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Dec 03
2011
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What still amazes me, and I am sure so many of my Wiki friends out there, is the clear denial and arrogance of the adulterer!
I had to spend a very painful hour recently in the presence of my STBX, during which was to be our very first and last mediation appointment, nearly a year and a half on from the date of official separation. The one and only time, other than the Court room, that I have had to endure being in his presence, since D-Day, the day that I caught him and OW NO 1 together. He of course is on to OW NO 2! Well what's in a number!
It was tough, but not half as bad as it would have been say a year ago. I realised that this man is in complete denial and that he has laid all blame for his behaviours at my door! He is so arrogant, and has never once taken any responsibility for his actions and choices, which is why we are where we are today.
Like I have said before, after the shock of the first nine months, and I was in shock, suffering from post traumatic stress, I spent a lot of sleepless nights trying to identify through reading (Peck, Norwood etc) and counselling, what I had done to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage. Like so many wives or husbands who have been 'left', it is far too easy for us to 'accept' that it is all our fault, whilst the offending parties go in search of their nirvana's, acting as if they have not created any mayhem or chaos in what is their families.
I am the first to admit that I am not blameless in the cracks that appeared during my own marriage, and I can see where I went wrong, but even if I had tried to stop or change things before we had split, his unwillingness to contribute to our marriage, other than his pay packet at the end of the month, we would have still, in one way or another, ended up where we are. I can see that now, as I know he should have never got married, he was just not the marrying type.
He is a drifter, going from place to place.........he would have ended up in the divorce courts with whoever he married, not necessarily just me. It takes two to work at a marriage and when one side takes you for granted, which in my case, my STBX did, the other party starts to get frustrated and deals with things, not necessarily in the right way. When communication stops that is when the trouble starts. As much as I did love him, during all our years together, I can see that we were poles apart in what we both wanted out of life.
During the mediation, and please do not get me wrong, I think that for some families and individuals, mediation is the way to go, but not for us. He used it to vent his frustrations with clear and apparent venom towards the legal system. He used it to make me out to be this woman who has 'poisoned' his children against him. He could not be further from the truth if he tried! He would not admit that his actions and 'me, myself attitude', may just have had an knock on affect on how the children now see him. I want him in the lives of the children, of course I do, he is their father, but I will not be blamed any more for his failings, absolutely no way. He just made a mockery of what could have helped us resolve some issues for years to come. He just still thinks everything should be his way or no way at all. He is clearly angry that I have a 'voice' through my Solicitor who is doing everything for the children and I to be heard and to fight for a fair split! He does not like it, because he can no longer control me, influence me or bully me! It was written all over his face just how much he hates me
I tried, I really tried, but when someone thinks that the whole world is wrong and that they are right, it really is like hitting your head against a brick wall. And you know, he has never ever said he was sorry, sorry for what he has done and most of all for breaking my heart. He could not look at me in the eye, yet I did hold my head up and look at him, I have done nothing over the years other than too much for the man that used me as a doormat! My own fault, I know.
Someone once said to me, that his arrogance will be his downfall. I am in no doubt that this is the case now. He will end up a lonely, old man and for that reason I do pity him in years to come!
Right now, things have not moved on financially, but I know I am now in a much better place to deal with them when they eventually do. It just takes time......
So a word of hope for all newbies out there, if your separation or divorce is acrimonious, like mine , then please do not give up. With time you will be in a better place to deal with things, but it does just take that...time. The more amicable you can be, it will leave you in a much healthier state.
Maybe it is true..." what doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger". I certainly was far stronger than I thought I could ever be by facing up to the STBX who never did deserve me!
Take care for now all good people of Wiki and have a peaceful weekend. FoS x
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jjones123
said:
| December 03, 2011 | ||
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A very thoughtful, and thought provoking blog. A lot of what you have written certainly resonates with me. I think my first blog here asks the question of 'where's the apology for all the stuff that has been done to me?' I've come to accept that one is never going to be forthcoming, but you get to this point where one, even if it was offered, won't make any different anyway. I've been reading Peck after Sair's recommendation, and although I don't agree with some bits of it (I think there's a quite a lot of simplification going on), I do relate to his personality disorder vs neurotic distinction, i.e. the take that some people thing that things happen because the world is 'wrong', and that it's always other people's fault, never theirs. I would much rather be a person who has the ability to empathise with others as opposed to being someone who is continually upset (and angered by) things that happen as a consequence of my own actions, and then blame other people as a result. This was, one has the ability to reflect on what has happened and grow as a result. Another take on 'denial' is that acknowledging what they have done would be painful for them (since it would fracture their world view of who they are). This is another reason why we will eventually pity them: we know the truth, whereas they may never. I totally get what you say about communication too. I thought of blaming myself for perhaps not communicating enough, but looking back, there were so many times when I tried to talk about stuff, but opportunities for discussion was shut down. You're also right: it is easy to fall into the trap into thinking that things are all our own fault. It's almost as if we've been thrown into a dark valley, and we've got to climb out again. And when we do, we can more easily see things for how they really are. It sounds like you're making really good progress, flower. Best, JJ |
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jaymdee
said:
| December 03, 2011 | ||
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I think eventually he will say sorry, but it could take years before he can admit to himself let alone anyone else, his role in the split from his family. I am glad you have come to terms with your role and realised that there was nothing you could do really to prevent this sitution but you will have learnt from the mistakes that were made and this will help you move on. |
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robinson25
said:
| December 03, 2011 | ||
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Hi i went for mediation about 4 months after we split and felt exactly the same. my x was very arrogant, he could not look me in the eye. i tried to be strong but found it hard because i genuinely still loved him. he sat and talked about how him and ow would be renting somewhere together, that was dec 09 and it still hasnt happened! I eventually did get a sorry but it was about a year after that meeting. he still appears to be guilt free esp about the kids and what they have been through. he is not here so turns a blind eye as if things are not happening. he will be alonely old man one day as he gave up everything to be with ow and it looks like she doesnt want him, not full time anyway! | |
Shoegirl
said:
| December 04, 2011 | ||
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Flower there is so much strength radiating out of your blog. You have come a long way. As we know the projection and scapegoating that these types of people radiate is simply toxic. You are doing a marvellous job of letting all of his rubbish bounce off you and not taking any responsibility for his failings. They are his alone. i dont think you are a door mat at all. You are capable of unconditional selfless love and commitment and he was unable to return that to you. You are far more emotionally stronger than he will ever be. I dont think these types experience guilt. If you project and blame others then these types think nothing is their fault and they have nothing to feel bad about. But running away from pain in this way is not a very good strategy for future long term happiness. Because OW 2,3, 4 or however many he works his way through, not one of them will ever take the pain away caused by who he is and what he has done. And that is what I think they look for in these new relationships. Stay strong flower. You are being the better person in all of this. His arrogance is a mask, he hides behind it. Alientating and blaming others rather than face his pain. This as you say will be the very thing that makes him a lonely bitter old man. |
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Hoping for better
said:
| December 04, 2011 | ||
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So much you say could be my story, my stbx did not leave for another woman, he left to 'find himself' though now he is with someone else. But he has treated me with anger and spite since he left - and I have no real idea why though I presume it is because I still exist, I have thoughts that differ from his, I am loved by the kids, and I see through his lies. The most upsetting thing is that because of his anger at me the divorce is taking longer than it needed to - and that means it is more upsetting and more expensive, both things that negatively impact on the kids. |
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