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Jan 11
2012
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My wife and I have been married 15 years but she has not been happy in years. She has trouble finding any joy in her life and it has been a problem.
In May 2011 she started an emotional affair and tried to fight the strong feelings she was having. She made me aware of this and I tried to deal with it but I was in shock.
In June I was diagnosed with a rare form of salivary gland cancer and had surgery. Radiation treatment started in July and went through to the end of August 2011. To say she completely abandonded me during cancer treatment does not even come close to describing the situation. I had lots of support in this time but not from her.
It was during the cancer treatment that the emotional affair really took off. Her boyfriend was a 2.5 hour flight away so they could not see each other often.
Once I was strong enough out of cancer treatment we separated and then the affair turned sexual. Her first weekend without the kids (we have three ages 13, 11, 8) she was off to see her man.
Through the affair there was much abuse hurled at me. It's all your fault, I hate you, You're too skinny; too boring; too frugal; blah, blah, blah. I've done enough reading to know that this is normal and she is trying to justify her outrageous behaviour to herself. It felt like verbal abuse at the time and looking back on it I am sure it was. Remember that this abuse happened WHILE I was in daily radiation therapy which was truly awful.
Over Christmas, her lover's wife found out about the affair and hit the roof. This caused my wife's lover to backtrack and try to save his marriage. He dumped my wife and now she is a wreck. She is crying often, not sleeping well (so she tells me), looks like crap.
So, the affair is over. She has told me that she didn't consider this an afair since, in her mind, she was going to leave the marriage and never come back. Now, she doesn't know what to do. She is so angry at me it is remarkable. I have to keep my relationship with her amicable as she is the mother of my children and I will be in their lives forever.
I have been through so many emotions and continue to do so. A lot of anger, very sad, a little scared, etc. However, I have great support and I know I will be just fine. Going through cancer treatment showed me just how strong I am. I can get through the affair stuff too and emerge physically and emotionally stronger. I have no doubt of this. I am so angry though, for her to do this while I was in cancer treatment was truly awful. I have learned useful ways to deal with my anger.
I have read a ton of books on affairs and gotten support from friends, work colleagues and some family.
We are separated but need to talk daily about the kids and various other items. She has let me know that if I am interested in reconciliaiton then I need to romance her and sweep her off her feet. The problem is that I do not want to.
I am trying to figure out what I want. Deep down I know that I am better off without her. I figure I should take some time for myself and focus on the kids. But I wonder if I do not really try to reconcile will I regret it. Should I throw everything I have at trying to make my marriage awesome? I think, right now, it's up to me. I need to take the first small step in that direction. We have lots of problems for sure, I wonder if we can get through them...
By the way, I had my CAT scan just before Christmas and I am now cancer free!
Comments (11)
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scaryclairie
said:
| January 12, 2012 | ||
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Delighted your CAT scan come up so well. A couple of thoughts 1. Has your wife sought treatment for her inability to find joy in her life? Her behaviour sounds as if it is bordering on the bi-polar oe depression etc and she could perhaps get treatment. I am no medical professional. 2. Could you ever trust her again - in my experience - and from reading on wiki - once someone has justified to themselves that it is accpetable to have an affair once, it is easier (like many crimes) to do it again. Many of us have taken the partner back to save the marriage/family - only to be cheated upon again - this is probably not want you want to hear, and of course there are no hard and fast rules. Your wife has done what she thought best for her - however it worked out - regardless of you and the children. I think you need to focus on you and the children only. I wish you very well. You have had a horrible time. |
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killbill
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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Oh dear, you have had an awful time, but I am with scaryclarie, I gave mine a second chance after I even told him to really make sure what he wanted out of life, as he pleaded with me to take him back...Only went off and did it again... To not have support from your partner when you need it the most is in my book truly awful, and you've already said how strong you know you are. I actually tried to reconcile the first time,as I believed that everyone deserved a second chance...Do you know what? I certainly regret that! |
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Patrick1968
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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You my friend have had it bad. Does she wants reconcillation because her lover has binned her and she wants her old life back or does she want you back. To be honest sounds like she wants her life back, the question do you and at the moment if it goes wrong are you strong enough to go through this again the answer is probably not. There is an expression, 'you can't polish a turd'...harsh but I think its true. Its about whats best for your children, and what best for you...and maybe what she will do to make it work. Long journey mate good luck... | |
Mitchum
