My Story....warts and all!

I'm not really sure how I found myself in this position, nor am I sure of what exactly to write or how to structure my story. One thing I know is that everything I put into this story will be honest and accurate according to the best of my knowledge. I was married for 15 years and my divorce was finalised in January of this year.

I first met my ex-wife when I was 18 years old and she was 16. I was going out with a friend of hers but when she walked into the pub where we were on night I thought 'Wow!'. I thought she was gorgeous. We became good friends and were very close but the relationship was purely platonic. We were so close that a lot of people thought there was something going on between us but it wasn't the case.

Two years later me and 'J' as I shall refer to her were in a pub one night having a drink and a chat. She mentioned during conversation that she had never received flowers from any previous boyfriends. She then went to the ladies room. A woman then entered the bar selling single red roses. I bought one and gave to J when she returned. We kissed and that was the start. I thought my heart would burst!!

Three months later I proposed and J accepted. I started trying to save money to buy a house, but thought it best if we lived together first. We rented a flat for 6 months and that was a great time. All the time thinking of buying our own home and working towards it.

Six months later we moved into our own house. It needed a bit of tidying up but we made it comfotable although with me paying almost all the bills and J paying for the shopping there was little money left for luxuries. I worked nights and this took me away from home. I know J wasn't happy but I thought she knew why I was doing it.

In July of the following year we were married in church. It was a day I shall never forget. J looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her. We honeymooned in Italy.

Our marriage was great most of the time but unfortunately I have a bad temper. There are certain things that will make me irritable and bad tempered such as tiredness, having things repeated to me over and over until I do it, but the biggest one for me was sulking. J was good at sulking. She had this habit of giving the silent treatment and sulking if things didn't go her way. I usually ended up giving in for the sake of a quiet life. It wasn't always like this though.

One night we had a big row and a grabbed her she fell to the floor and got up and ran out of the house. I had felt quite down lately (more of this later) and I became very upset at how I had treated her. I thought I had lost her. I ended up cutting my wrists with a kitchen knife. J came home and found me passed out on the kitchen floor. I was taken to hospital and had my wrists sewn up. I've never tried to do anything like that since.....it's not worth it.

I felt depressed for days and bitterly regretted everything that had happened but it was never mentioned again.

Moving on 18 months and my career was starting to take off. Promotion was on the cards and I was working hard to achieve my ambitions. I never really noticed much that J wasn't happy. I still worked nights and still had to travel away from home. J had this 'friend' called 'T' who for some reason I never liked. She seemed to full of herself. However J and T got on fine. There was still little extra money for nights out or luxuries but we got by. Every night before going off to work I always made a point of kissing J and telling her that I loved her but two nights she sat in stony silence and did not respond. I was feeling guilty because of my work and this making me feel worse.

One weekend J and T went away for the weekend. I was not particularly happy but said nothing and hoped she had a good time. She had a good time alright. She came home and confessed (which I'm sure wasn't easy!) that she had been making out with another man. I was so angry. I felt guilty that my job had led her to do this, I blamed myself, but I forgave her. I told her I did not want it mentioned again.

I went to work that night and cried until I was physically sick. Every time I thought about it I was sick and upset. J knew it was upsetting me and wanted to talk about it. I kept telling her I didn't want to but the subject kept coming up.

On J's birthday, 6 weeks after the 'weekend incident' we went out. There was a group of us. J mentioned the 'weekend incident' again before we had even gone out. I said nothing but was seething inside. I had a few drinks too many and then something was said by 'J' which made me react angrily. I called her some terrible names and stormed out of the club.

I went home and trashed the house. I threw all of J's clothes out into the street and eventually she called her mother and told her what was happening. Her mother called the police and I was taken to the police station for the night. I was not arrested, just removed from the situation so as I could calm down. The police were very good to me.

I was quite prepared to end the marriage there and then. I went home from the police station. My Dad arrived. He had been told what had happened and took me home with him. I told my Dad the story. He was the only person I had told in all that time. When I told him I cracked up. I cried myself to sleep at his flat. I was worn out with it all and had had enough. However me and J talked on the phone. I went home, we made it up and it was never mentioned again. J gradually saw less of T as well which was a good result as far as I was concerned.

In 1997 our first child came along. She was (and still is) beautiful. I was determined to be the best Dad I could be. J then worked from home while I had to continue with the night work. It wasn't that I liked working nights, it was a case of having to.

