Why mess with my head?

I'm 9 months in from discovering he was having an affair. Maybe not even his first, I dont know. I'll never know, will I?
Anyway, as we have a beautiful, bright and funny nearly three year old daughter I have managed to keep things fairly amicable. We were able to converse politely and even have a laugh from time to time. He kept asking me if there was any chance we could get back together and I told him no. Recently though, we had been getting on well and I was starting to think maybe, just maybe we could work this out. So, we have a conversation about it and I told him that it would have to be on my terms and that it was in no way a guarantee that we could work through it but as a gesture (a huge one I thought) of my intention, I offered to stop the divorce. I thought that this gesture may make him finally dump his bimbo and consider our future with our daughter. What happened instead was that he didn;t believe I was serious (rich I thought) and thought it would be a good (and fair) idea to introduce his 90 year old mother to his bimbo. She is devastated by his behaviour, as of course am I. What I can't understand is why he would frequently ask me back but not finish his affair. I would love to hear some other perspectives on the situation. Comments please!

Personally, I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it!

Whilst he has his bimbo, he can keep "playing you off" against her.

Hope his mum gave him what for!

Stay strong and tell him he's failed to achieve the standard you desrve of a good husband.

Take care!

Hugs
Caz

my ex played this game until I got the hang of it. It's the 'reel you in and cast you aside' game...the time it takes to play out a full cycle gets longer and longer as time goes on. I am at 12 months now and counting but it took 2 years of messing to get here!

It works like this: person doing the casting aside has the upper hand. They know you're upset. So from time to time, they feed you a bit of niceness to remind you what you're missing (and probably to ease their guilt) so you remember just what it is you're missing and as a consequence, let your guard down. They only behave nicely when they see you getting on with life and doing OK and they feel like you might, possibly, may be just no longer want/need/desire them. At it's worst, they'll decide they want to get back with you - even going as far as booking counselling sessions (as my ex did but then not turning up) or telling you that they love you, miss you, have made a dreadful mistake...but it can be far more subtle than that. Once you show even the tiniest hint of possibly, maybe still wanting them and still being a bit upset, you get cast aside again. You get cast aside because they then remember why they left/had an affair/ended the marriage in the first place and that takes first place in their minds again. New cycle starts....

What happens is that you learn a little each cycle. So next time it makes them work that little bit harder to win you over and so that working a little bit harder makes you feel that maybe, possibly, perhaps they might actually be serious this time...and wham! Cast aside again.

Look out for it. I guarentee for anyone at the start of this, a full cycle will play itself out in a matter of hours. The further down the line you go, the longer it takes until you reach whatever point it is that you're going to say enough is enough and that's it. You're well and truly looking forward to the decree absolute and have a new life planned.

To not mess with your head would be putting your needs first or at the very least equal to his own. You know, the type of person who even when they do screw up takes full responsibility and has too much shame to try anything other than an apology and keeping a respectful distance. The type of person you describe is the sort that is so wrapped up in their own needs they have to yank your chain to see if you are still there - once you trot to their side thats them satisfied and you wondering what did you call me over for?

Best advice, dont expect better - they cant give it. Keep a boundaried distance and you wont get caught up although a word of caution - the more together you are the worse they get.

That is incredibly insightful! Do you know my soon to be ex??
Thank you for your words. :0)

ah, the first rule of wiki is that we all married the same person...!

What the others have said is spot on!

My ex left me in August 2008, telling me that he no longer loved me but there was no one else. He came back after a few days, then he left again, then he came back, then he left. I kept pressuring him about someone else but he denied it, and I thought he was having mid life crisis. Then he admitted to having an affair for the last 7 months. After that he wanted to come back again, but I said no, several times I said no. In the end he tried to kill himself and I had to get the police to take his door in. I spent the night in hospital with him, then had him back, because he would have tried again. I spent six months as an emotional crutch for him. Then he left when he was better, and went back to his 'other woman' and now I am treated like poo on his shoe.

Please, please try and stay strong and don't let your H crush you and your daughter just as mine did to my children and I. Take care of you and your daughter and try to keep any contact with your H at a business-type level. Being polite, yet clear about how you want things to be.

Best wishes x