I\'m now the villian!

Hi, I'm just wondering if this rings true for a lot of people or whether this is another example of where I'm being made to feel like I'm going mad.

Quick backstory - been separated for a year and have 1 child. I'm also in a new relationship now. Left stbx after a 15 yr relationship. Gave up all hope of things ever improving after regular cycles of things becoming unbearable followed by the inevitable heart to heart and back round again. All avenues for ways to improve things were either rejected outright or any efforts being made were regularly then used against me. I lost touch with friends and family - all because it was easier than having to endure the motions when we were both with them.
I was emotionally battered and exhausted with continually providing support for other issues going on.

It now seems all that has been forgotten and my leaving has seemingly highlighted that actually I was the issue, the control freak and am now a worse person than I was for making the decision to leave.

Confused and wondering how much of this is a way of making sbtx feel better??!!

Hey

Of course it's all your fault, not.

You left him because of his behaviour but he can't accept that so he blames you.

Been there, still going through it but eventually after good counselling you learn not to care that much anymore.

They never change.

take care
xx

Hi

I know just how you feel. I got tired of being responsible for the adult who was meant to be my equal, I too am emotionally buggered and was just on the edge of worrying if I was a bad person, feeling bitter and angry.

I tried to be grown up in the first instance by suggesting that we seperate and start over, by falling in love again, but he is an all or nothing bloke, and then what does he say when it is all over, too much water under the bridge and too late....."how could I do this to our boys, all the things they will miss out on, single parent" etc etc. And I think he really believes what he says , that he has done nothing wrong, which would explain why he could never put anything right. He has had opportunity after opportunity to try and put some of his wrongdoings right, instead he chose to be dramatic, sitting and wallowing in self-pity, very attractive ... not!

Now he tries to make me feel bad for trying to get off the roller coaster and attempting to find a good life before it is too late.

Hope your stbx sees the truth at some point!

All the best

Lou X

Thx : ) It's good to hear all that but sorry you guys are going thru it too. I do wonder whether counselling would be worth a go. I don't really know why because I wholeheartedly believe I did what was best for me and my daughter. They have a great relationship now (one of the major benefits of forcing him into being a hands on parent but ironically he feels they will come out of all of this with a better parent / child relationship than the one with "bitter and twisted" over here! Laughable)

And I completely hear you on the self-pitying! I should probably take some comfort in knowing I've supplied him with more material for his fave pastime...

Anyway, deep breath. And thx again. x

Hi CharlieP2,
I can't see how it was you fault, I am reliably informed it was all my fault.
This is just part of the territory, projecting the blame onto you avoids having to accept any blame.
I've got used to the fact that one person thinks I am the worst human alive, but the rest of the world doesn't share that view

Take care
LB

Hi CharlieP2

I think that it is just that some people are good at playing the victim & others aren’t.

My STBX left the FMH, although it was his decision now I can see that really it was I wanted too – I was just too chicken to actually do it.

As far as I am concerned, we both played our part in the demise of our marriage.

However, I know in terms of our joint [or not so joint] friends, his family & even to some extent even my own kids feel sorry for the one who left everything . . . bearing in mind everything includes all the bills, debt, responsibilities etc etc. I know I sound bitter, [am I bitter, perhaps, but only a very very little bit now – because I am happier – skint! But Happy], but like I said some of us are better at playing the victim than the others that just get on with it & carry on in the real world.

Just know that you are not to blame & well done you for getting on with your life.

Onward & Upward
Take Care JJx

Its all my fault that my ex is having to live with a woman because I won't take him back, again!

My ex cheated on me throughout our marriage and I always forgave and took him back, until this last time.

Apparently, I have ruined his life!