Reasons for Infidelity

These so called reasons are a way of explaining and justifying one's choice to commit adultery. Ha! How ironic that my stbx couldn't commit to anything except adultery. People choose to have affairs no one makes them do it and I don't think that there are any valid reasons for having affairs. End the relationship honourably and with respect. It takes more courage and shows integrity. I would have had more respect for stbx if he had of done this. Yes, I would have been devastated but I know that I would've have treated him decently. Now, I despise his behaviour and him. I cannot separate the two. In my view, it takes more courage to try and work things out and if this fails then end things honourably. Oh and BTW. reason no. 1 made me laugh.I can just imagine the conversation...
"I accidentally met someone else, they accidentally turned me on, we accidentally slept together and now we're accidentally living together. Did I forget to mention that we're accidentally having a baby?" WTF?????

Hi All,

I think "The Accidental Adulterer" (or adulteress) sounds like the title of a comedy film. Perhaps what is meant is "non-premeditated opportunistic adultery"? And if it is then so what? It's still adultery.

As difficult as it may be to believe for someone in the thick of it right now, there are worse things in life than adultery. Some people (me included) have a coping mechanism whereby they are thankful for the situation not being worse than it is.

Fiona brings up an historical point not mentioned in history classes in the UK because the Russians/Poles were allies at the time and the winning side likes a sanatised record of their actions.

It is natural to prefer a sanatised record of one's actions, hence adulterer's giving 'reasons' for their actions. I also used to think there were reasons until adultery affected me.

In my opinion there are no 'reasons', there are only choices; freely made. The validity and acceptability of those choices is currently not for society to judge but for the spouses.

Adultery as a stigma is a throwback to the days when marriage meant a great deal more in society than it does today. Betrayal has always been a dodgy subject. Winning rebels are 'freedom fighters', losing rebels are 'terrorists'. Is the adulterous spouse who betrays trust someone who is fighting for their liberty or an abuser?

No, it is not so clear cut from the label 'adulterer/adulteress', hence my opinion is that the act is separate to the behaviour and intent behind it.

In my opinion, although adultery can end a marriage it is not an automatic marriage breaker. People are complicated and character goes way, way over what a label can cover.

YA

Ah, but the thought of my ex husband sharing bodily fluids (yuk yuk yuk) with another woman and then sharing those fluids with me makes me positively want to vomit!

Anyway its the rest of the stuff involved with adultery, like "off to play snooker with Alex", meaning "off to have sex with Alexandra2, lol, also the money potentially taken out of the family budget for wining and dining etc.

However, I am so so so so glad my ex was a serial cheat, cos hes out of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dukey wrote:
For the first time in four years i`m going to break the forum rules.

Apologies to whoever has to edit this.


1) Accidental infidelity - a fleeting or one off occasion



2) The romantic affair - you meet someone wonderful while going through a crisis in your life.



3) The marital arrangement - comfort while in a marriage that wont die and wont recover.



4) The philanderer- men who need their masculinity affirmed or woman who are the daughters or ex wife's of philanderers.

The above is the biggest load of bollocks i have read in a very long time.

I agree with Dukey - what a load of b*ll*cks. Its almost as those "reasons" are given as justification for someone being unfaithful.

I'm trying to work out which of these "reasons" would explain why my ex had an affair. It's not number 1, as he deliberately pursued her, its not numbers 2 or 3, as we had only been married a few short months, and I doubt very much that number 4 applies. Sometimes, looking for an answer that simply isn't there is like trying to find that needle in a haystack - I'm not sure anyone can justify an affair; its not just about the sex, but the lies, the deceit, the complete lack of respect, and breaking the trust that your spouse has in you. I accept what Sadie has said about her friend, but I think that's probably an extreme example.

Marriage is the cornerstone of our society, and justifications/reasons/excuses like the four above serve only to undermine how fundamental marriage is. A spouse is not a commodity, to be disregarded and traded in when one grows tired or bored of them. Marriage is hard work, a series of compromises and a commitment and statement of intent. We make our vows, and promise to remain faithful and true, but some seem to think that those vows are flexible, and don't necessarily apply to them.

