A new but different life - any ideas?

I’m 56, a year down the line and I’m ready to start building a new life. The way I have to lead my life is kind of ‘different’ due to health problems. I need to somehow get in touch with the ‘human race’ although a normal kind of social life is tricky. I have to be inventive about living a life round these problems, so I thought I see if any of you have any bright ideas that might help me?

This is a bit of a long posting – sorry – but my problem’s a tricky one. Here’s my ‘different’ little life.

I have a chronic fatigue type thing which means I have limited energy. Mental concentration is the thing that tires me out the most, well that and digging trenches, – so ‘making conversation’ can be exhausting for me. I might manage 10 mins or on a good day an hour. I can never predict how long my energy will last – I just have to bow out when my brain goes blank.

To make life even more interesting I have frequent migraines - so on average two days a week I’m totally out of things in a parallel universe of pain. Of course I never know which days that will happen on. Exciting isn’t it?

[You can see why ‘dating’ isn’t high on my list of how to start my new life – I’m not looking too promising so far am I, though I do have a GSOH??]

So when I plan a date or time to meet with someone the odds are stacked against me and more often than not I have to cancel. I’ve tried joining classes and either miss them completely or don’t have the stamina for a full 60-90mins. I swim and walk and go to any local events on my own when I can just to get out and about. But I’m on my own a lot. I could turn into a mystic hermit like Mother Shipton I suppose but I’m not really a natural recluse.

When the FH is sold and I can move into a house of my own, I’ll get a dog – so that will help – I can talk to other dog walkers. But meanwhile I could do with just passing the time of day with anyone really – but in a way where I can choose when I turn up and how long I stay.

Here are the sorts of things I’ve thought of that can be done on any day and at any time. Maybe an allotment – that would fit the bill – I could go anytime and probably someone would be around to talk to. The waiting lists round here though means I’d probably be 76 before my name got to the top of the list. If I were a man, I’d find myself a cosy local and pop in whenever I could and get to know the regulars – but being female I feel a bit uncomfortable hanging around bars on my own. I could take up angling – you can do that anytime and only need to speak occasionally, but to be honest the last time I caught a fish I screamed when it moved – so probably not angling.

There are always ways round these little problems that life throws our way – like starting again from scratch at 56 and a wee bit handicapped, so – any ‘thinking outside the box’ ideas to get me meeting new people in a ‘different’ kind of way would be appreciated. Thanks.

Hi not really got any ideas but i just wanted to tell you i know how you feel about spending a lot of time on your own. i am fine when i am at work but i work in a nursery and we are on our long break. my daughter has just passed her diving test and so keeps taking the car, i dont mind really as its all a novelty for her, so she is out a lot. My son is a typical boy spends a lot of time in his room so i am often alone for a long time. I am newly divorced and two years down the line, i must be getting better as i kep thinking more aout how to meet new peope and socialise.Good luck with whatever move you make next and sorry i havent been very constructive .Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Hi - I know the feeling of spending a lot of time on your own - fortunately I am quite fit - and healthier than I ever was when with my ex. One thing I did was joined a folk choir - can't sing but it doesn't matter. The one I go to is very informal, you can turn up (or not) each week and pay by the week. The people are friendly, and singing tends to bring out natural smiles, and good breathing, so really helps my mood. I wish you luck in finding things to do, and friends who can understand your difficulties with planning ahead etc.

Hi BB. As it happens I was listening to a podcast that I downloaded and part of that podcast was about chronic fatigue. The crux of it was that there is this new centre starting up (like the pain clinic) and it deals specificly with this issue. U may want to try and google it. What was surprising was that in over 90% of cases, they can cure this issue and its ­base­d around sleep and activity. If you can lick this issue, then this opens up a lot more possibilies for you.

I am 56. I started my latest journey when I was 50. Its been quite a ride. I dont have any health issues to speak off and I exercise and work out. I can more or less eat what I want within reason. But it takes a while to find yr feet. Best thing to do is not rule anything in or out. Go with what seems right for you. I joined a cooking class and loved it. It wasnt my 1st choice as it was a curry class. I just wanted basic cooking. And the only basic version was linked with family's and kids. Guess what? I didnt have either. So curry was for me. Found out that I realy enjoyed curry's and cooking them. I will be joining up again this sept for my 6th season and am part of a curry club. Which is a bit like come dine with me, without all the bitc*ness. The members of this club are linked to the class with a few outsiders..

So what I suggest to you is try and overcome yr disabilities. If it takes you say 2 years to sort out, that will be a valuable investment. Also, never think you are too old for anything. 50's is the new 30's dont you know? Hope this helped. C.

I am lying in bed this evening thinking exactly the same. Marshy I have had cfs for 28 years and tried everything going - the trying to get better is tiring. I am lucky and have some good spells but for over a month everything has been a struggle. I don;t have the answeres but know you are not alone. For anyboyd with cfs I recommend dr myhills site.

Hi Babyblue,
I remember your first posts and it's great to read how far you've come. It's a painful process and it's all the more difficult when you're not feeling well, so you've overcome massive odds to be feeling ready to make new friends.

What a great idea to draw your circle of friends. Don't forget the friends available here. Wiki operates at different levels and you can have as much or as little involvement as suits you. It is a community in every sense of the word except in reality! Sometimes however, the virtual meets the real and friends from wiki become real friends. Friends here sympathise with the moods swings because they're on the same roller coaster ride.

Try Chat, it may be good for those times when you're unable to venture far. PM anytime you're feeling down. Write a blog and people will get back to you. There are friends here, you just haven't met us yet.

Best wishes

Mitchum

Thanks everyone for your replies. You're right Mitchum I have come a long way. My posts have gone from Introduce Yourself, Depression & Stress, Relationships and now look, I'm on 'the new you'. So that is progress.

I'm lucky that I do have some good friends that I keep in contact with by email and virtual friends from this forum and other self-help groups that I've never met. I'd have been totally lost this last year without my virtual friends that's for sure.

The health thing is a difficult one to explain as Scareyclairie knows. For me it's been a bit like having flu - but for 8 years. I'm either 1st week of flu (knocked out) or 2nd week of flu (feeling pretty rough but can get dressed etc and get out a bit if I take things gently). Right now that's as good as it gets.

So I have these little windows of opportunity on some days that might only last an hour or two when I feel pretty ok -so I go for a swim, walk, shopping whatever.

I suppose what I'm looking for is some kind of 'drop in centre' (allotment, lake, pub) where I can turn up any old time and pass the time of day with a real human being! I think Triste in France has the same problems of being socially isolated in a way not because of health but because of where he lives being so rural and cut-off?

The choir idea sounds great by the way - does it matter if you can't hold a tune too well??

Thanks again - I know lots of people face this problem of loneliness and struggle in different ways.