One day my anger got the better of me again. When my daughter was about 18 months old J was complaining about me being in bed half the day (Be fair, I did work nights, lol!). This went on from the second I had got out of bed. All I wanted to do was wake myself up and have something to eat. J then accused me of not giving a damn and saying she would be better off as a single parent. What the hell did she think I was doing working every available hour for?I flipped and grabbed her and tried to hit her. That was disgusting. Even more so because she was holding our daughter at the time. I stormed out of the house, went to work.

In 2000 I stopped working nights. It meant a big drop in pay. I mentioned this to J who said we would manage. I would drop hints about needing help to pay bills but it was still left to me to pay them. There was never enough wage to cover everything. I came into some money the following year and I used some to reduce the mortgage on the house and spent some money on the place.

In 2001 we decided to try for another child. J was having trouble conceiving and this was stressing her and me but eventually in 2002 our son was born. Again I was looking for ways to earn extra money but was getting fed up and resentful that J was not listening to me when I was trying to say that I needed help. Mind you, maybe she didn't realise. It's never been easy for me to ask for help. I was seriously getting worried about money. Rather than ask J and end up in arguments I started using my credit card to pay for any extras needed....bad mistake. I started feeling resentful, angry, depressed and seriously worried. J also became less affectionate towards me and was constantly complaining about something I had or had not done. I started to feel inadequate as a father and a husband and the depression started to creep in again. I was blaming myself for not earning enough, for not having enough money, for anything that went wrong. I would have blamed myself for the Gulf War if I could.

In 2003 we went on a family holiday. Again I was the subject of more criticism from J. I walked off. I didn't really know what I was doing. It was like I was in a dream. I got on a train, went home. Then everything became too much for me. I could not cope any longer. I talked to my dad again and then the inevitable happened...I cracked. I was had a breakdown. Dad got me to the doctors and I was prescribed anti-depressants. (I have only recently stopped taking them.)

I moved out of the house to my mother's for a few weeks. I was on Prozac and needed a rest but my mother was on at me constantly. I had to get out. I didn't want to stay there anyway, I just wanted to feel better and be back with J and the kids. After much talking and visits to J and the kids I moved back in. Things were great for a while but as usual people get back into their old routines and the rot sets in again. Me woorying about money again, feeling depressed, J not understanding. I was tired depressed and worried. J was always tired as well because she was working hard. I was getting further into debt but still thinking I could handle it all on my own. Me and J were having less time for each other...there was little affection and warmth. The house was getting to feel like a battlefield every time I walked in. There was nowhere for me to relax. I started spending more and more time shut away on the computer. Spending money I didn't have on gambling sites to make me feel better. Looking at porn sites...(things weren't happening in the bedroom). I wanted to be at home but was wanting to be in my space as well because I couldn't cope. I was constantly angry and resentful with J. I was snappy with the kids because they wouldn't anything I asked them to. I was extremely stressed out. Every time we argued there was always the threat from J 'If you don't.....(do whatever.)...then we're finished. This would result in her getting her own way.There was the constant criticism of everything I did. The undermining of my place in the home. I felt trapped, cornered. No matter what I did or said I couldn't argue because there always the threat that she would leave with the kids.

One day we went out to a restaurant. We had ordered our food and were told we would have to wait for a while. After 45 minutes J asked me find out what the problem was. I went to find out. Whilst waiting in the queue of complaining customers she's telling me what I needed to say, like I do not know how to complain. We had a row and I stormed out of the restaurant. When J and the kids came back I was ignored. In fact I got the silent treatment from J for nearly 2 months!

Prior to this I had booked a holiday to a caravan park. The balance of the cost of the holiday needed to be paid. I left the invoice on the table saying that if we were going it needed to be paid. I got no response in realtion to this. I cancelled the holiday. It was either that or go in silence. Or even go on my own!

Me and J started talking again. She then announced that she was taking the kids abroad on holiday with her friend M and her son. I was gobsmacked. I had been struggling to pay bills, worrying myself sick about money and how things were going to be paid for and all the time J has got the money to take the kids abroad. I was sick but didn't want another row. I felt so browbeaten that I didn't have the energy to argue. They went on holiday and had a great time. I spent my two weeks off work at home alone. Believe me, this did not do my state of mind any good. I felt that my efforts to provide a holiday were belittled. I felt utterly worthless and unappreciated.

