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Jan 16
2012
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Yesterday Mitchum asked a few good questions. Also, there were some comments on one of the forums about feeling guilty. This all has me thinking.
My wife has been so unhappy for so long that I always had no idea what to do about it. I tried so hard to make her happy and have only just realised that it was never my responsibility. Now I know that happiness has to come from within - truly.
I think her affair was a cry for help. Not a cry to me, mind you, but a cry to herself. She did something that was so surprising to herself that her whole world is shaken up. Before, she felt like there was no chance for happiness now anything is possible.
I don't think she has ever been happy in her entire life. In the 17 years I have known her, we have had some great times. But was she ever happy - I don't think so. I don't really want to get divorced but the marriage we had is over. I don't want it back. I thought it was good enough for me but I was wrong. I want to be adored and she never did that. Now, could we build something new and amazing? Maybe, but I am so skeptical. She says she is open to me romancing her but I am not ready for that.
I will wait for a bit. I will not move too fast. I would love for her to become more stable and happy.
I understand when people talk about feeling guilty. I feel like if I divorced her right now that she is in such an awful place it would not be fair. So many people would just say screw her. After what she did to me why am I even thinking about her needs? Well - she's the mother of my three kids and I need her to be well. I will always care about her and I am not happy to see her in this much pain.
I know I will come through this just fine. Emotionally, physically and financially. I am not sure at all about my wife and I really worry about that.
In so many of the tales I read here I can see why women start to wonder if there are any good men out there. There are. I am one of them.
Comments (9)
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ascotiel
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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You are right Canuck we all have a right to be adored in our marriage. You can;t make her happy - she has to learn it for herself and only then can she make herself happy within a relationship xx | |
pixy
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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She had an affair and expects YOU to romance HER? What planet is she on? What is she prepared to do to win you back? | |
Dazed
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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Completely agree with Pixy. Your wife should be the one begging for forgiveness & throwing herself at your mercy - literally. You didn't have the affair after all. Where is her sense of responsibility? Perhaps she still feels like she hasn't done anything wrong. It reminds me of my ex... he had the affair & then it felt like I had to pitch myself to him as a better bet than the ow. I was speechless & at that point, I knew it was all over. | |
Patrick1968
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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Cannuck - NO F Way. The answer is that simple. If she's never been happy in her life up to this point what can you do to change that and at what cost to YOU. Ring the guy she was having an affair with, do you think she was unhappy with him and if she was why was she upset when it ended. She is the mother of your children and your there father. What sort of father will you be if you get back with her ? Becuase my friend you'll always be thinking about what she is thinking...and doing....when the axe falls again. And your not doing OK becuase your thinking about this 24/7. And finally whats is fair about this...what about YOU?? | |
scaryclairie
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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I must admit I am rarely speechless on line or in real life - but I left your blog unanswered this morning because I thought I must be missing something. The others have really said what I wanted to. She has had an affair and never been happy - but it is up to you to romance her....and she thinks this will make her happy (has she even thought about you and the kids?). Romance is lovely - and has a place in real life - but it is a fraction of a real relationship, along with honesty, truth, hard work, laughter, fidelity, common goals and integrity. I think perhaps she thinks life is a bit like a chit flick - no, if you are lucky - it is a real mix of every genre of movie - including psychological thriller and disaster movie - but also comedy, and costume drama - OK I'm getting a little carried away here - not much of the costume drama about life - but those before me are right. so, please ask yourself if this was happening to you best friend - or a colleague - what would you tell them to do? When answering - take into account your long term welfare as well as your childrens. Not just hers. She really has already made the dcision to paddle her own canoe. She'll have to deal with the rough waters on her own now. How could you ever trust her again. (And I took mine back twice - I speak from experience not wisdom!) | |
jjones123
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| January 17, 2012 | ||
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I don't think my ex was a happy person either: every two or so years she changed jobs, hoping that the next job would be 'the one', when the job wasn't the solution, then I was the next obvious source of her misery. This was flawed thinking: it was all within her head. I've also come to see my ex as someone who was always a 'taker', and I was the one who was always doing the 'giving'. Our philosophies were very different: my was out for what she could get out of life (status, house, job), whereas my own philosophy was about how much I could put into it. Giving to others was something that made me happy. In my own case it was: give give give, and I hardly go anything back in return, but I accepted that since I was able to generate my own happiness. I now know that I deserve a whole lot better but I didn't at the time. I have no idea whether I'll find anyone else, but there are people out there who are a whole lot more generous than my ex ever was. My ex, on the hand, may well continue to battle on with her view of the world. Your sentence about her wanting you to romance her shrieks like someone who has a similar world view: everything is about what SHE wants. In my short divorce journey I've quickly discovered that people vary hugely in terms of how they empathise with others. Some people just can't do it, or just don't want to - and that is sad, for them, since they miss out on a huge aspect of life. |
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pixy
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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This is just another manifestation of offloading guilt - telling you that what has happened is your fault not hers, so you have to put it right and she is absolved from all responsibility. | |
jjones123
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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Sorry to go on, but there was something else that you wrote... You say that divorcing her at this point wouldn't be fair. I say that her having an affair and leaving you on your own to deal with one of the hardest things anyone can ever deal with isn't fair either. | |
patti.p
said:
| January 17, 2012 | ||
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Canuck, Not really much else to add, except for the point where you said that you don't want your marriage back. Thats very important and I hope you know that, even if you both completely changed, you will never get it back to what it was, or what you thought it was. Some people, as JJ said, are givers, some are takers. To me, I may be oversimplifying, but if you are an adult, you should understand which of those you are. You either know that you have to generate your own happiness, or you blame others, never take responsibility, & prob will never be happy. When my stbx cheated on me, I went against EVERY fiber in my being to forgive him. I knew statistically that most cheaters cheat again and again. But I am a giver, I gave up my ideals thiking that would make him happy. What did he do? Blame me, as I hadnt given "enough" to him. He, like your wife, wanted romance, to be treated better then he had ever treated me. Eventually he cheated again, this time blaming me again. He is and was a taker - something that your wife sounds like. SHE should be the one, imho, crawling on bended knee to you, letting you see all her phone texts, her emails, her diary. Nothing else would be good enough. I am a firm believer that because she knows you are a "good guy" she is playing on this. My stbx knew that my capacity for being nice, kind, forgiving surpassed him & he used that. I cant imagine how difficult it is, as you need to think about your kids. But ... as a child whose parents stayed unhappy & together because of ME, I will say - they will get through it, knowing that both parents love THEM but not each other. I wished my folks had divorced as most of my memories involve me listening to them fight! Having to constantly look over your shoulder or worry if your partner will do it again - would that be fair to them to carry that stress? She is guilty & saying what YOU need to do wont stop her doing what she WANTS. She has made her bed, she needs to lie in it. She needs to learn that she is responsible for HER choices, good and bad. Maybe you letting her suffer the consequesnces would be a wake up call to her. I think you deserve better. |
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