Re:i think i should divorce my husband

My husband is having an affair with a woman who lives in europe somewhere (I am not sure as he wont give me any details about her i think she is spanish but dont think she is living in spain) and refuses to end it .He has asked me to give him six months where he will live in london during the week and come home at weekends at the end of the six months he thinks it will be obvious whether we should divorce or not.
We have been together 30 years so am finding it really hard my head is saying just divorce him now but my heart wants to hang on but i really think this is probably futile really for lots of reasons........some advice would be very much appreciated

Welcome. As another 30+ year veteran I think you should be asking yourself why he thinks he can mess you around for 6 months while he makes up his mind. It is really very simple: either he wants to save the marriage or he doesn't. And if he wanted to save it he'd be on his knees trying everything he could to convince you of his sincerity.

Most of us (irrespective of how long we have been married) go through a period of believing our cheating spouses will wake up and realise just what they are throwing away. On the whole they don't and the attitude of your husband suggests that he won't. Cliches about having cake and eating it come to mind. Not making a decision is a decision in itself.

The likelihood is that he is very unhappy and blames that on you and the marriage, believing that a new relationship will transform his life. The reality is that it won't, but by the time he finds that out your marriage will be dead and buried.

I am sorry not to be able to hold out more hope, but I think you need to take control and make the decision yourself. Life on your own may seem to be scary, but it has its own rewards.

Look after yourself; feel free to pm.

Trog and co. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I'm afraid my own experience - and from the other stories I have read on wiki, I am afraid pixy is right.
And really - if you are able to stand back - would you want a man who cheats on you - risks your health - thinks marriage is a pick and mix option?
It is terrifying after all those years to strike out on our own - but that is an option that is healthier (in my opinion) than pretending it is not happening (and I pretended for quite a while.)
Nobody can tell you what is best for you. But that is what you must decide -what is best for you in the long term.
The ex's change beyond believe - it is like a stranger in their body.
I wish you strength and send hugs.
sc

Do you think you could ever trust this man if he did decide to stay after 6 months? I cannot believe the arrogance of some people - he seriously expects you to wait for him to decide which is his best option, after such a long marriage.

Remember, it's not just his decision. Get in the driving seat and decide what is best for you. It's not going to be easy but can you cope with hanging around being the good wife while he makes his mind up?

I feel so angry hearing your story and wish you all the best.

Hi

What is going to change in 6 months? If he doesn't know now whether he wants to be with you or this other woman (or even some one else entirely) now, in 6 months time he may still be wanting his cake and eating it.

Seize control and tell him you want a divorce. It may shock him into deciding he does want to work on his marriage. Or it may help him decide he wants to leave.

It is very hard to end a relationship, you want to cling on (someone described it as sitting in a cold bath. The water is getting colder but it is still warmer than getting out into a cold bathroom).

But recognising when something is over is the first step to rebuilding your life.

When my ex started behaving horribly I gave him a bit of space instead of standing up for myself. Eventually I asked him to leave and he agreed. I was relieved - but agreed he should stay till our son had done his GCSEs. I realise in retrospect he probably wanted the time to talk his girlfriend into letting him live with her. Lots of men don't go until they've got a warm bed and board to go to.

thankyou you are all saying what i know is the truth its just i dont feel too brave at the moment but i know i just need to get the papers completed.I have the added sadness that my brother who was the only grown up relative i had left died unexpectedly in the summer so i dont have any family apart from people i look after to turn to so feel very alone.I have some very good frineds who have been great but there is only so much you can expect them to do so i feel very alone at the moment

Trog please take time to read some blogs and posts here where you will find evidence of the support and friendships which have become the lifeline of many wikis. People who, like you, thought they were alone and almost friendless.

The community here will help you all they can with all aspects of legal and emotional support.

Take courage from the stories of people who have taken control of their lives because they found support here.

Best wishes and welcome. xx