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Mar 25
2008
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Alone in the darkPosted by quiet_man in dealing with emotions |
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I always manage to stay quite positive in the daytime, especially when it's sunny and light. It's night time when all the negative thoughts come out and burrow their way into my brain. Lying alone in bed, with nobody to talk to, nobody to share the worry with, everything goes round and round, getting bigger and bigger, scarier and scarier, until I find myself in a place I don't want to be. That's when I have to decide between another night of insomnia or taking benzodiazepines and feeling like a zombie the following day.
To some extent I've always been like that. I've never slept well. Going away on business trips was exhausting because I was always so tired. But at least for 20 years I've had someone to come home to, someone to cuddle up with, and then I feel alright. It's not necessary to talk, or to have sex, it's just about the intimacy of knowing that the other person is there just for you, and being able to reach out and touch someone so you know you're not alone. That always made me feel better, and whatever crap was happening in my life, it could wait till the next day.
And now all that's gone. That's when I realise that however much of a brave face I put on things, that last line of support isn't there any more.
But hey, it's daylight now. I feel OK again.
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mike62
said:
| March 26, 2008 | ||
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Mongmong, Like yourself, I used to travel a lot with my job, and I absolutely know what you mean. Just to come home and say 'hi' to someone. Just to feel part. Sanctuary. Away from the 'business' image - no suit or tie. I'm guessing that this is fairly recent for you. It is hard to come to terms with. 13 months on I still haven't really got used to it. But I have accepted it. I try to make sure that I do not have too much time to sit and dwell, because it is so destructive. It does get easier though. And there is a new life to plan. One where you might meet someone else that will make you happy again. But it won't happen by accident. You have to want it to happen. But you won't want it to happen until you are ready. It is about finding the old you again. The you that can smile and laugh spontaniously. When you find that you, the opportunities are endless. Good luck, Mike |
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