decided to go to one that I put it on hold. I suppose I want to wait and see how she gets on on Friday first. As Cannuck says, she may be confused and doesn't really know what she wants. In fact, she has, in the past, suffered from some depression, but I daren't suggest it's anything to do with that! I find it difficult to just switch off and play the waiting game, especially on days when things are particularly frosty between us. Steven |
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Patrick1968
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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Sounds like the exact same ground zero I started from. Good luck, read others blogs. Take it a day at a time. For what its worth mine started with 'I'm no longer attracted to you and am not in love with you'. What she meant to say was, 'I'm having an affair and want it all my own way'. | |
scaryclairie
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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Yep - mine said what Patrick's said. I would see a counselor if you can afford it - it will give you time and space to work out what you want - and where your line in the sand is. You may not achieve what you want but if you understand your needs, values, and the losses you may have to bare and how and why that will affect you - you will at least feel you have bearings. | |
ascotiel
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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The important thing now is to not beg or plead with her - switch to looking after yourself. If you think you need counselling then get it, it will almost certainly help you sort through your feelings re whether to work on it or indeed if there is anything to work on. Hugs anyway because this is a horrible place to be as we all know | |
steveng
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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I find it remarkable that there are so many people with similar stories and they mostly play out the same way, i.e. "I'm not attracted to you anymore" turning out to mean, "I'm having an affair." Hindsight's obviously a great thing, but perhaps if I'd realised this and spotted the signs I could have saved myself a couple of months of pain? Ah well, that which doesn't kill you, etc... Steven |
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Patrick1968
said:
| January 18, 2012 | ||
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It mught make you stronger but not straight away. Prepare for a sh8tstorm and you won't be disappointed. | |
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