Re:STBX with mental health issues

All,

I dont want to go into to many details (even in this pretty anonymous forum) but my STBX has some mental health issues which largely manifest as severe paranoia towards me (please understand this goes a long way beyond just being an unhappy ex and includes entirely reconstructed memories of events that never happened).

We have two kids that primarily live with her, and while I'm managing to keep at least weekly overnight contact with them the degree of her paranoia does affect them (and makes it impossible to approach anything on a joint parent basis). They seem to be ok at the moment, but there has been numerous symptoms over the last year of extreme stress on their part (nightmares, bed wetting, etc..)

Social services have been involved, but I think we are a long way down thier risk list and as far as I know they simply want to file a report and stay out of the situation (and I really never thought I'd be saying that I want a long running SS engagement with my kids)

I simply dont know how to even begin to deal with this situation, I've tried ignoring allegations and I've tried responding with reason and evidence that the things she is accusing me of are wrong, and that the things she claims to be worried about happening simply couldnt happen. The responses I get are either that she ignores the reason/facts or accuses me of lying and fabricating them. If I ignore it then it also escalates.

Can anyone point me towards some support?

Ideally an organisation for people in this situation, as I really feel a need to talk this through with someone outside of the situation - but failing that any web resources would be useful as well.

many thanks in advance

What a difficult situation. I think you are in an awkward postion as you are not your ex's current partner or family member.

Has she had any diagnoses regarding her mental health, that you are aware of? Do you know whether she has a Social Worker or Support Worker herself?
How old are your children?

You may find contacting "Mind"
http://www.mind.org.uk/ helpful - they may be able to help directly, or if no, may be able to suggest other support networks.

I think it may also be worth speaking with Socail Services to ask about any help of support thy may be able to offer either you, her o r the children (as opposed to them assessing the level of risk)

I am not a mental health expert my any means, but in relation to her (irrational) fears, I wonder whether acknowling the fears might be useful, even offering strategies on how to reduce the (percieved) risk. The risk is not real, but her anxiety is, so trying to reduce that, not be reasoning her out of it, but be recognising that she is genuinely anxious and considering how that anxiety might be reduced may help.
Obviously, this does depend to some extent on the nature of her wories.

Depending on your children's ages, they might benefit from involvment in a local Young Carers group (http://www.youngcarers.net/) - also it may be helpful for you to liaise with their shool(s) to make sure that the school is aware of the situation, and can be alert for anysupport the children need, and also so that they are aware of your presence and involvment and know to contact you directly if they have concerns.

My ex talks about depression, and has multiple councilling sessions per week. She has also been on medication previously but isn't currently. In addition there was a suicide attempt shortly after we separated.

The kids are 5 and 8, and I don't think they'd be classed as carers (and even suggesting that would be explosive). I do keep in touch with the school as much as I can, and make a point of getting to all parents evenings.

I seriously considered seeking custody earlier in the year, but the advice I've recieved is that I'd be extremely unlikley to get this given that the kids want to be with her, and that I work (hence would need to arrange wrap around care for school pickup/drop off rather than her being at home). All in all it looked like a way to burn £10-20k with little chance of a positive outcome (and a good chance that the outcome would be that she'd be awarded residence and I'd be defined as the contact parent which would be a worsening of the current position).

I've this week got in touch with social services to ask if there is any support they can give. However, I've generally found it takes an age to get any feedback from them unless they think there is an imminant risk of harm (in which case they respond instantly). Stood back a step or two it makes a lot of sense for them to behave that way as I do appreciate they are very thinly spread - but it really doesn't help me.

I'm certainly starting to feel like there simply isn't any support available for me. Right at the end of our relationship I was offered support as her carer, but as you say now that I'm not her partner I don't think I'm eligable.

I really don't know how to handle the situation, there doesn't seem to be any rational response from her and given the kids I can't just walk away.

Stressed doesn't even come close and right now all I can see is another 10+ years of this. I do need someone to help me with a strategy.

Just as an update for anyone else who might see this thread in the future, I've spoken to Mind and they were very helpful on the phone and have referred me to a local centre who I'll be meeting next week.

They are very streached and it may be some months after the initial meeting before they can give me any time, but they certainly didn't try and push me away as being not the sort of person they help (which was my fear).