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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I went through all kinds of possible responses to your blog as I was reading it. It beggars belief that someone would treat a sick person like that. I also sense that you've come a long way already to accepting that it's over. The last sentence summed it all up really. You've come through cancer and all the treatment whilst taking the abuse from your wife. You now have the chance of a new beginning, so make the most of it. You might show her some of the compassion she ought to have shown you, by suggesting counselling to help her deal with the situation she now finds herself in. Concentrate on yourself and the children now. Best wishes. |
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pixy
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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Well double empathy from me, mine was also pursuing his affair whilst I was in treatment for cancer. The way I look at it is: 1. like other posters I forgave and took him back, but he did it again 2. having cancer is a big wake up call; I hope that like me you have a good chance of non return; maybe like me you are worried that if it does come back there will be no one to look after you; but the big message is that life is short and you need to look after yourself, to remove all sources of stress and to enjoy what is left in a positive manner 3. anyone who can continue to have an affair whilst you are gooing through debilitating treatent for a potentially life threatening disease is not worth worrying about. I am sure my stbx is in need of treatment for the unhappines and depressin that led him to have an affair inthe first place. But he won't admit it and in the end you have to face up to the fact that you can't fix someone else, only they can fix themselves. |
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ascotiel
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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You are a good person to even consider taking her back IMHo - She wasn;t there when you needed her and now her new life has fallen to pieces she sees you as her back up plan. Thing is, why should *you* romance *her* and sweep her off her feet. She abandoned you - if there is any romance/seducing to be done she should be the one to do it, and not lay it all on you. She doesnt sound very remorseful about what she has done tbh. There are some very good websites around about the real steps that need to be done before you can take back a wayward spouse, I read them,on some dark days, even though my ex hadnt asked to come back - they have a whole list of things the wayward spouse needs to do before they can come back if it is to be successful and they also state it will take between 2-5 years after the reconciliation before things are really good again. is this the type of time scale you wish to devote to this person? if so, then go for it and I wish you all the luck in the world xx | |
fatfred999
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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Inspiring stuff, canuck! I don't even know you but I find myself proud of you for the way you have coped with a year that would have finished may people off. My opinion, for what it is worth, is that you need to move on. How much more evidence do you need that she doesn't love you? Perhaps she isn't even capable of the kind of empathy that would allow her to feel for a seriously ill husband. She is probably a nice lady and all that but, really? Is she safe enough for you to give her your heart again? If you are worried about life after divorce, that is understandable. But it does happen and in many cases is even better. Someone like you deserves a loving and committed partner. |
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flowerofscotland
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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Canuck425, I have read many a tearful story on Wiki and your's has really left me reeling! I wish you all the very best of good health and happiness, especially that we now find ourselves into a New Year. There are 3 little words that spring to mind when I think of your STBX and they are 'Me, Myself, I'! Where was her compassion and loyalty to the father of her children during this extremely stressful and hard time that you were suffering? Regardless of how many times she says the word sorry to you, she does not deserve a second chance. I am sorry that you have had to have this happen to you, but as the other's have said you have the chance to make your future count for something and that is your happiness as well as your children's. The best advice you will get on Wiki is to go out and live the best life that you possibly can! Leave her to lie in that bed that she has made for herself. She should hang her head in shame! Take care for now and the very best of luck. FoS x |
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jjones123
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| January 12, 2012 | ||
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One thing that your blog post says to me is that you're a really strong bloke for a whole raft of reasons. Firstly, having to live with someone who by the sounds of it is not happy within their own skin (and might never be). Secondly, for finding the different mechanisms of support which you needed. Thirdly (there are others), that you have the insight to see what your ex has presented to you has been nonsense. 'You're too skinny?' That's nonsense. If you weren't skinny, then you'll get accused of being too fat! All that nonsense is about her (as you well know), and not about you in the slightest. Your post did send a shiver down my spine, of recognition. My ex forbade me from returning to my own home to recover following an operation. What kind of nutcase does that?!? The answer is: someone who is so happy within themselves to loose their own sense of integrity and perspective. You say that your wife has not been happy in years, but perhaps this means that you have been? This might mean that you're able to generate your own happiness irrespective of the situation that you're faced with. Ultimately, you deserve to be treated so much better than you have been. Finding a new way of living is tough, but it's within all of our abilities to do just that. |
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jjones123
said:
| January 12, 2012 | ||
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Correction: 'unhappy within themselves to loose...' whoops! My brain too fast for my fingers. | |
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