Advice

Hey

Looking for some advice from fellow wikivorcees on how to motivate myself / kick myself up the a@@e to get on with being the new me.

The situation is this:

1. I now know what I want to do to be the new me - quit smoking completely, start running regularly, record some music (I write bad indie pop songs and have the means to record them at my fingertips), put in more effort at work, keep learning new and fun things to cook, keep having some fun nights out planned in future to look forward to but less of the go to pub get drunk kind and more of the go see a band / comedian / have a meal type

2. I'm 2.5 years down the line from split and on varying occasions have started out with all of the above and got some way with all but then just slipped back into a malaise of...

3. Sitting at home, smoking cigarettes too much, watching films and box sets, eating take aways and generally feeling a bit sorry for myself when I'm not with my boy (fathering bit is going really well incidentally, even if I do say so myself!)

So any ideas? Any tips or techniques about how you can start doing stuff and keep at it rather than slipping back and taking the easy option of sitting around? Any ways to motivate yourself to live better when your on your own and not just when your child's about?

If you cant motivate yourself, how about thinking you are doing all the new stuff for the children.

They wont want dad sat at home on sofa, smoking and eating takeaway, they want active dad who has plenty to tell them when they see him.

When they grow up they want to be like dad, what you do now will shape their lives too.

Aha, another member of the Stuck-in-a-rut Club

I believe I've been in it for so long, that it led me here

No idea how to leave, I'm afraid

..& being on a newly enforced lean budget doesn't help..


So I'll kid myself that routine, & familiarity are still required because I'm in a period of consolidation.
(That's my excuse. I'll have a new one after 2.5 years )

I know this sounds a bit daft and I didnt do it this way but perhaps lay down a template for yr life. What kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be trim, healthy and not get sick all the time? Have good skin and look fresh?

And none of this has anything to do with cloathes. Its excercise and food. Plain and simple. Thats all you realy need to be able to do anything.

On the health side why dont you join a gym? I think once you are paying out money for something, you are more inclined to keep going. Thats essentialy what happened to me. I used to run but I lacked the motivation to keep going. Now I pop in on way home from work. Gets it out the way nice and early and I can get on with my evening. Coming home and then going out is a chore. Esp when yr tired after a hectic day. Now its second nature. I just do it.

Establish a routine. If you are going to start exercising, it helps to do it certain days. Say mon, weds and friday. Come home all pumped up after a quick work out, shower and cook a meal. Eat it in front of the box or even in bed watching that box set of 24 or the wire or what ever. Combine things to keep it fresh and make it interesting. Sometimes I will feel like a realy good work out and go on a sunday morning. Work out for an hour and a half and pop down to the cafe and have a realy nice coffee. Or the bar and have a cold one and read the paper.

Eat the same things....
I tend to eat the same kind of things each week. Mid week I tend to cook a chicken and just have cold cuts with some veg a few times a week. Its so easy to cut up some veg, wack it in the steamer and then jump in the shower. By the time yr dry and in yr jammies, the veg is done. Plate up and consume. Just in time for Dot cotton casting her aspersions....

The chicken that is left I use for my sarnies. Its a cheap and great way to get chicken. And provided you stay away from the skin, its a healthy meat to eat. Combine with a bit of salad, makes a great lunch.

Same goes for fish. If you can afford it and perhaps have a good fish monger to hand. Stay away from the birds eye stuff though. We are talking fresh.

Weekends I tend to cook a curry. Mostly vegtible versions. I may do some special cooking at weekends if I am not going out. Like baking. Or just play with some spices to make some sauce or perhaps a betchamal suace or whatever.

Thing about takeaways is that its junk food. It has no useful contents. Loads of saturated fats and salt. Ok it may taste nice. But it will load you down with poisen. And thats not good for you.

If you like burgers, make yr own. Then you know whats in it. And its so easy todo. By the time you have yr take out, you could have cooked something.

Only times I have take outs is when I am out at weekends or I get home megga late from work and I have no soup to eat. But thats rare now. I pretty much always have soup.