On the ground, I can't see anything changing soon - but for my own sanity its nice to feel that I can at least be doing something to move it on however slow that might be.

final update - had an appointment with Mind this week, and kinda as I suspected they arent able to offer any ongoing help.

They could support me if I was feeling depressed or stressed, but they are unable to offer specific support in how I deal with my ex. I appreciate the offer but its just not what I need.

The best suggestion is to go back to social services, so I'll be doing that (but not holding my breath there).

Can you make a case for sole custody of the children? Do you honestly feel, without bitterness or emotion, that the kids are at risk with her? If yes, then I think you have to act in their best interest and get them into your care permanently.

Your ex is sick and needs treatment/help. Logic or reason won't help. Medication likely will.

Good luck

Unfortunately you are between a rock and a hard place. Some of the behaviour described may be a response to relationship breakdown rather than mental illness.

I don't know if it's still there, but in the information about bereavement Mind had a paragraph that ran along the lines that when someone who died their spouse could be angry at them for leaving, and health care professionals or even God for letting them die. Although the anger is irrational it is a normal human response. Relationship breakdown is like a bereavement and the paragraph could be rewritten to read that when someone leaves a relationship the other spouse can be angry at them for leaving and lawyers and judges. Although the behaviour is irrational it is just being human.

The paranoia you describe could also be a response that isn't uncommon when a spouse reconstructs a distorted image of the other spouse and events;


NEGATIVE RECONSTRUCTION OF SPOUSAL IDENTITY

There are two intriguing phenomena which, in varying degrees, may occur during the litigation stage of divorce. One has been termed the "negative reconstruction of spousal identity" (Johnston & Campbell, 1988). This phenomenon is characterized by the tendency of one spouse to cast the other in a vilified image, for example, "He's a weak, violent drunk," or, She's a two-faced, selfish, pathological liar who can't ever be trusted." These intensely negative, polarized characterizations that high conflict divorcing couples make of each other become reified and immutable over time. The spouse, in essence, rewrites marital history and selectively perceives only the events over the years that fit with the present negative characterization. Hence, it is as if the spouse creates a profound insight (albeit twisted and distorted) which is then rationalized and supported as if it were true. In explaining the underlying dynamics, Johnston and Campbell (p. 62) write:

“Our clinical experience leads us to conclude that the actual experience of separation for some couples was the crucible in which these negative views of each other are brewed and crystallized. Couples who experience particularly traumatic separations are prime candidates for generating negative images. Perceived experiences of being suddenly and unexpectedly left; abandoned after secret plotting and planning; left after a secret love affair with another person; left after uncharacteristic, explosive violence--all are separation modes that are typically traumatic and involve inordinate degrees of humiliation, anger, defeat, guilt, and fear, thus setting the stage for what is to come. A radical reconstruction of the identity of the ex-spouse can occur at the time of a traumatic separation. The desperate reactions and counter-reactions to the crisis are likely to crystallize new negative views of each other which subsequently become autonomous of these origins"

These negative images are frequently enhanced and supported by the helping professionals (therapists as well as attorneys) as they try to offer support to their distraught client, only to get inducted into the conflict.

http://www.mediate.com/articles/saporo.cfm

If your wife suffers depression it would make her more prone to see things in a negative light.

Coping strategies for dealing with anyone who is being unreasonable are to establish physical and emotional barriers using your own counsellor if necessary. It isn't possible to appease, negotiate or mediate with someone who is being unreasonable. Establishing autonomy might take some pressure off your wife and give her a chance to recompose which can only benefit the children.

Children's nightmares and bedwetting aren't uncommon when their family breaks down but most children of separated families have similar outcomes to those of families that remain intact. SS end only to get involved when there is a significant risk of harm. Any risk of harm from a parent's behaviour is weighed against the risk of harm when children's attachments are disrupted and the parent's strengths including measures that are put in place.

Obviously when there are serious concerns about the welfare of children the authorities must be involved and in some cases a change of residence is in the best interests of children. The difficulty is that involving the authorities and/or applying for residence puts your wife under pressure which makes it more difficult for her to regain her composure which isn't good for the children.

Hope that helps.