Around this time 2 of j's friends were going thru divorces and J was always talking about it. She made comments about marriage only being a piece of paper and similar comments. It got me thinking that maybe she had had enough. I think her friends were influencing her as well.

The end came in October 2006. J was feeling particularly stressed and tired. I had a hundred and one things I was trying to do. J wanted me to take the kids out and I wanted to get some things finished. I agreed to take them out but needed to finish what I was doing. I went to get myself a drink before taking the kids out. J then telling me that I was a lousy father and husband and that I good for nothing. I flipped and threw the drink down the kitchen. J then went for me and I grabbed her by the throat and held her against the wall. She had already scratched my face and I just wanted to restrain her and clam her down but I shouting loudly. The worse thing was our daughter came in and saw it. At that point J fell to the floor and started sobbing. She told me to get out. I stayed with a friend that night.

I went home the nxt day to find that I didn't have my keys. J answered the door and wasn't going to let me in. I pushed my way in and saw that she had packed my bags. I decided at that point that I wasn't going back. She told me to take my bag and go. I had been kicked out!I went to my mothers for a few days but she made it quite clear that she didn't want me there. (I love my Mum very much but I will never forgive that!)

I then went to stay with Dad. He did not have any room but I ended up staying for 9 months! Anyway, several weeks went by. I saw the kids each Saturday. it was, and still is very hard for me when I leave them home. J would never come to the door so there was no opportunity to talk to her. The kids told me that Mum didn't want me back. After 6 weeks I felt I had no option but to file for a divorce. It was probably the hardest decision of my life.

J never gave any indication at this point that it was something she did not want. She made no effort to want to talk things over. I ended up going to see her and telling her that as much as I loved her I couldn't live with her any more. I couldn't carry on as I was because everyone would ultimately suffer.

I lost two of my oldest friends at this time as well. You really get to know who your friends are when the chips are down. One of them thought he would try his luck with J as soon as I was out of the way. Thankfully she gave him short shrift! The other one... well, that's a different story.

Divorce proceedings started and God it was a stressful time. When it came to sorting out the financial affairs J was under the impression that I would walk away with nothing. She had obviously been ill-informed. Probably by the same friends who had recently divorced!

There was a lot of anger and bitterness thrughout the proceedings. Understandably J wanted to keep as much as she could and I wanted enough to start again. A settlement figure was eventually reached. I was reasonably happy with it but I don't think J ever will be even though the house is worth 7 times more than my settlement!!! Maybe one day she will see what a good deal she got!

Anyway the divorce was finalised in Janauary of this year. I have now been rehoused by the council because I can't afford to buy another place and I don't see why I should rent privately and pay some other bugger's mortgage for them. I have the kids stay over on ocassional weekends and still see them every Saturday. Things are a little more settled for me now, although I have to admit I haven't gotten over the gorgeous little blonde who I first saw all those years go. I often think about what the future holds for me.

I know that I won't remarry. I know that I cannot trust myself with the pressure of living with someone else. I know that it will take me a very long time to get over J. I will always have feelings for her because she is the mother of my kids, a bloody good mother at that! I know that I will find it hard when she finds a new man, which she will. She's a very attractive woman. I will find it hard because the kids will want to tell me about him and what he's like and that he is doing all the things with them during the week that I should have been doing.

I know that I will feel guilty for a long time over the way I treated J, even though there were times I was provoked beyond reason.

I know some other things as well though. I am not worthless, useless, hopeless or any of those other things I was made to feel. I know longer feel trapped and controlled, backed into a corner. For the first time in years I feel I can't do what I want and not have to worry about diapproving looks and comments from those who should have been offering encouragment and understanding.

I may not be with my kids 24 hours a day but I am there for them 24 hours a day. I will always be their Dad, just not a perfect one (whatever that is!).

The pain of separating hasn't really gone away. It was numbed by anger and bitterness for a long time. The pain is easing but is taking longer than I ever imagined. Maybe it will never go away. Who knows.

All I really want now more than anything is to work together with J to try and give the best to our kids. It won't be easy but we are tring to get along now. All I can do is to take it each day at a time. I may not have been the greatest father or husband, but I can try to be a better Dad to my kids and maybe a good friend to J. Time will tell.

Scooterboy