Talking about soup. For the times when yr back late. All yr left over veg can go in there. I call it zero soup becuase it has no cals. And is great to freeze and keep for those late nights or if yr ill and cant be ars*d to cook. I put it in those containers with the screw on lid. And a label with the date of course on the outside. Sometimes, I grab some bread and one of the jars for work. Easy peasy. And soup is very filling and full of good stuff.

To be able to function in a 5 star way, you need 5 star food. That means fresh veg and if you can afford it, fresh meat. But you dont need the meat. It just adds to the variety. I go without red meat for ages. Now and again I will buy a 42 day rib eye and have that with a jacket spud and some salad.

If yr realy interested in cooking, invest some time into it. Join a class. Its a great way to learn some knife skills or just see how things are put together. U never know, you may have a real passion for food. And food will save yr life. It saved mine...

Lastly.... If yr going to buy some food. And it has lots of things in it. And you dont know what they are... Dont buy it. Simple. Dont polute yrself with junk.

At the end of the day, this is yr life and it would be a huge waste if you let this opertunity slip. C.

TT I have only been on my own for 6 months Initially I dreaded it but I have really enjoyed them. I made myself a simple set of rules. To get more exercise; to do something sociable at least once a week and to accept any invitation that came my way. I didn't join a gym but bought a bike. I joined a social club and I go to wikimeets. It was hard at first but it has worked for me. I am really busy, hardly have time to read a book or sit down and watch tv.

Rather than focus on "I want to stop smoking" make it a smaller goal - "I won't have a cigarette for an hour" and then another hour. It makes it less difficult to contemplate. Each hour you manage have a small reward.

Next time you want to buy a packet of fags put the money in a box saving up for something good - holiday/new clothes etc.

But I've found the hardest part of anything is getting started, so you just have to get going. I got into the habit of taking the bus everywhere and put on weight as well as spending unnecessary money. Now I make myself walk and its fine once I've got going. Its the getting going that's toughest.

Thanks everyone - on reflection a difficult post to answer really because the obvious answer is "just do it".

Anyway despite that there are some really great ideas here which have helped me focus on what the real problems are here.

So, for my own sake, here is my current thinking:

Cooking / food, etc - Marshy, some brilliant advice. Ironically I was actually going down the routes you describe about a year and half ago when (for a year) I had my own place and so crucially my own kitchen - and since split have really got into cooking. However unfortunately financially I really was struggling to keep my own place going so when some married friends bought a new house and offered me the chance of renting 2 rooms from them I took it. The downside of this is that I share a kitchen with them and they aren't the type to leave work surfaces clear / everything washed up when they've finished - in fact the place is quite often a tip. Fair enough, their house. The problem is that when my boy stays with us (around 3 days a week on average) I do end up doing all the cleaning up before I start cooking for him and then I clean up after myself. So the other 4 days I think the issue is I'm thinking "can't be bothered to be the one to clean up again, just get a take away / eat a sandwich" - neither of which are great options. So that's the problem. Solution - find a way progressively and collaboratively to ask if they could be a bit more considerate at times with the kitchen - have some ideas on this. But as well as doing that think something you wrote struck a chord Marshy - which is by the time the take away actually arrives I could have cleaned up the kitchen, cooked and cleaned up after myself, so I'd be sitting down at a very similar time to takeaway arrival with a much cheaper / healthier meal, ok, having done a bit of cleaning up that isn't really mine to do, but feeling better about life.

Exercise - I have considered the gym option and think it’s time to commit. This is not for the machines, but actually because I know from experience that classes and sports are my way forward. Sport works for me because I really enjoy it anyway (do play indoor football once a fortnight). There is a also a running club at work (once a week after work, mixed ability), which I've been sizing up - stupidly I keep thinking I need to be fitter to join it in first place - I think I will just join it. Classes work for me because they are so structured, indoors (which definitely makes a difference in the winter) and, I think, because an instructor is there motivating you and also making sure the work out targets a good combination of all areas. My "favourite" class from past experience is circuit training - totally exhausting, but after an hour it's done and I really feel I've achieved something. So time to join the local Council gym membership (reasonably priced) and get into the routine of doing 2 circuit training classes a week and supplement them with indoor football and the running club.