Having your trust shattered is devastating, and can have long-lasting implications. I know that I find it very difficult to trust others, and that of course, impacts on relationships and friendships.

Forseti wrote

But an adulterer is rewarded: when they get the kids, the house, your savings, and you are compensated by having to pay them regular maintenance

This is true - but only if the adulterer is a woman/mother - men tend not to gain in the same way.


I think the subject of adultery will always be contentious, especially among this community who, in general, are those who have been on the receiving end of the lies and deceit. Trying to pigeon-hole "reasons" for affairs isn't helpful, and only provides those that commit adultery with an excuse for having done so.

Hi Rubes... Just want to pick out a few things you said..

rubytuesday wrote:

Marriage is the cornerstone of our society, and justifications/reasons/excuses like the four above serve only to undermine how fundamental marriage is.

A spouse is not a commodity, to be disregarded and traded in when one grows tired or bored of them. Marriage is hard work, a series of compromises and a commitment and statement of intent. We make our vows, and promise to remain faithful and true, but some seem to think that those vows are flexible, and don't necessarily apply to them.

You would think so wouldnt you? To you and me this is so. But not everyone agree's that marriage vows are sacred. Just words isnt it? Some people can say what ever you want. But in the end, its the actions that count. Words are just that. Sounds..

Some people do treat others as a resource. A case in point is the Human Resources department. People are now comodoties in society. I disagree. But thats the way things are going. Life and people are getting cheaper.


Having your trust shattered is devastating, and can have long-lasting implications. I know that I find it very difficult to trust others, and that of course, impacts on relationships and friendships.

In my view, you cant trust anyone or anything completely. If you do, you will always be disappointed. That doesnt mean that you cant have a kettle, a toaster or ride on a train. Or even a partner or husband. Just be aware that anything can let you down. Even yrself for that matter. We all have feet of clay. We are weak.

If you think about it, we are becoming more dishonest as a society. I recently came upon £40 on the floor in wicks. It was by the plumbing isle. I was looking for some tap washers. I handed it in. They were surprised on the till and more or less didnt want the hassle of taking the money. They suggested the police station and called the manager. When I insisted that he took it from me (imagine that? Forcing money on someone?) he made me sign a bit of paper so there was no come back on him.

Also.. The other night, I watched a programme about some of the rioters. One of them said, he would do it again if there was no chance of getting cuaght.

Many that have affairs are serial offenders. The affair that perhaps you find out about, usualy sooner or later ends the marriage. And they often think that they wont get caught and they dont see it as being dishonest. When I asked someone why they did it? I got the reply, everyone is doing it. Whats the harm?

Are these people the same ones that cut you up on the motorway? The ones that hit and run? The ones that would pocket any money found? Or perhaps the rioter that wants a bit of free gear from the Apple shop. Same dishonest mentality.

People that have affairs are the same ones that are dishonest. Thats the bottom line here. And society at large is becoming more and more dishonest.

Thats my tuppence..

Soap box mode off.... C

One of the things that my ex said to me was, 'well, you can't really promise anything, can you?' I remember a discussion whilst dating when I said, 'I'm going to promise when I say my vows...' When I started to emphasise how important a promise was to me and was on the verge of breaking off an engagement, my ex then said to me, 'okay then, I'll promise'.

What I should have done was run a mile. I've been a resource and have been used. I'm at such a point in my journey where I actually feel sorry that she has such a negative view of the world; that people cannot promise to do stuff.

I'm totally of the opinion that there is absolutely no excuse for adultery. Anything else is decimation of ones own integrity. Whilst adulters deserve contempt, they also deserve pity too. We should feel sorry for them that they have such a sad mistrustful outlook on the world.

> People that have affairs are the same ones that are dishonest.

It's interesting that you say this, Marshy.

There's a story in the news today of a certain politician who asked his ex missus to accept some of his speeding points... (Second headline of the day is about that thoroughly loathsome footballer who couldn't keep his trousers under control)

Karma? Perhaps...

Best,
JJ