Running All Over Town!

Good morning Wiki Peeps!

I just wondered if any other's have experienced the strange behaviours of X's or STBX's and if so, how did you deal with them?

My STBX is 'devastated' that our children have confirmed that they do not wish anything to do with him. This has all been done officially through the Court. (F9's etc), which of course is all my fault as I have, according to him, poisoned the children against him, he could not be further from the truth if he tried! But, yet again he projects this to my door! There is not a single day goes by when I do not encourage them to make contact with their Dad, but like everything he has made his mind up. I have been advised of 'devastation' via the Solicitor's, as we do not have any other contact, our's is an extremely acrimonious separation and divorce.

I am desperate for the children to have a relationship with their father, for various reasons, but I do appreciate that I can not force them, they are of the age that they can and have made up their own minds.

At the initial stages of our split, I went into panic mode and pushed the kids into seeing him every other weekend. This worked for approximately 6 months when things started going wrong.

He, my STBX, is now onto woman NO 2 as many of you know already, but the reasons the children have washed their hands of him, is the way that he manages these relationships with OW (plural). He continues to party like there is no tomorrow, he turns up at events, with OW, where the children's peers and their parents will be, something he was not prone to doing, pre-break up (he would have run a mile has I suggested anything like this!) His photos with OW (plural) are constantly plastered all over FB, and this in turn gets back to the kids. This is the second festive season, just past, that he will have had a different woman on his arm, his children nowhere to be seen. He has taken overseas holidays, something he did not do when we were a family, he has or had should I say, a real fear of flying. He has never offered me any form of financial help with clothing, food etc and he knows I am struggling, and the children can see this, although FDR soon, so this may change shortly. He has not set himself up, as far as we are aware, at any permanent fixed abode and seems to just hang his hat where ever he feels most comfortable. This in turn does not fill the kids with confidence!

I am at the end of my tether, as all I seem to do is work on his behalf, although he does not know this, encouraging contact. What he, the STBX fails to realise is that it is his conduct, past and present, his running all over town, that has made the children stand their ground.

I would be really interested to see if any of my Wiki peers out there, have had to deal with similar circumstances and if there are any answers to my dilemma. We have gone down the mediation route, but again that failed.

Any suggestions would be helpful, or should I just leave the children be, since they have made it clear that they are happier the way things are?

Take care for now FoS x

Does this help?

Your ex is responsible for his relationship with his children.

You should not stand in the way of the children having a relationship with their father - physically, emotionally and I think within reason, financially.

You are not responsible for his actions, thoughts, words or anything else he chooses, freely, to think, say or do.

FOS Your ex is running a real guilt trip on you I think. Is there a little bit of you thinking - maybe it is my fault boys aren't seeing their Dad - maybe I am a bad Mum? I know I ask myself those questions. But remember the boys are seeing their Father's behaviour (his choice) and making their own painful decisions (and showing loyalty to you.) (their choices) They trust and feel safe with you - and they don't with him (understandably). Hold them close and love them. Trust your boys - they are doing their best and really making some fairly sound decisions. You are not playing with their heads - you are giving them space to grow and stability and security - things they need - in a world that is scary and changing for them.
I know perhaps you feel you will need your own space - but that will come in a very short time as your boys grow.
As ever you have my very very best wishes. You are a great Mum.

As long as you have genuinely made it clear to the children that you are not in any way upset by them continuing to have a relationship with their dad, and that you would not see such a relationship as in any way disloyal to you, then I think you've done enough. The rest is up to him.

The children are old enough to make their own mind up and if they feel pushed they are more likely to resist. Family counselling and family therapy can sometimes be useful in these situations although children often resent going to therapy when (in their eyes) the problem lies with their parents, not themselves.

Children learn by example and what helps them is separated parents moving beyond the blame and anger to reconciliation (as in acceptance), difficult though that might be.

Sadly children who harbour resentment against a parent tend to grow up shouldering an enormous amount of guilt. Teenagers are capable of making their own rigid moral judgements and holding a stance of anger for some time, but they weigh up the pros and cons in much the same way as adults and may change their mind.

Hi Fos. I think you are doing the right thing in promoting their father. I agree with you that they have chosen to have no contact. But I suspect that this is temporary. Dont accept the blame that you have poisoned their minds against him. They have there own minds and they can make them up themselves.

Perhaps in a few years when the dust has settled, they will wish to contact him again. I hope that in the mean time, he keeps up the xmas cards and birthday cards. I suspect that they will be rejected. But he should keep it up. And one day, they may want to contact him again and perhaps re-build their relationship with him. All you can do is support that if it happens.

I am on the other side of the fence. My ex **did** poison their minds against me. I know they are only step kids. But at the time they were impressionable being 13 and 15. They are now 20 and 21. I dont know that they will ever try and find me. I do kinda live in hope. However I am mindful that they may not do so while there mother is still alive or she is with the man she had an affair with. But added to all the hate they must have for me, must be shame as to how I was treated. No one can dish out that amount of abuse and not feel shameful for doing it. At least thats what I hope anyway... C.

FoS.

I cant remember how old your children are but if its late teens then I think its up to their dad to try and maintain contact not you.

All you can do is encourage them to have a relationship with him.