Re:it all makes sense now

Realisations about things come with time, including understanding the actions of others. As I think Marshy has said, if you weren't looking for it, then you wouldn't notice it. As more time will pass, more things will come into focus.

In my own case, my ex was terribly argumentative the week before over silly petty things. I think it was where she was trying to pre-empt a justification for her forthcoming actions (I didn't charge up my phone? Oh well, that's more of a reason to have an affair then, as obviously I'm a blithering idiot). Then came the locking of her own mobile phone and the slamming of the laptop shut when I enter the room. 'You say nothings going on??' They really do insult our intelligence, but it's them who are looking like the idiots behaving this way, not us. They're the ones who have lost their integrity and sense of right and wrong.

In my very early days I was wondering whether I would ever get an apology for my ex's ridicious actions. Those were the days when I was in denial about what was happening to me... I was given short shrift when I posted words to this effect, and I quickly wised up. Through my ex's actions she had demonstrated that a connection between us didn't exist anymore. An apology wouldn't change a thing.

Mine insisted that the men on the dating site she was phoning and texting and emailing were just "friends" and they just talked about mutual likes.. films, books and music etc..that's all.
When I asked why these guys were paying 30 quid a month to the site just for that, she just shrugged her shoulders.
When I eventually saw some of the (explicit) texts myself she just said it was a bit of flirty adult fun and I was reading way too much into it and to go away and stop being so stupid.

Yeah...stupid was the right word.

You are shocked and in panic, but in your head you crazily hope that maybe their lies are not lies because you just can't face up to the cold reality of the situation IMO.

Oh yeah...and when they are finally walking out the door for ever and you ask why did they lie to you?

Answer.... "Because I didn't want to hurt you.." lol

LW

almost 2 years after he'd left, I found a credit card statement, quite by accident when moving house, which showed the ex had an account with an 'adult dating website'. It didn't matter to me at that point (way too much water under the bridge) but it did come up in conversation some weeks later and I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was very, very stupid as I clearly didn't understand the 'ethos of that site'. 'Ethos'...gotta love 'em (cos' it's illegal to shoot 'em).

Oh jingle bells mate what you wrote is like someone has walked over me grave!

Yes this all happen to me too. And yes would back up what pete has said to including home improvement - I had just completed doing up a new house was working on the last room, the bathroom, I now realise she was sexting her bloke while I worked on it.

Even dropped her off at "romantic meals" with my daughters in the back of the car in there PJ's!!!! yes you do feel like a total idiot when you realise, but these people have no shame.

Yes my ex told me that "unlike us ***** was in a perfect relationship with his partner" when I confronted her about the affair, I did tell her what a shame their perfect relationship fell apart some quickly when he moved in the week I left. Getting future digs in is very therapeutic.

Yes my ex took up running too!

Yes its very, very hard to get through, it really is, did not think I would but 2 years on I have. Yes some bloke lives my life in my old house with my kids , I'll never own a house again and my ex continues to be a nightmare with issues to do with the kids.

Well my ex's new bloke is welcome to my old life cos I now realise it was sh*t, I now can live life as I choose and parent as I want. To be honest she faces more future challenges than I do - in many ways she did me a favour.

Take care

Oh yeah I used to give her a lift to her nights out with the kids in the pyjamas too!!
The women that commit adultery all pull exactly the same stunts!!
I was amazed 5 years ago when comparing notes with other fellas that you could have all been married to the same bird the stories were exactly the same.
Same as when the women say what the blokes do but the blokes have a different tick list from the women.
Honestly you will be well shot you'll realise in 3 years I'd say is when it really kicks in that it's brilliant doing anything u want.
All the best
Pete

If you are a fool because you were hoodwinked once, I must be a total idiot as it happened numerous times.
The last time, I still didn't suspect for ages, I think because we were both so much older and I expected all that to be be behind us. You know, we'd been through so much together, starting with nothing, but then buiding successful businesses and the dream home.
So many share the same symptoms. Locking the phone, phone bills being sent to work instead of home. I'd seen it all before, but still didn't recognise it.
As someone else remarked, we wouldn't cheat or lie, so we don't spot it when they do.

jinglebells,

Like so many Wiki's here, yes we have all been made out to be neurotic idiots! It is common place amongst adulterers, male and female, to allow us to be made to feel inadequate, stupid and paranoid!

When our blindfolds come off and their 'numbers are up' or 'their game is over', because they have been caught out, we then suddenly realise that we have been taken for a complete and utter ride.

It takes a long time to realise that when the signals have been there all along, that it is not easy coming to terms with their deceit, lies and unfaithfulness. We to a certain extent have buried our heads in the sand, because we do not want to believe that our husband's/wives or partner's could be so capable of such hurt, pain and betrayal.

Please do not torture yourself, you were fooled like so many of us. You have to believe that they are the ones with the issues. Remember, "there is no sweeter pillow than a clear conscience", that is something that any adulterer will never have!

Please do not be too hard on yourself, with time and kindness towards only you, you will look back and realise that she did not deserve you.

Take care for now FoS x