it all makes sense now

As i sit here and think about the last few weeks up until i found out she was having an affair it all fits into place now.She seemed to argue with me alot over the slightest thing something that seemed to be happening alot then.She seemed distant as if she didnt want to be there anymore and was just so cold towards me.Then came the going out more often on her own(Im just going out with my friends) she said then not coming back until late (I forgot the time) she would say(I was having such a good one)She then developed a case of she never had time for me but she had time for everyone else and if she did end up at home with me she wouldnt want to do a thing (Im to tired) is what she would say. Also she wouldnt enter into any conversation about plans for the future didnt want to know, she got herself a dog and would take it out for walks for hours she would never answer her phone either while she disappeared. Also the phone suddenly developed a screen lock and never left her side, i was never allowed to meet her new friends or go for a walk with her and the dog either but thanks to fb i found out the truth. What im really trying to say is everything was there in my face to say she was cheating on me but i just couldnt see it! And im not sure why i feel a bit stupid now maybe i just couldnt or wouldnt accept it even when i found out she still wouldnt own up which confused me more ( youve got it all wrong!)Hes just a friend he hasnt done anything, so there iam ive had all that evidence in front of me a msg on fb from her to him yet i still beleived what she said, i even went and spoke to this bloke he told me nothing had happened and i apologised and shook his hand!I thought ive got this all wrong ive made this into something it isnt but like they say lies catch up with you and it will all come out in the wash which is just what happened.So now i know the truth just wish id listened to myself in the begining because that was mental torture! She still to this day denies it, im not sure what the point of that is everyone can see for themselves even though she moved the guy straight in when i had left, and that there in a relationship. I suppose shes having trouble dealing with her guilt and the fact of facing up to her actions, i think shes the one feeling embarressed now with the divorce for unreasonable behaviour. I hope that somehow shes feeling just a bit guilty for her actions, sorry goes along way doesnt it? I think that ive made myself worse by not being able to let go i suppose its the fear of being on my own .

You are going to have to let go of what she is doing now and what she thinks, feels and whether she is experiencing guilt.

I am glad you are seeing things more clearly but if I may be honest someone who has the capacity to lie or cheat will rarely experience embarrassment or shame about their actions or being divorced for UB. My Stbx was upset initially or so he claimed then quickly adopted an attitude that my UB petition was merely a means to an end. My advice is to stop expecting any kind of reaction, she has moved on and has had a lot of time to get her head around a life without you in it. You are still catching up we all had to do this, don't be hard on yourself.

You have to focus on you now as hard as it is. Many of us have been were you are today, we speak from experience. The simple truth is that she is not thinking about you. You now have to focus on you.

So be your own best friend. You won't stop being able to think about this for a while yet but you have to be an expert in self care. Get fit, start a hobby anything really. I did a little ti­meta­ble at first to get me through the first few weeks. Sounds pathetic now but when he left it gave me something to do, a little plan for the endless loops of timeand the days which just seemed never to end.

Keep going and when you look back on this time in your life you will be able to see how well you are doing at this early stage. Keep going.

It feels foolish to be led on by not one person but two. I know the feeling all to well. But yr not the 1st and you wont be the last. Putting a lock on a phone, going out with mates and loosing weight, new cloathes, are all signs that someone is upto something.

Of course you didnt see it. You had no experiance of what a cheater does or how they do it. There was no way that you were going to see thru the lies. So dont beat yrself up about not knowing. Most people trust the other half. And you thought she was true. But she wasnt. You put yr faith in the wrong person that is all. But not all women are like yr ex. Most are decent and honest. And would never do what yr ex did. So dont loose faith in all womankind. C.

You did twig that she was having an affair.
you just wrote the playbook that every woman who shags around follows.
Treating you like shxt,mobile phone superglued to them,evasive and secretive about nights out.New hobby to cover the time out my one said she was out running.
Then they deny it all anyway and insult your intelligence even more by moving the new bloke in 5 minutes later.
How much expensive home improvement projects did she get you to fork out for in this period?Or a big purchase for her like a car?
that's another pattern of behaviour that the woman having an affair also collars the ex hubbie to be for before they move you out .
Don't worry about it another 5 years she'll be looking rougher same shxt personality and a bit of luck if you don't the mistake of getting married again you'll be loving you're bachelorhood.
All the best
Pete

My partner ex also took up 'running' found a string of new 'friends.'

when my partner found out she was having an affair she tried to 'claimed it only happened once and they were very ashamed of their actions!!'

Now she is claiming they dont live together, he just stays each weekend and doesnt contribute to the household, funny but she hated sky sports when my partner was with her but she subcribes now!!

Jinglebells. exact same thing happened to me. The exact! going out, coming back late, being cagey and locks on computer, ipad phone etc. Even introduced me to her in the pub when I was there with my school colleagues and he was there with his friend and her! Didn't think at all, because we are trusting and we would never have been unfaithful, so why expect anyone else to be. Especially your own spouse. We are not stupid, although I have felt it. Yes we did have bits of information, but they were just pieces and not until the whole jigsaw is complete could you for one minute think you were having all this done to you.
I know what Shoegirl is saying, that they have no regard for how we are feeling, and I bet she is right, again it does not make you feel any better. Quite the contrary.
Keep coming on here and posting and come to the chatroom, we are all here to support each other. It may even get worse before it gets better but hang on in there, there is nowhere else you can go. You can't go back, you could just stay where you are, but that will lead to even more misery and pain - at your expense not hers!
As the others have said, take small steps and try and find something postitive, no matter how small, each day.
Do come on here and rant and rave, Im always lurking around doing the same, so we can do it together.

Hawaythelads, it's not just cheating women who do all of this. It's all cheats.
Mine did the same things, 'working away' , locked mobile phone, new email address that I wasn't supposed to know about etc.
They all do it.

I knew but had no proof for a long time, he would always have lied his way out of it if I had confronted him. Also, I deliberately ignored things because I hoped it would stop or go away. I didn't want it to be true.

I think we can ignore a lot if it doesn't fit in with what we want or how we want things to be. I still sometimes wish all of this would just go away and stop being real and it has been over 6 months. A lot of people on here have been on this road for a lot longer than I have and give very sound advice, take little steps and talk to the wikis they will help.