Smoking - Right this is the most stupid of all. Before my split I was a “social smoker” 1-2 times a month - I had never been someone who smoked every day, let alone 20 a day. After the split I fell in to the trap of using cigarettes as a bit of a crutch and I began to smoke during the day and on week days, etc, etc. My ex also seemed to take up the habit with some gusto (her new boyfriend I think is a "proper smoker") and for some reason that seemed to feel like an excuse for me - “well if she’s going to, why shouldn’t I”. Subsequently when I look back at how much money I’ve spent over the last 2.5 years on cigarettes and how that could have been spent I always imagine she went through a short but beneficial period of being a full time smoker when it was understandable, gave it up with ease when she wanted and then got on with things. Meanwhile I became trapped with no will power and continued to smoke like a fool. Except thing is, quite co-incidentally, I saw her and her boyfriend in the garage on a weekday morning last week and she was in the shop buying menthol cigarettes – seeing as her social smoking cigarette of choice used to be menthol I’m going to guess my assumption she’d easily quit when she wanted to probably isn’t bourne out. Now I know competing with an ex is a bad idea in general and that we’re all now running our own race at our own pace - I totally get that, always have as inequality in our particular circumstances makes relative comparison just too depressing (not saying I don’t ever, but I know how damaging it is). However on this particular issue alone I’m now seeing her buying cigarettes as motivational for me - here’s something I can do she hasn’t managed to, which makes me feel better about myself – and I’m not just doing it to “beat” her, but if there’s ever a scenario where some competition with ex isn’t that bad a thing, this might be it. Obviously I’ll be doing this for myself - don’t worry, if I find out the she quit ages ago my motivation won’t come crashing down completely – but for now I think its something to hang on to. So far, wikifriends, I have gone 3 days - not that big an achievement because I never smoke when my boy is around anyway and he’s been around for 2 of those days - this, incidentally makes my smoking the most pointless thing ever because it’s a constant cycle of giving up because he’s around, then smoking when he’s not, week after week after week. But this is it, now really is the time. And Nell, thanks for your advice, you’re right it’s about beating the individual urges when they happen, trying to make it bigger than that always feels too much.

As for work, well maybe less wikivorce, more actual working, lol. Though seriously I have been thinking about that too, and while I think my flexible hours are amazing in my position, I also suspect I can be more disciplined about making those hours rigid - so basically more working Tuesday - Thursday, less “catching up” on my weekends without my boy, which leads to less opportunity to do more interesting things as a single man (like music).

Oh and jaymdee, thanks because I really hadn’t thought of it that way before now, not sure why not, just hadn’t. Had been thinking “well as long as my time with my boy is fantastic and constructive and I’m focusing on being the best Dad I can be the rest doesn’t matter”. But you’re right, it totally does. As he gets older what am I going to say to him - “yeah, when I’m not with you I work averagely hard and do a fairly good job, but the rest of the time I’m just waiting for the time to pass”. I mean I’ve exaggerated in OP a bit I think because actually I have done some brilliant stuff in last 2 years (going to Twickenham to watch rugby for first time, hiking 80 miles around Polish countryside in a week with friends for a holiday - now that was an adventure! - , going to various small music festivals / gigs, getting back in touch with / meeting up with lots of friends who fell by the wayside, heck, even trying to help out others on wikivorce whose plight I totally feel empathy for and recognise!) But I think I am starting to creep towards falling into a malaise, I think this is the time where keeping going is essential.

So thanks for the advice on something difficult to advise on - it has really helped. Of course the proof of the pudding isn’t now, but next month and the month after, and the month after that, etc - but I do know that. Really appreciate the help.