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Mar 23
2008
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Contact with the children has resumed with my stbx and hence so has the emotional abuse. After a few weeks of feeling safe with who I am becoming my stbx it still seems has the ability to make me feel worthless.
At a time when I should be enjoying my children I feel like I felt all the times he told me I was nothing. That I was fat,( he frequently called me Bubbles with reference to the Little Britain character), that I wasn't a good wife or mother and constantly put me down.
This weekend has been hard, really hard. Emotionally I feeled drained, just when I thought I was able to deal with the way he had treated me all these years. I am now having to question the way I portray myself to others. Maybe I am niave and not sure how the real world functions.
Am I just craving attention? How do people on here really see me? Am I a credible person, who's opinion is worth listening to, or simply a silly, niave, over trusting girl who was stupid enough to have 5 children with a man who got a kick out of abusing the mother of his children?
My stbx continues to try and control my entire life. Where the children go, money, the divorce, right down to whether I have a new partner in my life. This weekend I have felt like crying all the time, just wanting to be on my own, away from family and friends but yet yearning to be held and told that I am worth something in life.
When you have lived in an abusive relationship for so long, it puts you on the defensive and you feel like everything people say is in some way going to have a bad effect on you, make your life even harder to cope with.
For so long, I have been deprived of love and affection; a kind word, a cuddle, a friendly face. I have now found that in life and I now fear that now the abuse is happening again from my stbx that my feelings of worthlessness are going to have a detrimental effect on my new relationship. We have to understand that our new partners love us for who we are not who the people our x partners would have us believe we were.
How is it that one man can have so much power over a woman without even laying a finger on her? You try to be strong; an outward persona to the outside world, but inside you are crumbling. You need to be strong for your children, because they are the innocents in all this. But who is strong for you? I have that person in my life and yet things all come out wrong. I am scared of losing the second most precious thing in my life after my children all because my stbx can still make me feel like crap; you go back to being on the defensive, trying to protect yourself from getting even more emotionally hurt & in the process hurt the one person who means so much to you.
I will speak to my solicitor tomorrow and things will be said, but it should not take the threat of prison or a hefty fine or both for my stbx to finally leave me alone. I am the mother of his 5 young children and he has to accept that I have a life away from him. He moved on the day he moved in with her and left his children behind and left me with a huge weight on my shoulders.
Tomorrow it will get easier, time will heal but at what cost?
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Angel557
said:
| March 24, 2008 | ||
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Dunno if prehaps you could get a 3rd party to do the handing over of the children as this seems to be the excuse to carry on his behaviour.would'nt say you nor i are naive just vunerable and prehaps at times a little too trusting.You had your name from him which is'nt nice and i was called olive oyl by him now get called the stick insect of an ex by her.I know i'm a nicer person than my ex will ever be he has the gift of the gab but it's an act no doudt your ex comes across that way too.Like you i have tried and tried to get on with things and i plod along then bang he does something and this is without me even having contact with him and he makes me feel like a piece of crap i tried to ignore but you know what it's like they use the most important things in the world against you the children.you having 5 children is because he loved the fact of you little wifey always at home and to be even more vunerable, we should of had a 3rd child it was not to be and he now states that child was'nt his because i cannot get a dna sample to prove oh yes it was.He was still telling me what i could do with money after we split she was allowed to buy the kids presents when she meet them for the very first time , me thier own mother bought them some tickets for Disney on ice and he went off his head .I according to him had what sort of a mother are you barked at me morning noon and night , your their mother their your responsibility every day this was to wear me down and it worked , you know even now i still can't do things a certain way incase he won't like it the kids don't see him but i just feel he will find out so it will be another excuse to have a pop.I dunno Sarah i dunno if your ever totally free would like to think yes but from mine and your experiences whilst there's young kids there always there playing with our strings.One day girl me and you will hopefully look back at this and know we did get set free  |
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sexysadie
said:
| March 24, 2008 | ||
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Sarah, I also know just how you feel. The only reason that I feel fairly free now is that my ex has more or less disappeared and hasn't seen the children for months - and yet I still find myself thinking from time to time that he wouldn't approve of something or other I am doing with the children. I think it probably does take years, actually, to get over a longstanding abusive relationship. A friend of mine whose former partner used to beat her up and who has been on her own with her children for years told me recently that now she has a new and loving partner she finds herself crying all the time. I think also that being on our own with the kids we all have to be strong so much of the time and do so much alone that having someone come into our lives and be loving would be quite emotionally unsettling, even if it is also wonderful. I am always overcome by the tiniest bit of support or tenderness that I get from anyone else, as I have learned the hard way to expect nothing. Of course the other thing is that the worst thing for your ex is seeing you strong and getting on with your life. Of course he wants to undermine you; he's afraid that he won't be able to control you any more. Well, he won't, soon! Best wishes, Sadie |
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starry_eyes
said:
| March 25, 2008 | ||
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Strange, ive had one of those weekends too, ex wanted to take the kids to a family wedding on his side, when they never got an invite, i said no invite no wedding, and he went crazy. Cut a long story short, we've had nothing but arguments this weekend, and i hate it that he still can make me feel so low. I thought i was free of him, but he still manages to spoil my day. I know i will always have to have contact with him in some shape or form, but everytime i do, i thank God hes out of my life, and i cant believe i tolerated such behaviour from him. It gets easier in time, now he effects me less and less, i think the thing that gets to them even more is that they are not in control now, they cant tell us what to do, or how to feel. Yes ive been called plenty of names too, but that was to make me feel lousy and for him to have more control, its trying to tell us we're worthless, but hey im here, ive got 3 beautiful children and im raising them. At the end of the day we're better off without controlling men like them. They left they made their bed, now let them lie in it! |
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loobyloo
said:
| March 25, 2008 | ||
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not much too add only that you are truly credible and soo worth listening too, carry on you will conquer sarah big hug xx | |
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anotherone
said:
| March 25, 2008 | ||
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I can't believe that I am not the only one going through this,I had the same sort of relationship very controlling,I did everything for that man,but it was never enough.He has just upped and gone after 30 years (28 years married) and he is throwing us out in the street (so to speak) just like that. I trusted him 100% don't know if I will ever trust any one again. I hate him for what he has done to me and myself for allowing him to do it. I am lucky in the fact he now lives in Singapore,but dread the next email. You know what we are a lot stronger than we think and we will survive,after all raising kids is not easy. I am sure there will be a lot of bad days to get through but with each passing one,I am sure it will get easier,hope so anyway ((((((((((hugs to you all))))))))))))) |
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